CBWR? Chapter 96

Author’s notes:

Hang on tight. 

Get the tissues. 

Faith.

Trust.

You made it this far.

My finger brushed the edge of the trigger.

 ____________________________________

Chapter 96:

I didn’t even know it was Christmas Eve until people started going on about how dinner was going to be catered in from some charity or another.  Turkey and all the trimmings.  The idea made my stomach turn.  I went to dinner anyway, had some sweet potatoes and Seth handed me his roll in exchange for my turkey and stuffing.  Some new guy – Embry – sat with us.  He was just about as big as Seth, and Seth said he was “grooming him” to watch out for me when he was gone.  He seemed to think that phrase was pretty fucking funny, and laughed every time he said it.

We had free time for the rest of the day, so I went back to my cell to grab my smokes and head outside.  There was a letter sitting on my bed that hadn’t been there before.  I reached out, turned it over and saw the Washington postage cancelation.  I opened it slowly.

Edward,

I guess I have given up.  I should have listened to everyone else all along.  You have been getting my letters – I got the registered letter card back from the last one, and it was signed by the warden at the penitentiary.  You obviously aren’t writing me back, and I can only assume that means you don’t want to hear from me.

I’m sorry about everything, but I have to start moving on.

Bella

My stomach clenched so hard, I doubled over – fighting to keep what I had just eaten in my stomach. 

She didn’t sign it “love.”  She wasn’t writing again.  How long ago did she send this?  I flipped it over, and saw it was dated four weeks ago – about one week after I had sent her mine.

How could I have been so, so fucking stupid?

Two years, and I never wrote her.  Not even a fucking card on her birthday.  Nothing.  I did nothing.

I waited too long.

I dropped to my knees on the floor.  My breathing was coming way too fast, and my heart felt like it was trying to jump right out of my chest.  I could barely stand, and I was definitely in danger of just passing out. 

Two years.

Two fucking years.

 I needed to see Irina.

I pushed myself off the floor and went as quickly as I could to her office, not even sure if she would still be there.  When I walked past the infirmary, I couldn’t believe how many people were in there – inmates and guards alike.  Even the guard that usually stood at the door to Irina’s office was inside, trying to herd prisoners and bedpans.

People were puking everywhere. 

I mean everywhere.

I heard the words “food poisoning” and “salmonella” being thrown around.

I walked a step into the room, looking around at the chaos of people throwing up, rolling around on the overfilled cots and chairs, screaming that they were dying, or that they needed to go to the hospital, and the guards trying to keep some kind of order while they themselves were turning green and clutching their stomachs.  I looked around to see if Irina was there, but she wasn’t.  I could see the door to her office from where I was, and it was open, but no one was inside.

That’s when I saw it, and everything became crystal fucking clear.

The guard had his back to me.  His Beretta was unclipped from its holster and just a couple of feet away from me.

A guy puked on his shoes right about then, and he didn’t even notice when I lifted it.

The cool metal felt good in my hands, like it was supposed to be there, like it had purpose. 

I backed up slowly, making sure I didn’t draw attention to myself.  I slipped into Irina’s office and shut the door, and then I pushed the desk up against it, wedging it tight.  I dropped down to the floor in the back corner of the room, the gun held tight in my hands, even though they were still shaking.

I had nothing.  My businesses were gone – taken over by Emmett and Alice or just folded up because of where I was.  I had learned just enough between the time all of this started and now to know that buying shit was never, ever going to mean anything to me again anyway.  I also know there was only one thing…one person…who meant anything at all to me. 

And she was gone now, too.

I leaned forward, tipping the barrel of the gun up towards the ceiling and resting my chin on top of it.  I was so fucking tired.  I was tired of trying to pretend I could get better.  I was tired of trying to think I could pick of the pieces of my shattered, so-called life.  I was tired of trying to think and believe that there was any reason for me to continue.

There was banging on the door, but I barely heard it.  People were yelling my name, yelling for the warden, yelling for Irina.  I glanced up at the camera in the corner of the office and sighed.  My whole body felt cold, and there was pressure in my head and behind my eyes.  It hurt, and I was so fucking tired of hurting.

But I didn’t hurt like she had.  Hospitals, money, her dad…

I heard a strange, unfamiliar sound from my throat.

The racket outside the door continued.  I heard different voices, then they went away, and there were new ones again.  The phone rang, but I didn’t answer it.  People started talking to me through the doorway, but I didn’t listen to what they were saying.

The noise of the door shattering right off its hinges made me jump a little, but I didn’t look up.  I closed my eyes and felt the sharp point of the barrel dig deeper into my jaw.  I tilted my head forward slightly, and when I licked my lips I could taste the black metal on my tongue.  I closed my eyes even tighter.  My finger brushed the edge of the trigger.

 “Give me the gun, Edward,” she said.

The sweetest, most incredible sound in the entire world.

My eyes opened, and I saw dusty black and white converse shoes near my feet.

“Please, Edward,” Bella whispered.  “Please give it to me.”

My throat seized up, and I could feel tears pouring down my face at her hushed words.  All this time, and I had never cried, not once.   Not for her, not for me – not for anyone. 

“There’s no…no…reason…” I choked out, but I couldn’t finish my thought or my sentence.

“Give it to me,” she repeated, and I opened my eyes enough to see her crouch down in front of me.  “Please?”

My hands were shaking again, and all I could do was choke out barely intelligible syllables at her.

“I’m sorry!  I’m sorry!  I wanted to write you – I swear I did.  I wanted to so much, and I didn’t know what I should do…please…I’m sorry, Bella…I’m sorry!  I’m sorry!”

“Shh…”

I watched her hand wrap around the barrel, and my fingers loosened.  She pulled the weapon out of my hand and away from me.  It felt like my body was trying to collapse in on itself.  My eyes ached in a way I had never felt before, and I couldn’t stop the tears from falling out of them.

“Not yet…give her a minute first.  It will be better.”  I heard Irina’s soft voice near the door.

Bella reached up her hand and put the gun on top of the desk.  Another hand grabbed it away, but I had no idea whose it was.  I didn’t know anything at that moment, because that was when she touched me.

And my world shifted on its axis, tilted, spun, whirled around until its direction was true, straight, and certain.  Everything else felt like it just melted away in that moment – the prison, what I had done to her, what I had done to us – it all evaporated as her hand reached up and ran over the side of my face.

Her scent enveloped me, her breath caressed me, and her skin called me home.  I felt her arm around my shoulders as she pulled my head to her chest.  I wrapped my arms around her back, and she pulled me even tighter against her.

“I’m so, so sorry,” I cried into her T-shirt.  Knowing that timing meant nothing, and that whatever needed to be said had to be said now, I finally uttered the words that had scared me more than anything else in the world ever had.

“I love you!  I always did…I should have told you!  I love you!  I love you!”

“It’s all right, Edward…it’s all right…I’m here now,” I felt her lips against the top of my head.  “I love you too, Edward.  I should have told you, too.  I never stopped loving you…never.”

I wanted to ask her the how and the why of her being here, but I was afraid I would break whatever spell I was under.  Maybe it was too late – maybe I had pulled the trigger, and by the grace of whatever God there is, I had been brought to heaven…

I had atoned for my sins, right?

_____________________________

Chapter end notes:

Suspend your disbelief, people!  If canon Bella can run across a fountain through a crowd of people just before Edward walks into the sun, the prison counselor can keep the guards at bay while a prisoner with a gun gets comforted by his girl!

Um…still more realistic than a hybrid baby?

Oh fine!

Artistic license!!

You’ll get the explanation of how she got there and all that in the next chapter, coming tomorrow.