Author's Notes:
Really late, but still techinically today! And it's a long one. Hope that makes up for it.
“Why…how can you…want this?”
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Chapter 62:
The muscles in my arms tightened, bringing her closer to my chest. I listened to her sigh, and felt her warm breath against my skin. I kept my eyes closed, just holding her until she decided she didn’t need me anymore. She wouldn’t need me – not much longer, anyway. Another ten days and we would likely be able to return to the States. I would be able to take her home.
No, I wouldn’t.
I would have to have someone else take her home. How would Daddy Cop react if he saw me bringing his long-lost daughter home to him? I had a pretty good idea, and only really wondered if he’d shoot off my balls first or go straight for the kill.
Bella’s head moved, and I opened my eyes to find her looking at me. My chest tightened up again, and I had to force myself to swallow, though it still felt like there was something lodged in my throat. Her eyes were still red, but her tears had dried on her cheeks, making strands of her hair stick to her skin. I reached up and pushed the stray hairs from her face, tucking them behind her ear and out of the way.
Bella glanced down, and her tongue popped out and licked her lower lip. This served to remind me exactly how her lower lip had tasted, and how it felt when her tongue was in my mouth.
I swallowed hard again.
Her hand came from around my neck and rested against my jaw. Her fingers rubbed against the rough stubble on my cheek, reminding me how badly I needed to shave. Her touch was also reminding me about earlier in the evening, what she had wanted, and what she had said when I refused her.
Her eyes were on mine, and I felt the gentle pressure of her hand on my face, pulling me closer to her. As much as I knew it was the wrong thing to do, I moved with her touch until my lips were against hers, slowly kissing her wile I held her close to me. I tilted my head slightly trying to get closer…to taste more of her. I wanted more of her…all of her…anything she would be willing to give me.
My breathing was coming far too fast, and I was overwhelmed. I didn’t understand anything I was feeling, and thoughts just weren’t all that forthcoming. Whatever thoughts I did have just conflicted with what I was feeling. The vast majority of me just wanted to lay back and do whatever she wanted, because my whole body was just drawn closer to her the more we touched – the more we kissed. I had never really spent time kissing a woman before – it was only a prelude to getting off. But this…this I could do all night.
I still didn’t understand her reasoning, and as much as that part of me wanted to just say “fuck it” and go with whatever the hell was happening here, there was the other, albeit smaller part that wanted answers. Needed answers. As much as it was physically painful to do so, I pulled back from her, kissing her lips softly just a couple more times before I looked into her eyes.
“Why?” I asked softly, just trying to make some kind of sense out of any of this, and figuring it was a hopeless task. I knew why I wanted her – it was far too obvious – but I didn’t understand why she wanted me. Not at all.
“Why what?”
“Why…how can you…want this?”
The backs of her fingers brushed my cheekbone. She brought her mouth back to touch me briefly, gently running her lips over mine. I let my hand glide down her side until it rested on her hip.
“Because I can see the man inside of you,” she whispered back. “He’s not what he tries to show everyone else. He’s not even what he thinks he is. He wasn’t trying to do anything…evil.”
Even as I kissed her again, I didn’t believe her.
“That doesn’t make any sense,” I said with my lips still against hers. “I can’t make up for what I’ve done to you.”
“But you have tried,” she responded. Her fingers twisted into my hair and she pulled me hard against her mouth. I felt her tongue on my lips, and I welcomed it…craved it…longed for it.
I would never be able to refuse her again. It just wouldn’t be possible.
“I know what you really wanted,” she told me.
I felt that lump in my throat again.
“I wanted sex.”
“No, you didn’t, Edward,” she corrected me. “That’s not what you wanted at all.”
“It isn’t?”
She slowly shook her head from one side to the other.
“You wanted someone to stay with you,” she said. “You wanted someone you could trust – who you knew wouldn’t leave. That’s not a bad thing to want, Edward. You just didn’t know how to find that without doing something stupid.”
I couldn’t argue with the last part, but I narrowed my eyes a little. This was not something I wanted to think about, not even inside of my own head. Yeah, I was tired of girlfriends getting sick of me and bailing, but that wasn’t why I did this. I just…I just didn’t want to…to…I wanted sex, and I didn’t want to have to…to…
Fuck it. I had no fucking idea anymore.
Besides, we weren’t supposed to be talking about me here. I didn’t want to think about my reasons for shit – I knew why I wanted her. She was beautiful and soft, and she made me stop smoking for a while to get more Asian noodles. When she smiled or laughed, it made me want to smile and laugh, too. When she cried, I wanted to make her feel better.
But I was responsible for her tears, and I couldn’t reconcile that in my head with her gentle touches over my face and shoulders.
“I don’t understand,” I admitted. I just couldn’t leave it alone – I needed…something. Answers? I didn’t really know. Justification, maybe. My hand stroked against her cheek, and I loved how soft she felt against my skin. “How can you…want this? With me…with anyone? After everything that’s happened. How?”
She was silent for a moment, looking down and away from me as she finally spoke, her voice trembling.
“I don’t want what…what we did before. What they did to me.”
Her eyes flashed quickly back to me.
“I will never, ever do that again!” Her voice was still quiet, but full of all the hate and venom I would have expected. She took a deep, stuttering breath. “I won’t do that again.”
I had no doubt what she meant. Part of me wanted to ask her just how often – how many times she had been forced to perform orally until she got it “right,” but I really didn’t think I could handle the answer. Actually, I was completely sure I couldn’t handle it. Just thinking about it made me nauseous.
How did she even cope?
I took her face in both of my hands.
“I would never ask you to,” I told her. “Never.”
She looked up at me and studied my face. Maybe she was trying to decide if I meant it or not, and I could only hope she would believe me. Finally, she nodded.
“Good.” Her forehead dropped back to my chest, and I held her close again.
I held her again while my head spun in a complete circle a couple of dozen times. I was so fucking confused, I would have been hard pressed to try to put my feet on the floor and not end up on the ceiling.
“I won’t do that again,” Bella repeated with her head still tucked against me. “But it’s not the same thing. I don’t want that…I want something else.”
“I know,” I answered. “But it still…doesn’t seem right.”
She should hate me, not want me.
“We’re married, aren’t we?” Bella suddenly asked.
“Yeah, I guess we are.” I gave her one of my championship shrugs. “Technically.”
“But we didn’t have a normal wedding night.”
“Not…really.” How was I supposed to argue with that? Straight from the chapel to the killing fields, then jump on a plane to go into hiding on another continent? Happy wedding day to you! Yeah, there were easily a dozen other marriages that happened just like that in the same week. Not.
“Maybe it’s a girl thing,” Bella said with a slight smile. “You get this idea in your head about what it will be like. I guess life is never quite like your dreams.”
I knew what she meant. I’d turned her dreams into nightmares. Again, I wanted to take it all back, and again I was powerless to do so. I could not change the past, and I couldn’t clear her mind of what she had suffered.
“What did you think it would be like?” I asked.
“What?”
“Your wedding night.”
“Oh.” Bella danced the tips of her fingers over my chest. “Not being dragged across the Atlantic for a murder spree, and then spending hours in a train car, that’s for sure!”
I recoiled a bit, and then glanced back at her. There were tears in her eyes for the hundredth time. Like a total moron, I went and opened my mouth again.
“I’ll give you whatever kind you want.”
She looked to me as she wiped the back of her hand over her cheek.
“Whatever kind of what?” she asked.
“Wedding night,” I said. “I know it’s a little belated, but I’ll give it to you.”
Her eyes widened and then narrowed in thought. My heart was beating faster than I ever recalled it doing before, and I opened my mouth to take it all back – try to pass it off as some kind of bad joke – but that’s not what came out of my mouth at all.
“I’ll stay with you, if that’s what you want,” I told her. “Or I can go sleep on the couch if you want to be alone. Or I’ll…I’ll give you a real wedding night.”
“What does that mean?”
Even as the words were trying to leave my mouth, I knew they were going to be about as dumb as trying to spread peanut butter on Wonder bread with the flat end of one of those big-ass screwdrivers everyone always has in their garage, even though no one ever has any screws that are big enough to be screwed with that sized driver. It would make a damn big mess, though – wouldn’t it? Kind of like what usually comes out of my mouth.
“I’ll make love to you, if that’s what you want,” I said.
My throat tightened up, but self-strangulation was to come way too late.
Bella turned her head to look up at me again. For the longest time she just stared, until I was starting to feel like that guy in the human zoo from Slaughter House Five. I wondered if there was any way I could do a little time-jumping around and maybe take some of the shit I spewed back into my mouth. It didn’t work in that book, though, so I guess I was screwed.
“Do you even know how to make love?” she asked.
I closed my eyes and paused while I tried to find a way to remain silent. I had no idea how to answer her. My skin started to feel too tight for my insides, and there was this weird pressure behind my eyes, and I didn’t know what to make of it. Finally I opened them again, and just went with what was as close to truth as I could muster.
“I don’t know,” I told her. “I’ve never tried.”
The backs of her fingers stroked my face again.
“So it would be a first for you, too?” Her voice was so quiet I could hardly hear her.
“Yeah.” My voice was nothing more than breath through my lips.
If she really wanted it, it was okay, right?
_________________________________________________________________________Chapter End Notes:
Well, you've been right so far, right? Err....right?
Maybe?
Is he really capable of understanding her perspective? Would anyone in his position be capable of understanding?
