Monday, April 18, 2011

CBWR? Chapter 30

I think this is the longest chapter yet. I didn't actually count, but it seems like it. I should post two more today unless something goes hideously wrong.

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I went back to silence, because I was good at it and I wasn't any good at any of this other shit.

Chapter 30

I hovered in that little space between being asleep and being awake.

I had just faded out of a dream of some sort. Nothing substantial – just cement, rain, and some flashing lights. There was a scent that was only vaguely familiar – like something I had smelled only a couple of times before, but never associated the scent with its source. It was fresh and cleansing, like spring rain.


I felt the corners of my mouth twitch, and my eyes opened slowly to look straight into hers, a mere few inches from my face. One of my arms cradled her head, which was using my bicep as a pillow, and the other was wrapped tightly around her waist. Bella's shirt…well, my shirt…had ridden up a bit, so my fingers rested on her bare skin right above her hip. Her expression was strange and indefinable, and I would almost have called it empty, but that didn't fit either. Like my arm around her, I could feel her forearm against my side, and the tips of her fingers grazed my back. She continued to just stare at me, and I her.

It was extraordinarily uncomfortable.

I figured I was probably supposed to say something now, but I had no idea what. Good morning? Want some breakfast? Did you sleep well? I really didn't know, and none of the girls I had ever dated or slept with had spent the night in my bed, or I in theirs.

Maybe I should just say hi?

Instead, when I finally couldn't stand the silence any longer, I just babbled.

"Did you…um…dream?"

Her eyes dropped for a minute, then looked back to mine. They were dimmer now, and not as lively. Her look answered my question before she nodded.

"Do you want to…tell me?"

"It wasn't bad," she said, her voice hoarse from sleep. "Just…cold."

"Cold?" I echoed as I reached down for the blanket and pulled it up a little higher.

"No, not now." Bella shook her head. "You're warm."

She blushed. Just a little twinge of pink in her cheeks as she looked away from my eyes for a moment. I had no fucking idea why she would blush, but I was kind of intrigued.

"It was cold in the…in the cells they kept us in."

It figured – she ended up dreaming about it anyway. So much for distracting her. I didn't know what I should say, as usual, but when I didn't say anything she kept going.

"The floor was bare cement, and it never really got warm."

"Were there others by you?" I asked. "I mean…other…girls."

"Yes," she said. "But we were not allowed to talk to each other. I did the first time."

I didn't want to know. I knew I didn't want to know.

"What happened?" I asked anyway.

Bella took another deep breath and looked down towards my chest, though her eyes appeared unfocused.

"I was yelling for my mom," she said quietly. "I think she was there, but maybe they already told her she wasn't allowed to talk…I don't know. She didn't answer though. I just wanted to know she was okay. I hadn't seen her since they took us. Not since we were in the back of that van."

My silence seemed to be working for me, which was a very good thing since I seemed to be completely incapable of making any kind of conversation. Bella went on without any more prompting.

"James came in with a couple other guys. That was the first time he hit me with the taser. I'd never felt anything like that at all…I couldn't move at all…and it hurt – not just where he touched me, but everywhere."

I nodded – I knew this. I'd been hit with them a couple of times. I waited for her to go on again, but she stayed silent. When I tilted my head to get a better look at her face, she had gone completely pale.

"Bella?" I rubbed my hand against her side a bit, just to get her attention. She finally looked up to me.

"I don't think I want to talk about this," she said, her voice barely loud enough to hear. I nodded.

"I'll find your mom," I whispered. I meant it. I wanted to mean it. I hoped I meant it.

"Don't say that, please," Bella looked back up to me, and the pain in her eyes was unlike anything I had ever seen before. "You don't know if you will or not, Edward. Rosalie was right."

"Fuck Rosalie," I growled. Just hearing her name had me itching to blow her head off, and hearing her name and knowing how much Bella was hurting at the same time just further imbedded my hatred.

"But she could be right," Bella said. "I have to…at least be prepared for that."

I went back to silence, because I was good at it and I wasn't any good at any of this other shit. It worked, for a while at least. I had finally stopped thinking of the best gun to use against Rose and had moved to what's for breakfast? instead.

"Why did you buy me?" Bella suddenly asked.


I wasn't ready for this. If nothing else, I needed a gallon of coffee and a pack of cigarettes first.

I felt my chest constricted again, which was beginning to be a really common feeling for me. Actually, all of my body seemed to have tightened up a bit, clenching and unclenching as if the sheer muscle force could somehow make the right words expel out of my mouth instead of the total pig-swill that was a lot more likely.

"I wanted…um…sex?" I finally blurted. It sounded like a question.

"Why didn't you just hire a prostitute? Or go to a bar and pick someone up? Why did you…why did you want someone like me?"

"I didn't think…about what it meant." I rolled to my back and covered my eyes with my hand. "I didn't know what I was doing."

"Didn't think about it?" Her voice cracked a little, the pitch spiking until she took a harsh breath into her lungs. I moved my hand and looked back to her, seeing the tears stating in her eyes. "You bought me without thinking about it?"

"I thought he just…had girls there," I told her. I wasn't really trying to defend myself, just…explain. "I didn't know he was taking everything I said so he could go…go look for a match. I didn't know Aro would take you off the fucking street just for me…"

"Is that why?" Her throat was obviously tight, keeping the air from flowing correctly and making her voice off. She sat up, and I pulled the arm she had been resting on back to my chest. "You gave him your order, and I fit the bill? Do you have any idea how fucked up that is?"

I did…sort of. I mean, I knew I didn't understand what was happening when I first met with Aro, but I also knew I hadn't wanted to understand. Some of his questions…I had refused to think about it. I still didn't want to think about it. All I wanted was sex without having to go through all the work associated with a girlfriend or the randomness of a hooker. One that would…stay.

"I can't take it back," I finally told her. "If I could, I swear to you I'd change it all. But I can't. I can't take it back."

"No," she agreed, "you can't."

I wanted to say something else. From the moment I woke up, I had wanted to find the right words to use with her, but I floundered, as I always did. I scooted back against the pillows so I could sit up next to her.

"I'm sorry," I said quietly. I didn't know what fucking difference the word made, but I said it anyway. For a while, she looked down at her hands in her lap and didn't look at me at all. I stared off the side of the bed, like I thought some wise old little gnome would pop out from under the bed and give me everything I needed to know about women in a little box or something.

Or did gnomes just fix shoes?

Fuck it.

"The others should be here before too long," I finally said before the silence literally killed me. Bella nodded and started to get up, but then she stopped and turned to me.

"Thank you," she said simply.

"For what?" I asked, confused.

"For apologizing," she replied. "And for trying to distract me last night,"

"Oh…um…no problem," I mumbled back. I didn't really know how to take what she had said. Did people really thank other people for saying they were sorry? As far as distraction went, I guess that's what I was trying to do, so mission accomplished there.

"Parents aren't supposed to be like that, Edward," she said. I felt her hand on my arm, her fingers just lightly brushing my skin. It felt odd and out of place, which counted for the twelfth thing I hadn't understood since waking up ten minutes ago. She released me almost immediately and headed into the bathroom while I wondered what she had meant.

My parents didn't hit me or anything, so it's not like I was abused. Dad would yell, yeah, and we didn't have much of anything, but it wasn't all that bad. By the time they left, I could take care of myself. The group home I ended up in the first few months kind of sucked – rules and chores and curfews, oh my – but I took off and had been making shitloads of money ever since. If nothing else, the money I had now I could use to do whatever the hell I wanted. I had the apartment I wanted, the cars I liked, and a couple little beach houses and shit.

I had everything I needed, so it couldn't have been all that bad, right?

Chapter End Notes:

Rules and chores and curfews - oh my! If Edward went to see the Wizard of Oz, what would he ask for? Brains? Courage? A heart?

Gnomes are evil. Just saying.

Back back soon!


  1. thought b would be more pissed when she found out she was a special order for e. thinking she might feel more sorry for him then herself

  2. you are going to have to answer those questions ed... remember you did it!!

  3. I'm voting for a brain and a heart.

  4. his damn balls so he can man up

  5. Clearly he doesn't have everything he needs in life

  6. Big dummy has so much to learn and Bella would be the one to teach him.  

  7. Awwwwwwww and just like that, she's forgiven him! Or at least on her way.. She's a very smart girl... Realizes he's fucked up... :(


  8.  wow she forgave him eh
    wonder how he is going to work up to forgiving himself

  9. Oh, is he starting to realise!!!
    How is this gonna work out for him????

  10. If Edward were to see the Wizard, I think he would ask for someone to care for him, and mean it know that they really meant it.

  11. LilacfieldsforeverJune 12, 2011 at 7:14 PM

    I'm see that Edward really can't help for how he is, he was never taught or felt love or being wanted.  I really feel sorry for Edward and obviously Bella.

  12. Clearly he doesn't have everything he needs in life

  13. Sounds like Edward had his physical needs taken care, shelter...but no nurturing or love. I think he's just closed himself off to feeling anything for anyone but himself.

  14. Only gnome I like is from The Nymph and the Waterfall by pastiche I want one.

  15. So now Bella knows why she was taken and Edward faced up to and apologized. That does count for soemthing.