Monday, April 18, 2011

CBWR? Chapter 29

Ok - last update of the day! I may get one out tomorrow. Maybe two. We'll see. :)

"I just…stayed there."


Chapter 29

Bella was still looking up from her pillow at me, and I tried to think about what I could actually tell her. I had no idea where to start – I had never talked to anyone about my past, not even social services when they finally figured out I had been left there, unsupervised. There was counseling at the school across town, and they made me go see her once a week, but I refused to talk to her. I had no idea what to say now.

I took a deep breath, and figured I'd start at the…end.

"I came home from school one day and they were just gone," I said with a shrug. "I mean, they were gone a lot, and sometimes even for a few days, but this time they just didn't come back. There wasn't a ton of food I the house, but one of the neighbors would usually give me a burger or something when he was grilling out, so I didn't starve or anything. I figured they would be back eventually, but about…I don't know – maybe a month or so later, a couple of guys showed up with a big tractor trailer and told me to get my shit out, because they were repossessing it."

"They took your house?"

"Yeah," I said. "I guess they hadn't been keeping up on the payments or whatever. I don't know who was dumb enough to actually give them a loan."

"What did you do?"

I shrugged again.

"I grabbed my clothes and shoved them into my school backpack," I told her. "There really wasn't anything worth keeping."

"But…where did you go?" Bella's forehead got all scrunched up and she peered at me with this cute little confused look on her face.

"I just…stayed there."

"With the neighbor?"

"No," I said. I stopped for a minute. How do you explain shit like this? "There was a little tent thing over the cement where the car parked – a kind of canopy thing. I just…stayed there."

"How old were you?"

"Fifteen."

"So what happened to them?"

"Who?"

"Your parents!" Bella yelled out, obviously exacerbated by my lack of input. I really just didn't know what to say.

"I don't know – never saw them again."

"Oh my God, Edward – that's horrible!"

I had to kind of smirk at that – the chick who was kidnapped and tortured into slavery thought my life was horrible. It was a freaking picnic compared to the last month of hers.

"Not really," I said. "They weren't exactly model parents to begin with."

I didn't really know what so say after that, so I just kind of sat there. My life hadn't really been all that bad, at least, up until they left. Being a ward of the state sucked, because they kept wanting me to do shit all the time. Once I starting working for Marcus and Caius I just dropped out of school and took off. Things got better then.

Bella just kept looking at me, waiting for me to go on, I guess.

I didn't want to talk about this shit, I really didn't. I also didn't want her to start thinking about the place she was held prisoner, either, so I was kind of stuck with conversation. Not my forte. I tried to figure out what she would want to hear, and ended up just babbling, of course.

"Mom…she drank…a lot. Dad just wasn't there most of the time. He did odd jobs and whatever, but he was gone more than he was there. When he was there, he was usually yelling about the place being a mess or whatever. Mom just drank and ignored him, mostly. I don't know why they were together at all."

"What did you do?" she asked.

"Do?" I had no idea what she meant. "Do about what?"

"When your parents were…acting like that."

I looked away for a minute and tried to think about what she was asking. What did I do? I didn't really remember doing anything. Speaking up or getting into the middle of it in any way was an extremely bad idea, as I learned early on.

"I usually…went outside, I guess."

"And did what?"

"I don't know," I shrugged again. The whole line of questioning was starting to aggravate me, but I didn't want her to know that. I really just never thought about it, and didn't know how to answer. I never cared what my parents did – they were just…there. Sometimes. If I ran out of food or something I always managed to fend for myself okay, so what difference did it make? "Just…went outside. There was another kid who lived close by for a while. Sometimes we went looking for…stuff."

I really didn't want to talk about looking for toys in the dump.

An awkward silence followed. I think she was waiting for me to continue, but I didn't know what else to say. I was a crappy conversationalist, unless you wanted to talk about guns or something. I didn't really think she'd go for that. I finally glanced over at her, and saw her eyes start to droop.

"You should get some sleep," I said.

Bella nodded, but kept her eyes trained to my face for a while. I couldn't figure out her expression, but it was making me a little nervous, so I looked away, and then shifted myself down so I was laying flat on the bed, but still up on my elbow and facing her. She just looked kind of…sad. I didn't know why.

"You never had anyone take care of you, did you?" Bella finally said.

"I can take care of myself," I said with another shrug. I was getting really good at shrugging. Maybe there was a contest or something.

"That's not the point." Bella rolled over and maneuvered herself just a little closer, and I felt her arm run up and around my waist. I didn't know what the point was, but my arm went on autopilot and reached out to wrap around her, too. Before I had the chance to ask her about it at all, she had already conked out.

So I watched her sleep.

She looked so…young. Eighteen was an adult, sure, but she just looked so much younger in sleep. Maybe it was because I had a full ten years on her that made me think of it, but mostly she just looked young and really innocent.

Which, of course, she was before I decided I needed her in my life.

Well, not her specifically, but someone who looked like her.

Eighteen.

Virgin.

Cocksucker.

My chest clenched.

I thought a little about what she had said. No one ever took care of me, that was true, I guess, but I didn't really know what I was supposed to do with the information. I guess she was right, in a way. I just never thought about it. Is that what other people's parents did? So why didn't mine?

I pushed the thoughts away and went back to thinking about her. I wondered if she would have another nightmare, and if she did, would she tell me about it. I wondered if I wanted to hear it, and was pretty sure I didn't.

But I was going to listen anyway.

Because it was my fucking fault. All of it, and I couldn't take it back.

But I was going to make up for it, right?


Chapter End Notes:

Extreme emotional neglect has been linked to antisocial personality disorders (also referred to as sociopaths, though that's not a clinical term).

More about E's life tomorrow. :)

15 comments:

  1. gives us a better understanding of him, and why he may have acted the way he has been. don't think he quite connected the dots on what he actually was doing and what that really meant/resulted in - not an excuse for him, just saying.
    tff000h

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  2. If his parents are alive and they all meet, why can I picture Bella ripping them a new one, I think she should. ;-) Even if he is a sociopath, at least he he's trying to help.

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  3. Oh goodie! Some more info on Edward!

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  4. As much as I hate Edward sometimes my heart just aches for him.

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  5. okkkk, DoucheWard.................time 2 digg deep!!!!!!! We've heard a bit bout Bells, now its ur turn!!!!! Lets see wat made u into da ASS u are 2day!!!!! ohhh lorsh, i kno evry1 has baggage but i mean GOSHHHHHH, u guys take the cake there!!!!!!

    *EXCITEDDDDDDDD!!!!!!*

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  6. oh ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh poor DoucheWard!!!!!!!!!!!! Cant see hw dis makes him the SleezeBag he iz but its no way 2 b brought up all in the same!!!!!! He's seen shit.....no doubt!!!!!! But daymeeeee, he f@#^ed up poor Bellz life!!!!!! I dont kno if 2 feel sry 4 him or take Alice's Berretta n end him....I'm TORN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! At least he's tryna do right by her altho he cant right this wrong?!?! Or can he??

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  7. Sounds like someone I know.  

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  8. Yeah, sounds good.. We'll blame his parents for the whole thing.. It's hard for me to blame him.. God knows why! sigh..

    FanFicCrazy

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  9. damnn! his parents were mean evil no good bums!

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  10. Yeah, that would explain Edward's problem. It also explains why he can't relate to people, wanted a slave to take care of his needs, whenever he wanted, without having to worry about how to behave "normally"...I'm not going to call him names anymore. He's Edward, broken Edward, willing to help Bella.

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  11. oh ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh poor DoucheWard!!!!!!!!!!!! Cant see hw dis makes him the SleezeBag he iz but its no way 2 b brought up all in the same!!!!!! He's seen shit.....no doubt!!!!!! But daymeeeee, he f@#^ed up poor Bellz life!!!!!! I dont kno if 2 feel sry 4 him or take Alice's Berretta n end him....I'm TORN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! At least he's tryna do right by her altho he cant right this wrong?!?! Or can he??

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  12. Oh goodie! Some more info on Edward!

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  13. Yep...Edward had a real fucked up life. Neglected and unwanted...but he still has some humanity left, doesn't he?

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  14. Poor Edward. I hope his parents get killed too.

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  15. It's amazing Edwrad has some sense of culpability in regards to Bella at all, considering his role models. It's amazing he can relate and empathize with others at all.

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