Wednesday, May 18, 2011

CBWR? Chapter 93

Auythor's notes:
See what happens when I wake up to hot manips?  I get up and write!  Remember that Lolypop82!  Her fabulous manips have been added to chapters 87 and 88 - check them out!
“You’re a vegetarian?”
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Chapter 93
We talked for weeks.
I don’t think I had ever talked so much in my life.  Sometimes I had to stop and drink half a bottle of water before I could talk anymore. 
I told Irina everything I could remember about growing up in the trailer.  I told her about dropping out of school and driving the trucks full of gun shipments.  I told her about taking over the business through blood and threats of blood.
She always asked the same questions – whether I was talking about my mom making lunch, my dad yelling, or putting a bullet in someone’s scull – what were you thinking at the time?  How did you feel about it afterwards?
The answer with always the same.
Nothing.
“Until you bought Bella.”
“Until I bought Bella.”
“What was different?”
“At first?  Nothing, really,” I told her.  I mean, I was frustrated and ticked off about the whole thing, because I was so unprepared.  I was used to being prepared for whatever was going to happen, and I wasn’t.  I’d fucked it up.  I didn’t even have any clothes or anything for her.”
“At what point did you begin to feel guilty for what you had done?”
“Right after I raped her.”
Irina leaned back a little and started tapping her pen rapidly against the edge of the desk.  I had come to notice that she did this when she was trying to figure out how to phrase her question.
“You didn’t recognize the act as rape at the time,” she pointed out.  “Why do you think you felt guilty then?”
“It’s when she started having nightmares.”  I leaned forward and put my elbows on my knees.  I rubbed my fingers into my eyes.  I didn’t understand how talking could give me headaches, but it sure as hell did.
“I think we’re about done for today,” Irina said.  “You look tired.”
I shrugged. 
“Are you eating any better?”
I shrugged again.  Still the fucking master.
”What did you eat for lunch?”
“There really wasn’t anything.”
She opened up a drawer and pulled out the menu schedule.
“It says here there was meatloaf, mashed potatoes with gravy and green beans,” she read from the form.  “Sounds like something.”
“I don’t…um…eat meat.”
“You’re a vegetarian?”
“Yeah, I guess.”
“So what did you eat?”
“I ate some of the beans.”
“This morning?” she pressed.
 “Cereal.”
“Last night?”
“Damn, woman,” I said, but I smiled at her a bit.  “I had a roll and…I don’t remember.  Peaches or pears or something.”
“Have you asked for vegetarian meals?”
I gave my shoulders a bit more of a workout, and Irina sighed and ended our session so she could go work with the group.  I had been excused from the group sessions, since Irina was working with me personally instead.  I went to the courtyard, smoked until we had to go back in, talked to Seth a little at dinner, where I tried to eat peas, but honestly – I never liked the fuckers.
I went to bed at lights out, looking over the latest letter from Bella for the fourteenth time.  I had received it two days ago, though it was obvious from the content it had been written six months ago.  I had received two others that weren’t as old as this one.
Hello Edward,
I graduated last week, and college is just around the corner.  I tried to find one that wasn’t too far from you, but there just isn’t any way I can afford to move right now.  I’m still hoping I’ll be able to move for my second year, but the first one will be at the community college near my hometown.  I got a better job that’s close to school so I can get more hours.  I’m living with my parents and saving everything.  I want to see you, and I’m trying – I really am.
I haven’t gotten any letters from you, and I’m pretty sure my dad has been taking them before I can find them.  He denied it, but I told him I knew they were throwing out my letters to you.  Funny – he admitted to that, but still denied throwing yours out.  I still work at the Port Angeles city library one weekend a month – could you trying writing me there?  I don’t think they would throw out a letter if I got one there.
 I miss you.  I hope you are okay.
Love,
Bella
I pushed the paper back underneath my pillow along with the others.  I always carried most of them with me, but the no longer fit in my pockets very well, and I didn’t want them noticed again.  Not after the last time.
During my next session with Irina, she found out about the letter from Bella.  She was not exactly thrilled at the whole idea.  Not at all, actually.
“What happened to your eye?”
“Fight,” I said with an award winning shrug.
“What were you fighting about?”
I didn’t answer.
“When you first arrived here, you were attacked,” she said about three minutes after hello.  “You spent a couple of days in the infirmary.”
“I’m not talking about that,” I said.  I tried to talk a slow breath, but it wasn’t working very well.
“You’ve been in two other fights since then,” she said.  “One of those was six months ago, the other last week.  You aren’t a prison brawler, Edward – why now?”
“He…tried to take something of mine.”
“What was it?”
I sighed and looked up to her blue eyes, and gave up.  She had her determined face on, and I had honestly not been very successful in getting away with silence when she had that look on her face.
“A letter.”
“Who wrote to you?”
“Bella.”
For the first time, Irina was silent without the assistance of pen tapping.
“She writes to you?”
“Yeah.”
“How often?”
“Once a month, usually,” I answered.  “It’s hard to tell, I usually get a couple of them at a time, and the last one I got was from six months ago.  I have fourteen of them all together.”
“May I read them?”
We locked gazes as a little mini debate club started yelling back and forth at each other in my head.  Was it betraying Bella to let someone else read them?  Would it help Irina understand, and then she could help me, and I could get out of here with a chance of at least being in her life in some way?  Would Bella be angry if someone else read them?  Would Irina be angry at me for keeping them from her?
I shook my head, trying to ward off the impending headache.
Fuck it.
I took out the six letters currently in my pocket and lay them down on the desk.
It couldn’t hurt, right?
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Chapter end notes: 
I really wrote this whole story to bring out the lack of vegetarian options in the US penal system.  It's true.  Well, all right - not just in the penal system.  Really though, from chapter one I intended Eddie to go veggie by the end.
How do you think Edward is prgressing in his little talks?  Do we like Irina?  Drop me a comment and tell me what you think, or stop by the thread and discuss theory. :)

104 comments:

  1.  Wow why doesn't he write her? that pisses me off..he needs to tell her that he is ok at least so she doesn't worry so. Not sure about Irina... but so far I like her

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  2. Hopefully Irina can help Edward - she seems like she is doing her best to help sort him out...  thanks so much for the update by the way Savage!  I wasn't expecting one so soon :-)  A little treat just before I go to bed! ox AV

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  3. I like Irina because she's making him talk. He needs to talk. It can only help him, right?

    I understand why he won't write to Bella, but I feel badly for her because she hasn't heard from him.

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  4. I'm hoping Irina can help Edward.  He deserves a better life, right?  Hope he can have one with Bella....Still loving everything about this story...Thanks. 

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  5. I seriously hope Irina is a good thing. She seems to make him think about his life and the hopefully good things to come. 

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  6. Hopefully Irina is helping. It seems to help Edward, but this is FF. Hopefully there isn't another motive. I am sure she will bring up to him why he isn't writing. I wonder if she will tell him to discourage her from writing to him anymore.

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  7. Good morning beautiful!  It's 5am bright and early here and I can't tell you how much I love waking up to an update for you.  You've made my day bright already.  If I could do manips I'd be doing them every night for you if you updated this early.

    I like Irina...so far.  I swear to god if she does anything with those letters or some how interferes with Bella writing to him I'll strangle her.  ...okay, kinda hard to strangle a fictional character but it's the thought that counts.  I really hope she sees that Edward isn't delusional about Bella caring for him and encourages him to write back. 

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  8. Me too. But, I'm not sure. He's telling her everything and now showing her bella's letters. This could end really well, or disastrously. I really hope the former. he doesn't need to feel betrayed by anyoneelse. 

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  9. Edward as vegetarian...even with your author's note, I'm having trouble believing that....it STILL sounds like an excuse he's making for why he's not eating the craptastic prison food.  I can't imagine how they'd manage to mangle specialty dishes.  I think it's great he's talking so much to Irina.  I think she's not going to be happy with the letters.  Personally, I think he should write her back.  In reality?  He should probably just fade away...

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  10. Soooo I'm gonna go make coffee, any chance they'll be another update when I get back? Pretty please with a cherry and a naked Edward on top?

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  11. Thanks for posting so early. I just checked in on a whim. Happy dance. 

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  12. I'm just hoping Irina isn't going to snitch on him. (Only basis for that thought is BD... ) I also hope she doesn't feel the need to separate them more. I think these characters being Bella and Edward need each other. If they don't then their names shouldn't be Bella and Edward.

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  13. I'm hoping Irina is good...she seems to be good FOR him...

    I'm hoping that he writes to her at some point...

    Ugh, I hate peas too...shudder. 

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  14. At first I thought Irina wanted a private private session; but that was just my dirty mind...
    Do they really get so many years for this kind of rape, in the US, even when he plead guilty?
    Here in germany you have to almost kill the victim to get this sentence, wich is really a shame...

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  15. I don't quite understand why Bella's letters take such a time arriving? If her dad is taking her letters to him they should't arrive at all, and if they actually are mailed, why the delay? Edward doesn't know where she lives so how could he write her, the Port Angeles library is so far the first actual address she has provided. I really, really hope he does write, she needs to hear he's ok.

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  16. Just please let love win in the end and let it be that that makes them a couple, not just that one might.

    I'm so very worried about how you phrased it- the only night - kind of scares me, but maybe the timing of the storytelling becomes present tense when he gets her back ---

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  17. l am so glad he is beginning to trust Irina because I do feel that she is going to help him. Love how he keeps Bella's letters in his pockets, they are his only solace in this hell his is living in. She is the only person in his entire life who hasn't left him and even though she can't be with him, she is with him in  spririt and that is all he needs to get through this hell.

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  18. I was so surprised to have this update so early! I was hAving a bad AM. Teenager problems! It put a smile on my face and made me happier! Thank you! I am not sure what to think about Irina yet. Hopefully she is trying to help Doofus and be a friend to him. I hope he writes to Bella, would love to read that letter! Vegetarian ? Too funny! A little twilight there?

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  19. I don't understand why he wont write her... Is it the 'clean break' thing? I like Irina...but I'm afraid to. Im beginning to think you're showing us a bit of, I can't remember the term, transference? otherwise, why would he notice her blue eyes?

    Edward is actually talking more with Irina, but he gained insight with B. Of course, he didn't believe/apply HER insights. I am glad that you didn't let the unrealistic fantasy of B 'fixing' him happen, though.

    A request: I love your site, but will you please consider a darker font for the story text? I go blind reading this on my phone & it distracts me from your story. :/

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  20. Hey, if the lack of vegetarian food is why you wanted to write this, I'll support you wholeheartedly!  I'm glad he found Irina, she is going to be his saving grace, right?? 

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  21. Sea here, forgot to add: the veggie thing fits w E trying to clear his conscience. That whole 'one burger' thing you already referenced. I like it. I also like that he's too clueless & self-disparaging to think to ask for a veggie diet. :)

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  22. When did he go vegetarian? Why did he go vegetarian? And thanks for writing a vegetarian protagonist, something otherwise sorely lacking. And thanks, you know, for writing interesting stuff for me to read!

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  23. Is nice to see him getting some help, I didn't understand why irina wasn't happy about the letters? He needs to writte her

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  24. Seems in the UK you get locked up longer for fraud than violence or rape!

    I hope to God that Irina is helping him, he so needs a break and someone being genuine with him. I hope he sees that he's worthy of love and can use his obviously very great talents to prosper legally and have a happy loving life with Bella. They definitely need each other. Please Shay? Oh, and I totally understand his decision not to eat meat. He doesn't want any sacrifices for him.

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  25. I think Irina can help....if he opens up. Has he writtan to Bella or is the jail intercepting his letters?

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  26. #:) they better leave Edward alone! hope Irain goes a bring Bella over to see him, think she going to become the message passer, Bella will send letter to her and She will pass them to edward, who will wright to bella. Savag can Edward wright he did go to school much, so does he have some diffcualyt there she has told him twice now where she works, why has he not wrote back?

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  27. Don't think anything he says can be used against him Dr/patient confinentiality BS. Just hope she's not a mole for the organization.  

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  28. I like Irina. I do think she will help him. I hope she encourages him to write back to Bella. Bella deserves the acknowledgement that he is getting the letters. But then again it might hurt her to know he has been getting them and not writing back. Maybe Irina can help him with it and explain his guilty conscience. I hope Bella can visit him soon. I think he needs it. 

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  29. Really enjoying reading about the therapy sessions with Irina...I really can't wait to see what her take on Edward is...and I really really can't wait to see what her reaction to Bella's letters witll be.
    Ultimately I hope that Irina will see that Edward isn't a serial rapist. That he would never do what he did to Bella to anyone else. At this point I imagine it would be difficult for him to even have sex with anyone other than Bella. 

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  30.  Irina is respectful and attentive. She has learned a lot about Edward. She makes him look into himself and the way he has lived and to think about it. She helps him become a thinking person. She knows that he has a conscience and wants to heal and this motivates her to work with him. She noticed that he eats very little and tries to help. Edward decided to trust her and open up and it looks like she deserves his trust. I think it is very relieving for him to be able to share everything with her. He has such high hopes that she will help him and this makes it easier for him to endure his sentence. Irina didn't expect that Bella writes to Edward. The letters will help her understand better their relationship. She will see that Edward has a chance to be with Bella and to fulfil his dream.

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  31. Our poor sweet, yes I said sweet, Edward. He is still such a litle boy deep down -hidden- inside. I hope Irina can help him get better, get out, and get fed. Our E's just wasting away!!!!

    Another reviewer mentioned the lack of "vegetarian protagonists" in fanfic. Well, go check out Pure Revelations by georgialion (yes, it's my collab story with georgiaedwardlover). It's about our favorite characters living in a "pure" society--vegetarian/organic/celibacy/no alcohol/no tob/etc. hehehe...it's really a wild ride.

    Thanks for the update. I'm thinking that this is the best part of the story so far.

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  32. Thank you for this great update. Your writing schedule has been awesome! Why hasn't Edward written back? What are his thoughts? 

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  33. It is interesting that Edward is in prison for a mistake that he didn't intend...I mean, he did intend to buy a sex slave, but he didn't know she was underage and that is why he is in jail.  And he already felt guilty about it and had tried extremely hard to make amends, only having sex with her at her insistence.

    But he is otherwise a total criminal who should have done time for countless other reasons.  Irina cannot report any of the other crimes he has now confessed to her, but is there to help him become a whole and loving person.  And yes, I can't wait to hear what she thinks about Bella's letters, because Bella seems to have forgiven Edward and cares for him still.

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  34.  You are so thoughtful. I'm so glad someone finally tried to do something about lack of vegetarian choices, very funny AN but actually quite true about the lack of vegan/vegetarian options for inmates. I'd be kinda scared for him to get a separate meal in prison if a letter can get you beat up.
    I'm so glad your vegetarian if this story is the result.;)
    Yes, we like Irina, I'll speak for all the readers. I think, I hope she encourages Edward to write to her, if Irina tells him to stay away from Bella then no, not a fan of hers.

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  35. I like irina and I think she'll be able to help edward with his aabandonment issues and I also think she'll work to short his time in prision... and I'm sorry I was unfair towards bella. I'd like edward to write her a letter.  

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  36. still here and still loving this story! I'm hoping Edward can move forward to a better place. Bless Bella for continuing to say she hasn't left him. She is a very strong and compassionate woman.  

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  37. He needs to write her. Why doesn't he write her? And I think it is great that he is talkin it all out. It's not good to hold all that in

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  38. I think Irina is helping him. The very fact that he can talk things out is a big help to him. He was never good at communicating, so this is a huge step for him. I'm not sure what she's up to with seeing those letters though...I hope she will not make him believe they should stop. God knows, it is the only way that Edward can cope with what is happening with him, in the sense that they give him a reason to fight and change, and not revert to the emotionally numb character he once was.

    It was devastating to see actually how numb he was, feeling nothing, inspite all the drama that he's had in his life, until he was confronted with Bella's nightmares...He was dead inside, and it's so terrible that it took putting her through so much pain to wake up...

    But he's on his way to change. He's opening up in ways even he didn't think possible, and even the fact that he became a vegetarian shows his determination to leave behind the old him that didn't care.

    I believe he should talk to Irina also about that first assault he suffered in prison. Whether it was sexual or not, there is an anger about what happened that is very much present in him, since he won't talk about it, and the only way to purge it is through talking about what happened....

    Thanks for the update, dear Shay! I am so attached to this Edward, the lost child that turned into a misfit, and Bella really seems to care about him, since she's trying hard to find a way to come see him.

     

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  39. I think Irina is going to say Bella has Stockholm Syndrome. I don't know if E will believe this, though. I honestly have no answers or theories. This story has been unpredictable so far. FLOVE IT!

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  40. Amiga, Your Edwards always make me think too much and as you know too much self reflection turns depressing and addictive.  And because your stories don't have the generic hea, I'm holding my breath and enjoying the ride without thinking too much.   I'm hoping that you won't stop writing so you can free us all from this sad Edward.  I actually think he is getting off lightly because I'd have voted for the Alice way of dealing with him.

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  41. It's obvious she already has helped him--he's talking to her, and telling her the truth.

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  42. Progress is good.  Can I assume that Eddie has not written any letters to Bella?   

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  43.  I think your doing a great job. I love your stories. I have been following you for awhile now. Read some others things you have written. But this is by far the best. Thanks

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  44. i really hope irina does not have any ulterior motives...how old is she again or was that never disclosed?

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  45.  Aaaaaand, I'm caught up!  Damn, this shit is so good, girl!

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  46. So far, we like Irina. I think? As long as she stays in "shrink mode" its all good. Anything else and I might have to shank her. I can't really predict which way her reading the letters will go. She could start spouting of Stockholm Syndrome and trying to tell him its not really love and blah, blah, blah. Yeah, no. The only way she could approach the Bella situation is if she "fixes" some of Edward's issues first. Any negativity towards his relationship with Bella is just going to shut him down b/c that is the only good thing he's ever had in his life (no matter how brief it was). She is the only one who hasn't left him. Maybe Bella deserves more credit for understanding him, and she knows if she doesn't keep reminding him that she is there for him he will lose hope and give up. Irina will probably see Bella's tone in the letters sounds somewhat obsessive, or maybe she'll find some way to get Bella there so she can talk to her. Hell, there is grant money floating around for everything. Why not for a plane ticket (or even a scholarship for Bella to go to school) to help rehabilitate an inmate? 

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  47.  Edward wanted to protect Bella. That has been his main goal. And he knew that all the media news would not help her. I believe this has always been his reason. Protect Bella First. And she had to be protected from "him". At least in his mind.

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  48. Irina definitely been a great help for Edward.
    I know he is not ready to answer the letters from Bella yet, but I would love him to do it.
    It's more than clear that Bella wants and would give anything to be near him and be able to visit but it is obvious that at the moment is impossible for her.
    I wonder how that reencounter will be between them?
    Thanks for another great chapter.

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  49. What's the point in reading about a character you want dead? It's amazing that this Edward is not perceived as worthy of redemption, after all he's done to right his wrong, after he wishes it never happened and he's given up everything he ever was to at least try to make things better, being conscious of the fact that all his life he's been in the wrong...I feel for him so much, especially because there are still people who think he doesn't deserve any better or even worse, they want him dead...

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  50. Yeah, I wondered if she is an actual "Dr." myself. Maybe she was lying about it being privileged info. Surely if she works at the prison as a counselor she's legit. 

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  51. Remember Tanya, the vegetarian from h.s.? He told her that it didn't matter if she didn't eat it bc the cow is still dead. That was how he justified wanted to buy a slave: the woman is still a slave whether she belongs to me or someone else, so it doesn't matter.

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  52. yeah im loving Irina .. i don't know why she's not happy about Bella letters .. it wud kill Edward if she gave up on him .. i sure as hell don't want her to give up on him
    i love that Edward is progressing .. he WANTS to be better .. that's a very good step .. one day he will need to feel Bella as a constant in his life so he can want to be better for himself instead of for her
    Edward needs to feel loved and wanted for once .. he needs to have someone to stick with him no matter what ..  

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  53.  I think Bella is showing him that she isn't giving up on him and abandoning him like everyone else has. Irina is helping too. She is concerned that he isn't eating. Maybe she will go to whoever and let them know he needs a vegetarian meal. Sounds like to me he is waisting away. Is there something with the headaches? 

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  54. I do like Irina.  I hope I continue to like her.  Counselors are often demonized in so many stories...  They aren't all bad!!
    Very curious about what she will say about the letters.  Bella sounds like such a young girl in them.   

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  55. I love Irina. Not only because she is making him think and work through his life. I love that she is looking out for him and asking what he is eating. I wonder what she will say about the letters and if she will encourage him to write back. Maybe she could incorporate him writing to Bella as homework to accompany his therapy. Of course that would mean she would read the letters, but I don't think that would be a bad thing at this point. Bella obviously wants to visit Edward the first chance she gets, so Irina will have to start preparing him for that possibility. I wish they could blog in prison. I would be so cool if Edward could protocol his life and thoughts as well as progress. That way Bella could be in the loop too.

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  56. I do like Irina.... it seems like she really wants to care for him.. 

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  57. I just had a thought. Bella is the first one that Edward had ever opened up to about his past, and now he's talking to Irina about everything. Maybe, it's because no one else has ever even asked. Kids get shuffled through the system and he had lived on his own most of the time anyway so he had no one to help him understand what was what.  His women in his past didn't care enough to ask or surely he would have talked to one of them. Even Kate didn't seem like a bad  person after they actually had a conversation. Maybe, he never realized he needed to talk to them. 

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  58. I like Irina but am worried about what she will say about Bella's letters. Why hasn't he written her? He could call her if she gives him her cell number.

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  59.  There aren't enough options for vegetarians, period. Not so sure about Irina's demand to read the letters, they are personal. however, given the circumstances, she can ague that it will help her understand the dynamic between E and B...   Is Edward going to be painter ?

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  60. I think he is progressing slowly, jury still out on Irina. I hope he writes to Bella, poor girl is just left hangin all this time.

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  61. I am not exactly sure WHY Irina wants to read B's letters? What's the point? She is supposed to be helping E gain insight into himself - not relationship counseling. I trust her intentions but this seems to be motivated by curiosity and a boundry issue. She doesn't have cart blanche into his or especially B's life.

    I trust Irina's intentions and I think she is helping but that doesn't mean I trust her judgement. She could make bad or only slightly informed decisions and end up creating (big) problems.

    I miss E and B together :[ Puhleeze can we get just a little exb time soon. Puhritty Puhleeze with puppy dog eyes at you.

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  62. I think that Irina has Edward's interest at heart.  You don't take a job as a counsellor in a prison just to mess up the people who confide in you.  I think that since Edward is so closed off, in spite of his instance that he is trying to be open with Irina, Irina is looking for insight into Edward and feels that Bella's letters could provide this.  Additionally, while Edward obviously cares for Bella, Irina could be thinking he is deluding himself that the feelings are returned.  I can see that this might be helpful in Irina helping Edward prepare for at least the possibility that Edward can keep Bella in his on some level.  I don't feel her reason for wanting to read the letters is simply curiosity 

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  63. :)   therapy will be helpful, even if he doesnt like it.

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  64. Thanks for the chapter but uh...why would I want to go back and see manips for their Paris sex?  Since that would just be utterly depressing and shit.  Funny, you are super funny sometimes Savage. 

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  65. I don't trust shrinks, so I don't trust Irina. Ask me again at the end of the story if I like her, for now I don't like her.

    I'm still mad at Bella and what she writes in the letters is to vague for me to forgive her yet. I don't know if seeing this time written in her POV would help me understand her or not but that's not an option so, yeah still mad at her.

    You said on your a/n that you intended for E to go veggie but I still don't understand his thought process (if he had any) to decide to stop eating meat. Not that I'm opposed to it, I just don't understand what made him decide to become veggie.

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  66.  Shows the love Bella has she still writing and getting nothing back.

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  67. Lol! You wrote this whole story to bring out the lack of vegetarian options... Here I thought it was a story of personal growth and maybe love. Maybe it's all of the above. I completely agree that there should be more vegetarian options, and not just in the penal system.

    Is he not writing Bella at all? If not, he should really get on that.

    I like Irina, so far. I'm hoping that she continues to help and not end up fucking him over.

    Thanks for the update! I love waking up to a little CBWR? in my box. Okay, it wasn't in my box, but I enjoy it all the same. 

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  68.  How the hell did I miss this??? Ah well, I'm here now.

    I do like Irina, she seems good. I find Edward's behaviour very New Moon-ish in terms that he's not eating enough, he's not really living, just sulking in his misery. I hope Irina makes him better, and maybe asks the prison management (or whatever they're called) to provide him with vegetarian food.

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  69. You know, in order for them to be PEN PALS he will have to write back!!!

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  70. I hope Irina can help him, right now I think she is the only one who can do something for Edward. Showing her the letters is a good idea. Yes, he committed a crime against Bella, but the circumstances changed just as they did. Edward is a better, a much better man thanks to Bella, that has to count!!!
    And as for him being a veggie... liked it ;)

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  71. I have some experience with the whole therapy thing from the other side of the desk from Edward and I got to say if all clients could be as open and trusting as Edward and all Therapists could be as non-judgemental as Irina well treatment would have far more successful outcomes. I really like how she stays professional and does not lapse into a friend role which occurs in some stories... speaks to your knowledge of this process. I also like that she shows she cares by asking about his health, getting thinner, looking tired, eating habits,   being beaten up, as emotionally he is very young and responds well to the nurturance he receives as shown by his growth with Bella showing him kindness. I hope Irina helps Edward figure out some more things he can do for himself like drawing more, figuring out the meaning behind the things he has done. People may not approve of Bella writing to Edward or vice versa (people like Bella's parents or Alice or even Irina)but the thing is that these outsiders don't know how Edward has been effected by what he did to Bella and how her actions changed him and how Bella was changed too and got through it with the constant nurturance and support of Edward. They are both victims to a greater or lesser degree and both have changed immeasurably as a result of what happened and neither one of them will ever be the same again and the new people they are now may be right for each other.  

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  72. I'm just glad he's talking, he probably has no idea how bad his life has been.  He's just tried to survive it.  

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  73. just glad there is someone he can talk to. Wonder how much better off inmates would be if they had someone to really listen. 

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  74. The fact that Irina is getting him to open up and talk is huge!  He has buried his feelings for so long (until Bella), that he seems to be emotionally numb.  I am happy the way things are progressing.  Maybe Irina will tell him if she feels he should write to Bella or not after she reads her letters.
    Quit fighting, Ed!  You need to keep "clean" so you can get out early for "good behavior!"  How long has be been incarcerated by now?
    I look forward to this story each day!

    xoSus 

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  75. I think it is good that Edward is telling Irina so much.  About showing her the letters...well, by all accounts they've already been opened and read by the prison staff, so I'm not sure this would hurt.  I'm sure Bella would want him to show them, if she thought it would help him.

    (And I went back to chaps 87 & 88 to look at Lolypop's manips—awesome, as usual!)

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  76. Vegetarian! Oh these authors and thar agendas I tell ya... if there isn't all these girls booking to have their coronas reinstated because it is the latest fashion, now Savage wants the penal system to have a new form of punishment....

    ....just joshing as I too make the very best veggies dishes twice a week and I am all about the compost for my garden and other annoying hippie things my kids have been embarrassed about.... uh never mind the whole um Fanfic thang.

    But I wanted to say... after much thinking.... I think Edward should ask Irina to to write to Bella on his behalf... thanking her for the letters and how much they have helped him to know she is all right, and that she should continue seeing her therapist and her education.

    But

    that she needs to take care of herself, and that means she she needs to let go.

    If she wants, she can contact him when his sentence ends in [X] through Irina, because I think Edward contacting her might be detrimental to his getting any early parole.

    Because she needs to let go and heal and this hanging on and being honest with her therapist or parents is not healthy. She had some terrible things happen to her by Aro and James, and she needs to take care of herself and I am sure Edward wants that for her.

    Whoever he was those heady days and nights in Europe will not be the man she sees when he gets out, and she needs to realize big strong arms dealer fantasy rich hotel lover will be gone.

    Granted, she came to know the wounded boy and what led to him buying someone who would never leave. I get how she still feels,despite everything that had happened, that she remembers that Edward because to dwell on the other things would be unbearable.

    But she has to face the bad stuff too, just like Edward is, in order to heal.

    When he gets out, there will be whole other wounded man to get to know on top of that, one who has been incarcerated, and who has to start from zero.

    I think by communicating through IrIna, Edward will not jeopardize what he is trying to fix.

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  77. its true, (about not being many, if any, vegitarian options for prisoners.) my friends husband was told eat the meat or starve to death not their problem.

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  78. I do like Irina.  I think she is helping Edward.  But I do think it will be a mistake if she tries to make him feel that Bella writing him is bad.  Those letters are all he has to give him a little hope and help him feel a little alive, right? 

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  79. Yes I really like Irina a lot.  She is doing wonders for our boy.  And yes, if a person is supposed to improve themselves while in prison, then they should have those foods that are for them.  People may hate me for caring about those behind bars, but you sing  a different tune when it's someone close to you.

    I hope Edward writes back to Bella.

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  80.  This is just so sad to read. This Edward has slowly, ever so slowly grown on me. GAH Seriously! I battle with being a vegetarian every day. But yeah, it sucks to look at a menu and not want a single thing on it. I am loving all these chapters! Thanks for writing!
    ~Jessi

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  81. I do think Irina is good for him... so far. Guess we shall so further. I don't know how I feel about her reading the letters tho. And I don't know how Bella would feel about someone else reading them as well. 

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  82. it is interesting... not sure how she is really helping.  poor ed my heart goes out to him.   

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  83. Well just the fact that he was willing to open up to Irina has me liking her. lol  I really can't imagine trying to eat veggie away from home. Just trying to avoid soy and grains is tough enough! 

    I do wonder what Irina will make of Bella's letters.  Loved their session here.  Very telling.  Granted, emotional unavailability isn't cool.  Hope he figures it out.

    Thanks!!

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  84. wow. he's really opening up. just glad irina is not able to bring up anything unless it's for future crimes or if he is planning on hurting himself or someone else

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  85. Oh man - I can't believe he let Irina have his letters.  Hopefully she doesn't keep them.  

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  86. I like Irina, but if she ends up screwing Edward over, we are going to have some problems. I hope things start looking up for Vegward. 

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  87.  I'm a veggie, I wholeheartedly support Edward's dietary choice...

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  88.  i'm not really sure if i like the idea of edward giving irina the letters to read...but speaking of letters i have to wonder why edward hasn't written to bella yet.

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  89. Mayb he cant write to her............I hope Irina wil help tho!!!! Mayb he cud write da letters & giv it 2 Irina so she cud post them, dat way we wil at least kno they've reached her right?.............He really is doin betr huh?!?!? Well kinda.....I really wanna see him pull thru this and he will!!!! 
    CMON Irina.....dont fcuk this up for Eddie or Bella ok. I really hope he doesnt hav 2 spen another year b4 he gets any physical contact wid Bella tho........O_o

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  90. I love Irina. In other stories I've read she's been horrible but I really like her in CBWR? I think that sharing his letter from Bella will really help Edward. I'm hoping that he'll get parole early or something. 

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  91. Normally Edward is a vegetarian vamp so why not a vegetarian human. One of my stories where Bella was a vegetarian when human, then when she was turned she became a vegan vamp, she couldn't even drink from carnivores.

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  92.  I'm glad he's talking.. Irina seemed OK until she wasn't happy about the letters.  "During my next session with Irina,
    she found out about the letter from Bella.  She was not exactly thrilled
    at the whole idea.  Not at all, actually." 

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  93. He's not writing back i assume??  I'm so loving this story still but I know its coming to an end....sigh...

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  94. I'm hoping that Edward's headaches are down to stress and hunger...  and yeah I like Irina.

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  95. I like the veggie thing and I immediatelly related to the Tanya thing about how is no one eats burgers the cow gets to live. I also like how things are going with Irina and I wonder how everything will fit together in her head once she reads Bella's words. Will Irina encourage Edward to write to Bella?

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  96. I'm hoping that Irina helps Edward.  He needs all the help he can get!

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  97. I think Edward is making incredible progress and is definitely getting better for his Bella.

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  98. You know, in order for them to be PEN PALS he will have to write back!!!

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  99. Seems in the UK you get locked up longer for fraud than violence or rape!

    I hope to God that Irina is helping him, he so needs a break and someone being genuine with him. I hope he sees that he's worthy of love and can use his obviously very great talents to prosper legally and have a happy loving life with Bella. They definitely need each other. Please Shay? Oh, and I totally understand his decision not to eat meat. He doesn't want any sacrifices for him.

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  100. I don't understand why he wont write her... Is it the 'clean break' thing? I like Irina...but I'm afraid to. Im beginning to think you're showing us a bit of, I can't remember the term, transference? otherwise, why would he notice her blue eyes?

    Edward is actually talking more with Irina, but he gained insight with B. Of course, he didn't believe/apply HER insights. I am glad that you didn't let the unrealistic fantasy of B 'fixing' him happen, though.

    A request: I love your site, but will you please consider a darker font for the story text? I go blind reading this on my phone & it distracts me from your story. :/

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  101. I'm just hoping Irina isn't going to snitch on him. (Only basis for that thought is BD... ) I also hope she doesn't feel the need to separate them more. I think these characters being Bella and Edward need each other. If they don't then their names shouldn't be Bella and Edward.

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  102. Wonder why he's not writing back. Hope irina is helping and can help get him out

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