Tuesday, May 17, 2011

CBWR? Chapter 92

Author's notes:
Glad to see people are still with me. :)
“Homework?”  I raised an eyebrow at her.
Chapter 92:
I told her everything.
I told her about buying a girl for sex, raping her, killing a dozen people in some fucked up idealistic view that it might absolve me of my involvement, and falling in love with my victim.  I told her absolutely everything.
I thought maybe I would feel better afterwards.
I didn’t.
“That’s a lot to absorb all at once, Edward,” Irina said after I signified I was done by adding a little Porky Pig impersonation at the end of my story.  “I have to admit it.”
“How do I fix it?” I asked, and my words echoed in my own head, because I remembered asking Alice the same thing back in the beginning of all this mess.
“What does fixed look like to you?”
Fucking answering fucking questions with fucking questions.  Lovely.
“Make it never happen,” I finally said.
“That would be nice,” she agreed.  “Not possible, but a nice thought.  What about something in the realm of possibility?”
“I guess I can’t fix it.”
“Not in that way, no.”  Irina leaned back in her chair and tossed the pen she had been playing with the whole time onto her notepad.  I didn’t think she wrote a single word down.  “Will you meet with me again?”
“I guess so.”  I shrugged.
“I need a little time to process all of this in my own head,” she told me as she tapped her finger against her temple.  “And I have some homework for you.”
“Homework?”  I raised an eyebrow at her.
“Yes, homework,” she smiled over the desk at me.  “I want you to write down where you want to be one year from your parole.  Where are you?  Who are you with?  What do you do for a living?  Any or all of the above.  If you don’t want to write it out, you can always draw me a picture.  I’ll set up another appointment for next week.”
I went back to my cell with absolutely no idea what to write down.  Once I had sufficiently given myself a headache over it, I read all of Bella’s letters again – twice.  I lay back on the pillow as the lights went out, and wondered if I could even come up with something that looked like a normal life.  The trailer I grew up in and the penthouse I ended up in – neither of them were real.
I didn’t know what real looked like.
The lights went out, and the guards yelled at a few people to shut up.  I closed my eyes, drifting off to images of suburban living that looked like they came right out of Edward Scissorhands .
My fingers feel warm as I slip them through hers.  I bring her hand up to my lips, kissing the backs of her knuckles one at a time.  I love the way our hands look all intertwined together.  She smiles at me, and swings our arms between us as we step on to the private jet to take us…wherever we are going. 
The she is pushing me back against the sea,t and my clothes are gone, and as the plane takes off, she straddles me, and her warm skin is up against my hands as they explore her body.  It is both comfortable and familiar, yet there is no way I would ever grow tired of it. 
My hands slide down to her backside, lifting her up and slowly positioning her over the tip of my cock.  I bury myself in her silky warmth as her hand lays against the side of my head.  She sets the rhythm, moving her hips slowly so I’m just sliding back and forth inside of her.  I wrap one arm around her back and hold her closer to me as I feel myself get closer to ecstasy…

“Come on, Cullen!  You gotta eat sometime!”
I squeezed my eyes against the searing light, rolled over to one side, and started another day.
Irina was waiting pretty patiently, but I had yet to hand her my homework, even though I had been there for a good five minutes now and had the damn thing in my hand.
“Does it embarrass you?” she asked.
“I don’t know,” I said.  “Maybe.”
“It’s just…stupid.”
“Is it what you want for your future?”
I could only nod as Irina leaned across her desk and tilted her head to look at me.
I tried to glare at her, but it really wasn’t working.  I finally sighed, tossed the single sheet of notebook paper at her, and then leaned back in the seat.  I glared at a spot on the wall just for good measure.  I tried not to watch her expression as she looked at the drawing.
“Edward, this is very expressive,” she finally said after about three and a half hours of staring at it.  All right, it might have been a minute and a half, but it sure as hell felt like three hours.  My chest was tightening up again, and I wanted to get the fuck out of there.
She lay the paper face up on the desk and gestured to it.
“You have some talent here, Edward,” she said.  “Drawing hands is really hard.  Drawing two hands with their fingers all laced together like this is especially difficult.  But there’s more to it than just the quality of the drawing, do you know that?”
I didn’t respond.  I didn’t actually even move.
“Edward, I’m going to ask you an extremely cliché question,” Irina said.  “I hope you’ll talk to me about it anyway.”
“What is it?” I asked.
“Will you tell me about your mother?”
Oh this was going to be interesting, right?
Chapter End Notes:
Don't you just hate those stereotypical questions counselors ask?  I hated them when I asked them...
Thanks to Lolypop82 for the manip on the plane!
Leave me some...something.

CBWR? Chapter 91

Author’s notes:
I hate long author’s notes, but I wanted to respond to a few questions at least.  This chapter should help with some of them anyway, but to clear the air – the blowjob was rape in every sense of the word, and it can fit the definition of second degree rape.  Edward’s sentence is appropriate for that crime.  First degree rape can carry a 40 year to life sentence in some states.  he also PLEAD GUILTY, which means they don't need any witnesses or really even proof.  He's admitted to the crime, so he does the time.  It was his choice.
Bella is young and naïve, and acts like a young, naïve girl.  Her parents are probably acting the same way most parents would - doing anything and everything to keep her safe in their own minds.
Edward has no friends -  Alice, Jasper, Emmett and Rose were nothing more than business associates who only knew Edward as a cold-hearted criminal who bought a girl for his own use.  They know nothing of Edward’s past or how he has changed.
“Why are you here, Edward?”
Chapter 91
I was sitting outside in the courtyard just smoking and generally trying to not think.  Sometimes that worked, other times it didn’t.  I still had the letter Bella sent me in my pocket – I hadn’t let it away from my person in the whole week since I had received it.  I didn’t know how many times I had read it, and I knew a lot of it still didn’t really register in my head.  Part of me had decided I would never hear from her again – it had been so long – but at that point I just didn’t know how to react to it.
I was just getting back to my cell when one of the guards handed me four more envelopes.
“Looks like your lucky day, Cullen.”
All of them had been opened and, presumably, read.  When I looked over the envelopes, I could see they were all cancelled in Port Angeles, Washington, but there was no return address.
The cancel dates were November, December, January and February.  Nearly a year ago for the first one.  There were things inside of it – a folded piece of paper and a card from a library card catalog with The Merchant of Venice on the back of it.
I hadn’t even looked at the envelope from the first letter I received.
I found out they were taking the letters I was sending you out of the mail.  I didn’t know.  I’m mailing this from the library where I work in another city, but I only come her one day a month. I hope you get it.
I unfolded the paper, and read it, too, with my heart pounding in my chest.
Everything I do is being monitored by my parents, and it’s driving me crazy.  I’m seeing a counselor, which wouldn’t be so bad if they would stop telling me not to try and contact you.  I’m not even sure if I’m sending these to the right address, or if you are getting them.  Please try to write me back.  I miss you so much, and when I think about what it must be like for you right now…well, I just can’t think about it.  I can only hope it isn’t as bad as the movies and television make it out to be.
I keep thinking maybe I should have testified, but when they said I could be a hostile witness it sounded like I would only make it worse for you.  Then you plead guilty, and they didn’t even tell me you were doing that.  I couldn’t get to you.  I wanted to – I swear I did.
I think about you all the time.  I haven’t left you, Edward.  Please remember that.
The next three letters assured me that she was okay, and was surviving her senior year in high school.  Each one asked me to write to her, just so she knew I was getting her letters.  Six more arrived the next day, all with similar themes.  I read them over and over until my eyes blurred with overuse, and I finally fell asleep.
If someone managed to remind me it is either Monday or Thursday, I went to group therapy for sexual offenders.  It was part of my sentence to attend the meetings, but not to actually participate, which was good, because I never said anything.
I didn’t listen to the other participants, and just let the droning sound of their voices barely penetrate as I sat there and ignored everyone.  When the hour was up, I stood and started to head outside for a smoke.
“Edward, will you stay a minute, please?” Ms. Whatever-her-name-was asked.  I shrugged and sat back down in the blue plastic chair.  “I can’t help but notice that you do not talk in group.”
I shrugged.  Still looking for the contest – I was pretty sure I could win now.
“You do realize my recommendation can help with parole, right?”
I shrugged again.  Parole was a long fucking ways away.
“Why don’t you speak in group?” she asked, a little more forcefully.
I looked up at her and considered shrugging again, just so she could get an idea of how good I was at it.
“I don’t have anything to say,” I told her.  “I’m not like these guys.”
“You aren’t here for a sexual offence?”
I went back to shrugging.
“Don’t you know all that?” I snarked back at her.
“No, I don’t look into the inmates files,” she told me.  “I would rather form my own opinions.  I only know what you tell me, but you haven’t told me anything in the past eleven months since you joined.  That’s a lot of silence, and I’m starting to take it personally.”
I wasn’t going to be baited with her lame idea of a joke.
“Would you be willing to meet with me privately?” she asked.
“I was rather hoping you would speak to me if there was no one else listening.”
I don’t know why I agreed, but I did.
I picked at my lunch.  It wasn’t just a matter of how awful the food is – and it was awful – it was more because every other thing on the menu was some form of a burger.  Every time I saw one I was brought back to Tanya the vegetarian in high school, and my thoughts at the time.  Maybe some fucker was going to sit down and eat that burger, but it wasn’t going to be me.  Not anymore.
Today was only different because I was about to have my first meeting with Irina, the counselor from the group.  I still didn’t know why I agreed to do it, and I was still thinking about backing out.  The group sessions were required – personal ones weren’t.  I didn’t know why I would put myself through such a thing, except that there really wasn’t anything else to do.
There was a little office next to the infirmary where Irina met with inmates one-on-one.  It was tiny, and I kind of thought it used to be a good sized closet before it was converted into a meeting place.  I sat across from her and wished there was a window or something I could stare out of instead of just looking at my hands.
“You said you weren’t like the others in the group,” she started.  “Would you tell me why you don’t think you are?”
“Not really.”
A little silence.
“Why are you here, Edward?”
“I raped a seventeen year old girl,” I said bluntly.
“Don’t you think that makes you right for my group, then?”
I didn’t know how to answer.
“It just…wasn’t like that,” I finally said.
“What was it like then?”
I looked up to her, and was kind of surprised that her eyes didn’t hold the disgust and condemnation I would have expected.  She leaned forward a little.
“Edward, you are already in prison,” she said.  “Unless you tell me you are going to hurt someone else or yourself, anything you tell me is protected.  You are my patient, and you are not going to get in further trouble if you tell me what happened.”
I sat in the chair and tried to focus on keeping the little lunch I had eaten down.
“You aren’t taking care of yourself,” she stated.  “You’ve lost weight since you got here.”
Yeah, I probably had.  Whatever.
“I want to help you, Edward,” she said.  “But you have to let me.”
“Help me do what?”
“Help you get ready to leave this place and go out to lead a normal life.”
I didn’t know why, but those words hit me – hard.  I had stopped thinking about the future completely.  I never thought as far as the next hour, let alone what I might do when I got out of here.  There was no life to return to once I left, and I told her as much.
“Everyone has potential, Edward.  Even you.”
I wanted to argue with her – I was probably the last person in this entire place who had any potential what-so-ever.  I was a career criminal, and I didn’t know anything else.  I also knew I was not a career criminal anymore, and that I would never return to that life.
“If you could have one thing when you left here, what would it be?”
It was the first easy question she asked.
“That sounds like a woman’s name,” she said.  I nodded in response.  “If you walked out of here today, and she was standing at the gates by the road, how would you want her to see you?”
I went cold – colder than I had when I realized the extent of what I had done.  Colder than when they hauled me out of the courtroom.  Colder than the first day here.
“Not like this,” I whispered.
My hands started shaking, and I balled them into fists to make it stop as Bella’s written words echoed through my mind.
I haven’t left you, Edward. 
I looked up at Irina’s blue eyes and felt my heart start to beat again.  Maybe if I told her everything – everything – she could help me figure it all out.  Maybe she could help me figure out what I should do.  Maybe I could look a little farther ahead.  Maybe somewhere in the future I could be in Bella’s life again.
Irina could help me, right?
Chapter end notes:
Time for soul searching.
I know a lot of people bailed after the last few chapters, and I understand that.  This is HARSH, but I do believe it had to be done.  Edward has to be able to reconcile what he has done with himself before he can move on, and getting away with his original crime would never allow him absolution.
I still have a few brave souls left with me, right?