Tuesday, May 17, 2011

CBWR? Chapter 92

Author's notes:
Glad to see people are still with me. :)
“Homework?”  I raised an eyebrow at her.
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Chapter 92:
I told her everything.
I told her about buying a girl for sex, raping her, killing a dozen people in some fucked up idealistic view that it might absolve me of my involvement, and falling in love with my victim.  I told her absolutely everything.
I thought maybe I would feel better afterwards.
I didn’t.
“That’s a lot to absorb all at once, Edward,” Irina said after I signified I was done by adding a little Porky Pig impersonation at the end of my story.  “I have to admit it.”
“How do I fix it?” I asked, and my words echoed in my own head, because I remembered asking Alice the same thing back in the beginning of all this mess.
“What does fixed look like to you?”
Fucking answering fucking questions with fucking questions.  Lovely.
“Make it never happen,” I finally said.
“That would be nice,” she agreed.  “Not possible, but a nice thought.  What about something in the realm of possibility?”
“I guess I can’t fix it.”
“Not in that way, no.”  Irina leaned back in her chair and tossed the pen she had been playing with the whole time onto her notepad.  I didn’t think she wrote a single word down.  “Will you meet with me again?”
“I guess so.”  I shrugged.
“I need a little time to process all of this in my own head,” she told me as she tapped her finger against her temple.  “And I have some homework for you.”
“Homework?”  I raised an eyebrow at her.
“Yes, homework,” she smiled over the desk at me.  “I want you to write down where you want to be one year from your parole.  Where are you?  Who are you with?  What do you do for a living?  Any or all of the above.  If you don’t want to write it out, you can always draw me a picture.  I’ll set up another appointment for next week.”
I went back to my cell with absolutely no idea what to write down.  Once I had sufficiently given myself a headache over it, I read all of Bella’s letters again – twice.  I lay back on the pillow as the lights went out, and wondered if I could even come up with something that looked like a normal life.  The trailer I grew up in and the penthouse I ended up in – neither of them were real.
I didn’t know what real looked like.
The lights went out, and the guards yelled at a few people to shut up.  I closed my eyes, drifting off to images of suburban living that looked like they came right out of Edward Scissorhands .
My fingers feel warm as I slip them through hers.  I bring her hand up to my lips, kissing the backs of her knuckles one at a time.  I love the way our hands look all intertwined together.  She smiles at me, and swings our arms between us as we step on to the private jet to take us…wherever we are going. 
The she is pushing me back against the sea,t and my clothes are gone, and as the plane takes off, she straddles me, and her warm skin is up against my hands as they explore her body.  It is both comfortable and familiar, yet there is no way I would ever grow tired of it. 
My hands slide down to her backside, lifting her up and slowly positioning her over the tip of my cock.  I bury myself in her silky warmth as her hand lays against the side of my head.  She sets the rhythm, moving her hips slowly so I’m just sliding back and forth inside of her.  I wrap one arm around her back and hold her closer to me as I feel myself get closer to ecstasy…

“Come on, Cullen!  You gotta eat sometime!”
I squeezed my eyes against the searing light, rolled over to one side, and started another day.
Irina was waiting pretty patiently, but I had yet to hand her my homework, even though I had been there for a good five minutes now and had the damn thing in my hand.
“Does it embarrass you?” she asked.
“I don’t know,” I said.  “Maybe.”
“Why?”
“It’s just…stupid.”
“Is it what you want for your future?”
I could only nod as Irina leaned across her desk and tilted her head to look at me.
“Please?”
I tried to glare at her, but it really wasn’t working.  I finally sighed, tossed the single sheet of notebook paper at her, and then leaned back in the seat.  I glared at a spot on the wall just for good measure.  I tried not to watch her expression as she looked at the drawing.
“Edward, this is very expressive,” she finally said after about three and a half hours of staring at it.  All right, it might have been a minute and a half, but it sure as hell felt like three hours.  My chest was tightening up again, and I wanted to get the fuck out of there.
She lay the paper face up on the desk and gestured to it.
“You have some talent here, Edward,” she said.  “Drawing hands is really hard.  Drawing two hands with their fingers all laced together like this is especially difficult.  But there’s more to it than just the quality of the drawing, do you know that?”
I didn’t respond.  I didn’t actually even move.
“Edward, I’m going to ask you an extremely cliché question,” Irina said.  “I hope you’ll talk to me about it anyway.”
“What is it?” I asked.
“Will you tell me about your mother?”
Oh this was going to be interesting, right?
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Chapter End Notes:
Don't you just hate those stereotypical questions counselors ask?  I hated them when I asked them...
Thanks to Lolypop82 for the manip on the plane!
Leave me some...something.

142 comments:

  1.  It all goes back to his deadbeat mom?

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  2. I'm still here and I still love you...kind of. ;)

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  3.  Awwwww!!!

    Haha, I defnitely was NOT expecting an almost-lemon in these chapters, him being in prison and all...I'm so proud of him for telling her everything, you're so right about his closure, he needs to come to terms with what has happened before seeing Bella again :)
    This picture is the sweetest thing!!! :) 

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  4. I'm leaving love ~ nothing but love here!
    Thanks for the update ~ I love seeing Doofy open up ~ as hard as it might be for him!

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  5.  Excellent starting point. His failure of a mother is the root of all evil and as long as he isn't free of her, he won't be ready for Bella. I wonder when he will write her.

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  6. sooooo good..  you were a counselor? I didn't know that... I am so glad she is asking about his childhood.  Mooooooooree.. so greedy! @MoniNP 

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  7. I'm just here, with crossed fingers hoping that Doofus would still get his HEA... i love this story so much! keep up the good work shay.  two thumbs up :)

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  8. Still here. He's making progress. If the drawing is indicative, I find it interesting that the female hand us the dominant one. The dream also shows Bella as the dominant partner in the way they are situated. She controls it. Very telling.
    Thank you for writing.

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  9. Great chapter, yes it all goes back to the dead beat Mom and lack of affection he received as a child. It is as simple as holding hands to so affection.

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  10.  I am just so anxious to see how how this story will progress.  Watching Edward actually do a little soul searching can feel so heartbreaking at times, but so necessary and wonderful too.  I have never considered bailing on this story, and even with all the angst I love reading it.  It just makes me even more anxious for the next chapters, even more so than when I was waiting to see how the defeat of Aro and all that action progressed.  Its this emotional development that's really so wonderful and intriguing.
    Anyway, I am anxious to see what Edward actually says about his mother.

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  11. Thanks.  Liked the drawing. 

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  12. I don't know if this is weird or overly emotional.. but I got misty eyed at seeing that hands laced drawing. *sniff* Srsly.

    Oh no.. now the mom talk... *bites nails*

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  13.  not sure why people are bailing now - its getting better and better!  truth is, it really could be worse, right???  you're not getting rid of me!!!

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  14.  And I find it so interesting that in his drawing, his hand/arm is so dark, and it only in the light when touching hers. Very expressive! And I just loved that this was the picture he made for his hope for the future!

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  15. my heart just breaks for Edward. 

     what he wants is perhaps the most basic of needs, and  yet, the  world is full of people who lived and died without the memory of real affection to remember in there deathbeds.

    its a good thing this is fiction  and you can write him a happy end if you want.


    thanks for the update shay =)

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  16. it always come down to the mom,... we are to blame for everything aren't we always the bad never the good.   But his mom is bad and she really f-ed him up that is why that i hate he is all alone.. poor guy he really makes me want to cry over him!!  so sad... :( 

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  17. You keep tugging at my heart strings:)
    @shelgibson

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  18. It always comes down to the mother, doesn't it?  Of course in Edward's case the mother is very relevant.  But I have already told my son that someday when he is in  therapy feel free to blame it all on me. 

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  19. Yes, thats why I make every effort not to ask them, lol.

    Like the pics - especially Edward's drawing. Thanks for including them. You capture his forlorn lostness well....
    :-)

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  20. Feeling so bad for Edward :( 

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  21. love that he's opening up to Irina. I hope she can help him. Glad Bella realized they were taking her letters. Great job all around!!!!

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  22. OMG... It's a 'mothers fault' issue on the day I have to discipline my kid (yep, used the phrase "I'll send you to military school' just like I got!)
    Cant wait to see where you're going with this...

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  23. I love that he realizes that neither the trailer nor the penthouse were part of a normal life. He has never known what normal is...maybe Irina will help him figure that out. Heck, they have plenty of time ;)  I want him to write to Bella...but where's he supposed to send the letter??

    I have never considered bailing out of this story. Heck, as far as I'm concerned, we're in the best part of the story right now!! He's healing, hopefully, and I really want to see him happy with a legal job, real friends, and, of course, Bella.

    Thanks for writing. The people that left are missing the cherry on top...and maybe we'll even see some whip cream...on a plane...nekkid. *sorry, i got carried away looking at the hot picture*

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  24.  I want to feel bad for him now....he is trying to make things better. He misses her, he realizes what he did wrong. 

    And his mother.....well that is a whole can of worms right there in itself....

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  25. Progress.
    It's baby steps...but he's making them!
    Thank you, sweetie... 

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  26. Poor Edward....but the only place to start is at the bottom, and  work your way up.  Telling Irina his story, and about his mother is going to be HARD....Hope he can do it!

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  27. Phew! At first I thought he had drawn the scene from the plane! Lmao. I'm sure Irina wouldn't have appreciated that...lol

    Another awesome chapter! :)

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  28. Did he tell her about Bella's letters? I'm guessing he didn't.

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  29.  What a beautiful drawing! I hope Doofy gets his HEA ;)

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  30. P.S.  Lolypop's manips are awesome!!! 

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  31. Oh Boy !  You'll never get rid of me !  This story is awesome !  I really like it when there is pic, especially the one with the drawing of Edward.  Thanks bb for the update !

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  32. Yes, it's cliché, but it's kind of complicated to avoid it.
    Of all the things that went through my head which Edward might write about, or draw, this came as a surprise. A wonderful one let me say. Shows so much of who he wants to be and all because and for her...

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  33. Did you draw that? I couldn't zoom in on my phone to see the signature.

    So simple. She is all he wants.

    Roshambo

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  34. Lovely hand drawing.. hot manip ! Hmmm... perhaps the psych can get him out faster in addition to helping him forgive himself.

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  35. still with you, I love this story. Your writing is fantastic whether you put 20 hours into a chap or 30 mins.

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  36. Progress. He's opening up so far, how much more? You can do this Edward! 

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  37. And the can of worms opens...

    It's still just so heartbreaking that he has no context whatsoever for "normal."

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  38. Last 2 chaps were heavy reality where as the first 90 were unrealistic in theory. It is fiction and entertaining but nothing of plot or character depth, but we knew that going in and confirmed by the short chaps. And come on, they have sex, they're in love, Bella is writing constantly and misses him? Is that really reality? Would that ever happen? Extremely doubtful. Why this serious chap then when the earlier were so unrealistic, doesn't make sense to me and goes against the whole flow. And that's why readers bailed, the dramatic turn of the story, not Edward going to jail for a crime he committed. It's confusing to go from one extreme to the other and that's what happened here. And again, that's why readers bailed, not because he didn't get away with it and walk in to the sunset with Bella.

    And beings we are going to the extremes now, I would love to see the ending as Edward is released on parole and DOESN'T contact Bella, goes on with his life, makes a clean successful start with the help of the magical jail dr, meets a nice girl, get's married, has babies, and Bella....just a memory of his past, a past he no longer is a part of.

    But again, I not the writer and I am sure Savage won't go with my theory! It is still a good story, and I am still curious to see how it ends. But the varied reviews I am reading are as confusing as the turn the story it self has made.

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  39. that he drew the hands together like that, it's beautiful. 

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  40. It sure looks like it says Shay or Savage.

    Don't tell me. You can draw, too? Goodness, what can't you do woman?

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  41.  I'm still here with you girlie!

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  42. Love this story.  Not going anywhere.  It's too go to stop reading.  I just hope Edward and Bella end up together.  I love a happily ever after:)

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  43. Edward really is a very emotional person underneath it all....Loved the pics.  I really want him to get his HEA.
     

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  44.  I think this is my favorite chapter to date. Don't get me wrong i loved them all i am so addicted to this story it's not even close to being funny anymore. I check for updates constantly and get excited when there is one. Can anyone say pathetic lol. Anyway the fact that what makes him the happiest is them holding hands just makes me wanna cry. I can't wait for the next chapter. 

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  45. I loved his picture and it was great.  It is going to he hard I think to read about his past.   

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  46. @credorosa: Just curious... I thought you said you were bailing out 2 chapters ago. But now you're back eh? And if you hate the story so much, why are you still reading it?

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  47. Hitchy *crazy for THG*May 17, 2011 at 6:22 PM

    :-)  I don't know who to lick first - lolypop or her manip

    lol 

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  48. thank gos doofus is getting help... I'm really hopeful about that! I'm so glad about the last two chapters... things are getting in order finally. beautiful, both the picture and the drawing 

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  49. I'm still here too and I'm not going anywhere.  I understand why you wrote his first prison experience as you did - we are reading about a guy that did it is realistic... Anyways, I can't wait to see where you're taking this story..  Also, I just wanted to thank you for the VERY frequent updates.  It is so much fun to check each day and see what's new.  I understand you have a life outside of FF and I appreciate the time you put intoyour stories for your fans!  Thanks

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  50. it always goes back to mommy doesn't it. we are all still here...we love you girl.

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  51. I love Edward Scissorhands! And this chapter. And I absolutely love what he drew for his future. 

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  52. Oh man, that picture was beautiful..it made me think how much it sucks that he finally had a small but very powerful taste of giving and feeling loved for the first time in his entire life ....and now he only has the memory....so sad. Maybe some day he'll get to feel that again....After some help from Irina, I hope he learns how to make friends, make a life outside of crime....and most of all I hope he gets to feel loved again.....please?
    Love this story....thanks :)

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  53.  1) Love the manip and smexy little snippet with it.  2) The image of them holding hands is just amazing. Them holding hands is not all I see.  I see the female's hand, which I am assuming is Bella's, holding Edward's hand.  First and foremost, her hand is in the forefront.  Edward's dark, shadowed hand sits in the back.  His fingers and knuckles carrying some light.  It's like Bella is bringing him out the darkness.  I love that.

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  54.  It was brave of him to express his dreams with the picture. I'm sure that it puts him in a vulnerable place and it is hard for a guy like him to let anyone see him that way. The intertwined hands say so much. Very sweet!

    Oh, the mother... I guess, being a prison psychologist, Irina has heard a lot of childhood stories. I hope she's prepared to hear Edward's and I hope he stays strong enough and open enough to share it.

    Loved this chapter!

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  55. Amiga, Again you amaze us with . . . more.

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  56. I almost laughed so hard that I peed my pants when someone said this story didn't have plot or character depth, HAHAHAHAHA!  WTF?  I'm Not sure how much more plot or depth could fit in this fic.  Also, women stay with men that are in prison all the time.  matter of fact I have an ex-uncle that met a woman while he was on death row for murder, and that bitch married him! So, yeah, it happens.  Life is full of extremes, it's what keeps it interesting.  It's what keeps this story interesting.

    Write on Savage! (insert fist bump here)

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  57.  Damn I know what I will be dreaming about tonight. I hope I don't call names out, wouldn't want the hubby to freak out!

    I think he is going to do well in couseling although Irina might think he is telling tales when he talks about his parents.

    I hope he starts eating.

    Jennifer

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  58.  Especially is you yell out "Bella!"  ROFLMAO

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  59.  I loved the way the whole neighborhood looked - cracked me up.  Like the lawnmower dance from "She's having a baby"

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  60. Oh boy, why do I feel like there's another roller coaster coming now that Irina is asking him about his mom? Yikes, I can't wait to read it!!
    You are so incredible talented and I am so thankful for all your frequent updates. Thank you so much :) 

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  61. Hi, I'm your typical lurker; but I wanted to pop out for a moment and say that I'm loving this story.  I'm sorry you lost readers for sending Edward to jail, but I understand why you did, and I check back an embarrassing number of times a day to see if there's a new chapter!  Keep up the great work; I'm looking forward to reading what happens next!

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  62. So glad I checked one more time for an update before bed.  Such a great chapter and I love the drawing it says so much more then if he just answered her questions with words.  You are amazing thanks so much for sharing this story with us all. 

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  63. I am totally consummed with the story.  I was thinking about it all day long..what did you do to me? lol  So Irina is gonna get to the bottom of why he is the way he is.  I am feeling better about his progress but I just hope he doesn't have to spend 10 years in prison...that's too long. Maybe Irina will cure him or figure him out and put in for an early release..she probably can't do that but hey, it's fiction.
    loved it!!

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  64.  Irina is good, I like her. She got right to the heart of his issues in one session. I hope she'll be able to help him. I cannot imagine a woman who would hear his story and not want to adopt him and spoil him rotten.

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  65. Even if he gets out, he'll still be on the sex offender list. That's lifetime.  

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  66. Back to Mommy Dearest. Let it all out Eddie boy.

    I wonder if Edward will decide to become a shrink when he gets out of jail.

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  67. love the pics that have been with some of the postings... If the counselor though she had a lot to process after Edward talked to her the first time, she may need a counseling session for herself if Edward talks about his mother.  should we send Edward a care package with cookies or something and see if we can't get him to eat?...(lol)

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  68. "Unf" for the manip.  And Poor Edward - his most FAVORITE subject.  I love his homework, and his response to it.

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  69. Love this obsessively, I'm pouting a bit because 8 yrs! OMFG WTF! I feel like that's just so long even when, yes, I know, he pled guilty and all but dangit! At least he's getting the help Bella began to see he needed, thought I wish there was something else she could do for him. I hope you have something a la Hollywood-esque to get his ass outta there. It seems his mind is his worse punishment, so after that gets all kosher of course. But REALLY who of us can claim a kosher psyche? Poor E n B...
    Annie

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  70.  Love the visuals through the chapters and the hand picture got me

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  71. I often think about Edward's anti-social tendencies as a coping mechanism and his casebook poverty and/or neglect that most prisoners share bragging rights on.

    The wealthy have their own brand of cruelty: somebody raised the smartest guys in the room (Enron) as well as that very clever wall street boy, Mr Madoff. He often showed angry outbursts towards his personal staff, and a clinical lack of remorse and reluctant admittance and failed plea bargaining before he would enter a guilty plea. It was a terrible legacy he left his own sons, one now deceased by suicide before he too faced the next federal indictment for the Ponzi scheme he also over saw.

    We don't always see the dark side of the moon in someone's childhood when it comes to criminal behavior, but we do know that recovery rates depend on a supportive network and a willing mind and heart.
     
    Can Edward do this alone? Could anyone?

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  72. Pefect symbol of what he desires.
     

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  73.  Love it. You're unfolding his "issues" beautifully.

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  74.  Oh, this is so, so good. I'm so excited for an almost-redemptive Edward. You're so responsible for my new compulsion of checking your blog every damn hour. Keep going- you've got some hardcore loyalists, and I'm one of them.

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  75. I'm like you. I check back far too often for updates. What can I say, Savage has me hooked. 

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  76. i am hanging in there, still enjoying the ride.  mainly because i know that although the journey with savage might be quite a rough and sometimes ugly one, the final destination usually ends up being a pretty good place to be dropped off...
     
    i will agree in part with one earlier comment though that there has been somewhat of a shift. while the topic of sex slavery is a very real issue, many aspects of the earlier chapters were unrealistic.  serving a prison sentence for crimes committed in the earlier parts of this story is quite a bit more realistic.  but at the end of the day, it's still all fiction.

    enjoy it or don't, read or don't...i still prefer debating this stuff over some of the discussions i'm faced with in rl.

    let's see, there's the healcare debacle, the economy, the price of gas, arnold schwartzenager's infidelity...ho, hum...
     

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  77. I love that Edward is getting some guidence. Nice slip of lemony goodness love it. Waiting on the edge of my seat for more!

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  78.  Yup, this is going to be interesting. I have to say this, though. I have been meaning to for a few chapters now, but your pictures with this story have been amazing. Every single one of them. Thanks for all the time and effort you have put into this incredible little story.
    ~Jessi

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  79. Great update. The therapy is very interesting touch. I hope Edward tells her how Bella interpreted his buying her and how he was kind and gentle and held Bella when she was upset and screeming in the middle of the night and about their wedding night that he never forced himself on Bella but he understands why he is still guilty of rape in the beginning anyway. I hope he opens up about his home life, his little friend and the toy piano  and the first day at school. All so significant to who he is. 

    The dream and the drawing are so meaningful... she is everything to him now... she brought him to life again and made him feel something for the first time... and not all of it good. Bella openned his eyes about how hollow and empty his life was and  how being a criminal is not who he aspires to be anymore. She taught him right from wrong, taught him what loving someone feels likeand what a real family should look like. I so hope he can convey this to Bella and also Irina too.

    Bella even comforts him in his dream with her hand on his face and the drawing the light for her and the dark for him, she is holding him in her hand... their lives and hearts intertwined. Beautiful. I hope he writes to her or calls her or sends her this drawing or one of her touching his face. He could reach her at the Library maybe if she is still there.She has graduated now maybe she is in University... maybe in his city?He never checked the date on the envelope maybe the letter he received that felt like the first letter really was and it was dated October or November of the year he entered prison not a year later. Maybe she can afford to come see him now if she knew he wanted to see her. She needs to know how much she has changed him... he needs to tell her or at least to reach out to her in some way. I hope he will and soon. I really love the therapy part of this.

    It is like he is in shock he did not realize at first that she has not left him... soon I hope he realizes she wants to hear from him. I hope he is allowed to write to the victim? 

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  80. cullencougerwannabeMay 17, 2011 at 8:15 PM

     Oooooh! The pictures really did it for me on this chapter! That airplane manip is beyond HAWT!! (Need to srsly explore the costs of private plane rental for the next vacay w/the Hubs!)  And the picture of the intertwined hands is just **heavy sign** toooo  lovely! Dayum - Edward's got some mad art skilz! Perhaps that's a  potential future job option..... not-so- Starving Artist! ;) Thanks for adding one more layer of deliciousness to this 'can't get enough of' story!! Now stop for a bit (JK) so I can focus for a bit on RL & watching my Mavs kick some OKC butt! ;)

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  81. More please...Thanks

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  82.  RssDemon is awesome if you have android. I can get chapter updates in "real time" now and not wait for them to FINALLY show up in my email or stalk the blog.

    Anyhoo, it seems Irina might be wearing a white hat after all. It seems like even though Edward has made some really bad decisions, he is in fact pretty intelligent. He managed to learn to read and write. Something "normal" people don't always accomplish, and he built his fortune (even though it was mostly illegal). You can't be dumb and be an arms dealer. Well, not for long anyway. Hopefully, he'll pick a career (maybe artist?) while in prison so he can be prepared when he gets out. He could become an artist while he does his time and sell his stuff and give the money to Bella so she can move to be near him and set everything up for them for when he gets out. 

    I love this story so you're stuck with me Baby. ;)

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  83. I give you my eternal love!, great chapters. Edward is growing so much. And yeah, I don't have the strength to stay away from you! Lol.

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  84. I like that Edward decided to draw something. It says a lot about what he wants. Something simple as well as something a little deeper, like love.
    Thanks. 

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  85. cullencougerwannabeMay 17, 2011 at 8:37 PM

     Right there with you! & just have to say - I love your 'Nom de plum'! ;)

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  86. I am glad you made Edward go to prison and pay for what he did. I know if I was raped or someone close to me was, I would want that person to pay for the crime. I know it's a fic and not RL but it's not because he's Edward is exonerated of everything! He's a man who did something terribly wrong (and I'm not even talking about all the people he killed and the weapon's trafficking). I'm happy with how the fic is developing and I'll read till the end!

    Thank you for writing.

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  87.  Did you draw the pic?

    My psychology degree is tingling - kinda like spidey sense, but not as useful.

    Therapy and Edward? Who'd of thunk?
    Well, you, of course. Very Savvy!

    xx

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  88. Seriously, your stories are my crack. I even reread Surviving Bella over the weekend! Your Edward is mutlidimensional and a very interesting character.Thanks so much! 

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  89. It IS hard to draw hands, especially in that sort of configuration and when you don't have a model (I presume he didn't get Seth to model for him, lol).  The boy has a talent we never suspected—interesting.  It can be hard to make a living as an artist, though.  Trust me, I know.  :-P

     And that manip was totally hot.  At least he has his dreams as a refuge (when they're the good kind, that is).  I'll be interested so see what more he tells Irina.  I'm sure she'll come to the same conclusions as Bella about his abandonment issues.

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  90. Guess I wasn't the only one having visions of E's dreams! *mwha*  Love the hands and how well that sums up where he'd be able to envision at this point.  Had to laugh at how you ended it and agree, in this case it really is warranted, eh?  ;D  

    Well. he can't buy a clue and magic doesn't work for fixing stuff like this (lol) so it looks like he may actually have to earn his clue for himself.  Yay!  It's gonna suck but I'd imagine be sooo worth it.  Laughing imagining him whining and griping the whole way through. 

    Wonder if Irina's knowing the particulars is going to be a benefit to him at some point, and wondering if Bella's going to go to college near there so she can visit regularly or something.  Wouldn't put it past her, but not sure how good for either of them it would be.

    Wouldn't mind him getting to finish his dream, though! LOL  >D   Isn't that just how life goes though... woken JUST as you get to the good part!

    Thanks for writing and sharing!!!

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  91. Many issues! It always comes back to the mother doesn't??

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  92. I am glad that Edward opened up and told Irina everything. It is hopeful that he finally has someone, who knows him,stands by him and able to help. The picture is a wonderful way for Edward to express his dream for the future. Love it! 

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  93. I really should know you better than this by now, but I'm constantly impressed by how seriously you're taking his crime AND his emotional neglect and abuse. It's not just another backdrop for you to imagine two people having sex in front of: you actually follow through on what really might happen in your scenarios, and I love that. Rock on, lady.

    greengrshppr

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  94. looks like they might get to the root of his problems

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  95. I love that picture you used for his homework. I can see him doing that and I wish he could show it to Bella. I know that contact from his side will probably not happen for a while but I can still hope ;) About the question, sometimes we do need cliche's. I really want him to get all that out so that he can see what his parents did was not right and IT DID have an effect on him. He keeps denying it and it's not helping.

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  96. I really love E's hand holding drawing, so symbolic. Unexpected. Maybe he'll find somethinge he likes about himself now. Just hope he doesn't really have to spend 8 years in prison to do it...  Hope B can come for a visit soon.

    Thanks for all your updates. Just caught up with you late last night/early this morning. I can tell just by the number of times I checked your blog today - This really is addictive. Ya'll aren't kidding!! *waves around at other reviewers* At least I'm not alone. <3

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  97. Edward will have to build up a whole new life for himself, so far he's never known anything remotely normal so he will have to start from total scratch. It will be a devastatingly hard process, but I believe Irina will be a great help and support. Perhaps, perhaps she could contact Bella for him at some point in the fututure, as he can't, just to let her know her letters have finally arrived....

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  98. Am I reading too much into the hand placing? Usually the smaller person..the person being looked after...their hand goes behind the other larger hand. It looks like the woman's hand is on top of the man's hand here. Is that why Irina is talking about his mother?
    Fantastic chapter as usual...I was so hoping we would see into the therapist sessions. I can't wait for the next chapter.

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  99. Nice chapter.  I loved the symbolism of the hands.  Poor Edward.  Gotta just love the guy no matter what.  Faults and all... 

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  100. oh his mom, the chick who left him first. 

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  101. Hi Savage..Just wanted to let you know that I'm still here and riding this wave of high intensity!! I haven't said too many words cause no sooner do I feel one thing than something else happens and I am feeling another. Im here for the long hal and nothing short of that!! I love this story as I love all your work!! You write with such passion that once you start there is no stopping!! I can't call him Doofus anymore though..it would be to disrespectful to him with where he is at and where he has come from and has gotten to!! I can't wait for more, but I'm always begging.Thank you!!  : - 0 )

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  102. i tried to keep hating u but it's hard .. coz i really loved this chapter .. sigh
    im so happy he's getting help .. LIKE SOOOOOO HAPPY 

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  103. So I am in LOVE with this story.  I am glad it is in Edwards POV, but hearing what Bella is going through is sort of pissing me off.  She is 18 for heavens sake.  Niave or not, I know an 18 year old would beg borrow and steal to get what they want.  She should be able to get there.  And when Rose deactivated the chip, did B not ask for help?  Also, the gang all said they would take all his money and give it to Bella for her trouble.  They have the money, what doesn't Bella.  Okay, I know they are criminals, but they believed in her cause.  I cannot imagine the girls taking their cut and sending B the rest.  She could bail at any time!

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  104.  Its all about slowing down the mind and thinking simple. We have made life too complicated and disconnected from ourselves and what is natural or nature. The simple stereotypical questions bring us back to reality. The mind is its own greatest coping machine. I personally have repressed and suppressed years of my life from the damage others have done. But I need to face those years in order to live. So does our fictional characters. That is why you wrote it this way. You get that even though it is annoying.

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  105. Just wanted to say your story if great.  I've read through all 92 chapters over the past two days.  Now that I've caught up I just want to tell you how much I enjoy ALL of your stories.  I adore your flawed Edwards.  This one has been particularly heartwrenching. I do hope he gets himself straightened out and I love that Bella "hasn't left him". I continue to anxiously await your updates. 

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  106. Edward is still so alone...it's heartbreaking. What hurts the most is that even now, when he finally gets help, it's not from someone who loves him, but from a state employee. And the thing that this man needs the most in his life is to be loved. That's what he's been needing all along...
    I guess that's what his drawing tells Irina, so it is natural for her to ask herself if his mother ever showed him love, and subsequently ask him about her.
    With a lot of patience, he will heal and become the man who can hold hands, without fear of being left.  
    That plane manip is beautiful, but it is so sad that all of it happens only in Edward's imagination...
    I wonder what Bella is up to...
    Thank you for spoiling us with so many daily updates, dear Shay! :)

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  107. will Bella come back in to this story? i mean will he see her again for real?, or is this about edward build his life make it better now:)
    just so i know

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  108.  Rehabilitation. That is a very positive direction to go and the most realistic outcome possible. Thanks! finally some light into the tunnel.

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  109. I love the fact Edward does seem like he is starting to open up about every thing. Even though the question that Irina asked Edward is as she said extremely cliche', it will open things up and get the ball rolling so to speak. 

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  110.  Ohhhhh Myyyyyy Sav.........this is the best evr!!!!!!!!!! We already saw hw difficult it was for Eddie 2 speak to Bella about his childhood.....i ant evn imagine hw hard it wil b 4 him 2 do so wit this total stranger. But i believ it wil b of excellent help for him 2 get it off his chest. He needs to be angry wit dem for that scar they left him wit. He nevr was angry at them n dats why he's so traumatized!!!! He sees wat they did as no big deal.......wen really n truly THAT WAS A BIG FCUKIN DEAL!!!!!!

    Sad, that he has 2 resort 2 this lonely kind of method 2 his self realization tho. During these times, its always gud 2 hav ppl around for comfort n love. Eddie has none of the aforementioned so that makes it so much harder for him. He may tink he has Bella but reality is dat she's soooooooooo FARRRR away!!! Not to b seen, smelt or evn heard!!!! 

    *reminds myself wile on da verge of tears* TINGS WIL WRK OUT JENICE........KEEP THE FAITH, THEY WILL. 

    PS...Shay, i'm nt goin anywhere until this story meets its end....MAYB EVN THEN!!!!! lol

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  111. ohhhh btw, jus wanted 2 add.................the sketch of the hands are soooooooooooooooo AMAZINGGGG!!!!!!! The airplane manip also...............all through the story, the manips have been AWEZZOME!!!!!!!

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  112.  For me Edward’s feelings and thoughts in this story are realistic, very well written and justify his actions. Bella is a young girl in a terrible situation, she got to know Edward during the ordeal and was affected by his care and his efforts to change for her and save her. She started to care for him and they fell in love. Edward’s decision to admit the rape and go to jail isn’t an unexpected turn to real-life drama, but a logical reaction to his realization of the reality of what he has done to the woman he loves. He has taken responsibility for his actions, because he understands that this is the way she will get justice. I think that the readers, who have bailed, expected that despite of the serious problems of the characters and their situation, the story would develop like most of the other fics and Edward and Bella will reach HEA in a more painless way, but the character development in this story is realistic and lead to the point, where the story is now.

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  113. Well, aren't I the lucky girl, who was too busy to get to read CBW,R? for the last few days and just picked up at chapter 81 & caught up to this, him getting some healing. Nice place to break, now I can sleep.;D  It's all about me. 
    I'm glad he's able to dream of them being together, it's a start.
    Oh yeah, I forgot to mention last chapter, how glad I was that he finally saw the light and got rid of that slippery slope thinking of the hamburger was there so why not & realized that this was all Tanya's fault, she is always to blame, her and all the other vegetarians. jk

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  114.  Yep, still here.  I always stick it out through your FFs.  I do agree with the comment that she could figure out a way there if she really wanted.  Her parents are not going to want to lose her again if she puts it to them as a don't make me choose scenario.  Of course, she has got to want him bad enough to back that up if it comes to it.  Just saying that if I were in her shoes, I would move heaven and earth for a weekly visit with my guy.  Even at 18, I had the determination to do what I needed to make it on my own. All about priorities.  Bella's priorities are obviously her parents while Edward's are Bella.  This is probably the only Edward/Bella fic I've read that I wouldn't mind if Edward moved on with someone else.  I'm usually most against it.  

    Good question about why the girls haven't given Bella some money.  I'll follow that with why she hasn't used it for a kickass defense attorney to appeal his case?!  

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  115. I'm certainly not going anywhere either...  Even though he has done bad things, I love Doofy and don't want him to be alone :(  So glad to see him open up to Irina, and I hope she helps him.  

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  116. just like to add this is taken from edward point of view we do not know what Bella going though, she has a job which i think she is use to get money to see him, plus she does not know what jail he is in, here in the UK we will only be able to find that out if you are family or next of kin, she is just send her letter of to a genarl place that is then send them to the jail he is in.
    she has told him to wright back let her know were he is, tell he does this and we know 100% that she know were his is we cant say she does not care.
    plus Alice may not have give her any money, if she think she going to ues it to help Edward get out they may keep it, she may not even be live at home any more we do not know please keep in mind she has told him she still there for him and that she love him and miss him, i feel she is work now to get a lawyer to help him, may be savag could do a one shout on bella point of veiw, but i think she is fighting for her man just does not know how
     

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  117. Loved both the manip and his drawing, it tells it all for him. Brilliant! 

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  118. That has me all choked up. Dude, LOVE the visuals.

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  119. Still here, still loving this.

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  120. Hm, he talked to the counselor about killing a dozen people. That wasn't mentioned during the trial. Did he just confess to something?  

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  121.  Unresolved grief is often a common denominator in poor behavior choices...
    Sigh

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  122. wow a picture was worth a thousand words. Great chapter. 

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  123. omg,  that is just too sweet.  and sad. 
    bath, please?

    I really, really want to stop crying today 

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  124. He is talented!  And those fingers are definitely worth drawing!  

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  125.  Hey, has eight years gone by yet, lol.  Poor Edward, but I understand he really needs this, and it will help him to communicate with Bella better in the future and figure out WHAT kind of future he wants.  I really cant wait to see where the sotry goes and I hope Irina can be of GREAT aid to my poor Eddie. :)

    Till next time

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  126. I love the picture of theintertwined hands... For sure counselors like me can see alot of things into that oneimage

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  127. it's so good that irina is encouraging him about his drawing. and it's great that he is able to talk to someone regardless if it's an impersonal cousellor. i'm so glad that he has those letters from bella to help get him through and giving him hope that ..no ..she hasn't left him at all. but i still feel so sad for him. 

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  128. My heart is just breaking for Edward. His vison for where he sees himself a year after parole is just beautiful. 

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  129. Did he tell her EVERYTHING, including Aro and the elimination of his organization? That might last him in jail for even longer for the murders. The idea of justice is messed up in this country - kill the bad guys and still go to jail for murder. -.-

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  130. I'm not sure what to say.. So here's.... "something" :|

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  131. In this case...tell me about your mother.......might actaully be relevant!!!

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  132. Well, maybe we have an idea about how Edward will make an honest living once he gets out. Irina is going to go all out on Edward and thanks to Bella having broken the ground, I think Edward may be ready to really understand things a bit better.

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  133. That picture made my cry! So heartbreaking! I'm still hoping for that HEA...

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  134. It's about time he gets some counseling.  It's a shame it has to be in jail. 

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  135. Love the drawing and the visual. Really brings the story to life and creates the movie in my mind.

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  136. I really should know you better than this by now, but I'm constantly impressed by how seriously you're taking his crime AND his emotional neglect and abuse. It's not just another backdrop for you to imagine two people having sex in front of: you actually follow through on what really might happen in your scenarios, and I love that. Rock on, lady.

    greengrshppr

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  137. I love that Edward is getting some guidence. Nice slip of lemony goodness love it. Waiting on the edge of my seat for more!

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  138. it always goes back to mommy doesn't it. we are all still here...we love you girl.

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  139. It sure looks like it says Shay or Savage.

    Don't tell me. You can draw, too? Goodness, what can't you do woman?

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  140. Great chapter, yes it all goes back to the dead beat Mom and lack of affection he received as a child. It is as simple as holding hands to so affection.

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  141. Shay, I'm kind of embarrassed to say this but here I am again, third time around and not ashamed to admit how much I loved and still love this story, as difficult as it is to read at times. I like the manips you've added so I thank lolypop82 for her talent. Edward continues to break my heart.

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