Wednesday, May 18, 2011

CBWR? Chapter 94

Author’s notes:
Loving the chatter on twitter and on the twilighted forum!  You guys come up with a bunch of awesome ideas and theories!  It keeps me on my toes!
For those who wondered - no, I did not draw the hands - just found the pic on google. I never could draw hands - LOL
“Forget about me.”
 ____________________________
Chapter 94:
I tried not to look at Irina’s face as she read the letters Bella sent to me.  I didn’t know what she would think, or what she would say, and the whole damn thing made me nervous as hell.
“Edward, our session is almost up,” she finally said.  I still didn’t look up.  “May I hold on to these?”
“No!”  I looked up at her then, nearly jumped out of my chair and grabbed for the ones sitting on her desk.  She held one hand up in surrender mode, and the other held out Bella’s letter.  I grabbed it away from her, and sat back down, holding them tightly in my hands.
The door slammed open behind me, and the guard who monitors the cameras put his hand on my shoulder, held me against the back of the chair, and asked if there was a problem.  Irina just shook her head no, and told him everything was fine.  He looked down at me.
“You gonna behave yourself, Cullen?” he asked.
“Yeah, sure,” I responded.
He left after getting more reassurance from Irina, and she took a deep breath, letting it out slowly.
“They must be pretty important to you,” she commented.
I didn’t see any reason to respond, so I didn’t.  Our session ended, and I went back to my normal routine.  Smoke, eat a little, try to sleep, wake, smoke, do it all again.
“Do you want to talk about the letters?”
It was the first thing she said after hello.
“What’s to say?” I asked.
“You said you didn’t receive the first one until you had been here for some time,” she said.  “What were you thinking about Bella before you saw it?”
“I wasn’t.”
“You weren’t what?”
“Thinking.”
“How about after you received it?” she pressed.
I scratched the back of my neck and fiddled with my hair.
“I guess I was glad she was okay,” I said.  Irina didn’t respond, which usually meant she was going to just sit there until I said something else.  I sighed and took a breath.  “I was relieved, at first.  Then I was just…I don’t know…I guess I thought she had forgotten about me.”
“Do you think Bella could forget about you?  You both went through a lot together.”
“Yeah.”  More silence from the other side of the desk.  “I wish she could.”
“Could what?”
“Forget about me.”
“Why do you want that?”
“Because if she did, she’d forget all the other shit, too.  She said she was in therapy or whatever, and I didn’t want her to have to…live through all of that again and again.  If she forgot me, she’d be…better off.”
“The letters you have received from her are obviously very important to you, considering your reaction to parting with them last week.  It is your connection not only to Bella, but to the outside world as a whole.   You’re holding on to them like some kind of lifeline.”
“She is my life,” I said quietly.
“She is thousands of miles away without the financial means to see you,” Irina pointed out.  “I don’t know what the detail of her therapy contains, but I’m not surprised she has been advised not to contact you.”
“Why not?”
“Because at some point, you both need to heal,” she said.  “What have you said in letters back to her?”
I shrugged, and I felt a chill go up my spine.
“Edward, you don’t have to tell me, but I think it might help.”
“I haven’t sent her any,” I admitted.
“You haven’t responded to her at all?  In a year and a half?”
I shook my head.
“Why not?”
“I don’t know what to say to her.”
The silence led to pen tapping this time.
“Have you received any other letters or visitors since you arrived?”
“No,” I said.  I wasn’t going to count the visit from Alice.
“Would you like to?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean there are a lot of programs available here where people from the outside – usually church groups – write to inmates.  It’s kind of a pen-pal program, if you will.  You could be signed up to receive letters from these kids of groups.  It can help to have that kind of contact with others.”
“No,” I said without really thinking about it.
“Edward, a large part of your problem has to do with connecting to people,” she said.  Yeah, yeah, I’d heard this since I first talked about my childhood.  “You don’t have any relationships with other inmates except for Seth, who will be out in six months.  You don’t have any one contacting you outside of your victim.  You need to learn how to deal with people if you are ever going to get to the point where you want to be.”
I didn’t respond this time – I didn’t know what to say.  After a minute, Irina opened up one of her desk drawers and placed a green, cellophane wrapped something on the desk in front of me.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a veggie wrap,” she responded.  “I brought it for lunch, but I wasn’t hungry enough to eat it.  Would you like it?”
Damn if my stomach didn’t growl right about then.  Lunch had been non-existent.  I looked over to see Irina smiling a little, like she was trying to hold it in.  I closed my eyes and shook my head, then reached over and opened the damn thing up.  It was actually really good.
“Fine,” I told her when I was done with it.  “I’ll be a fucking pen-pal.”
“Have you thought anymore about getting your GED?” Irina asked.
We had talked about it a few times, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to or not.  She kept asking me about it, though, and I finally asked what the point of it would be.
“Part of being able to lead a normal life includes getting a job,” she said.  “Without a GED, and with your background, how are you going to do that?”
I sighed and sat back.
“I did run a legitimate company,” I finally said.
“Which has since dissolved,” she reminded me.
“I still ran it – that’s kind of a resume, isn’t it?”
She tilted her head and raised her eyebrows. 
“Fine,” I relented.  “I’ll do it.”
I passed on the first try.
Sessions with Irina were the only thing I actually looked forward to in the entire week.  It both made the other six days go slower and faster at the same time.  I swear to God, that woman had talked me into doing a hundred things I never would have considered, including petitioning for vegetarian options on the prison menu.  I had yet to be successful, but she hadn’t let me give up yet.  There was only one thing she hadn’t talked me into, and that was writing any letters.
“Did you get a letter this week?” she asked.
“Yeah,” I responded.
“From?”
“Pastor Lee,” I told her.
“That’s the third one from him, correct?”
“Yeah.”
“Have you written back yet?”
“I started to,” I told her.
“It’s not a pen-pal program if you don’t write back,” she reminded me…again. 
“I don’t know what to say.”
“This all goes back to connecting with people, Edward,” she said.  “You don’t have to have some kind of phenomenal insight to share in order to just respond to someone.  Just try writing what you did all day, or what you might like to do when you get out.”
“Yeah, that would be all kind of interesting,” I snorted.  Set sarcasm to kill.
“It doesn’t have to be interesting,” she said…again.  “Talk about the weather.  Talk about the food.  Talk about Seth, current events – anything.”
“Every time I say something it’s wrong,” I told her.  “If…if I piss him off…I mean, I’m not religious or anything.  If I piss him off with something I say…he might…”
I trailed off.
“He might what?” she prompted.
“Stop writing to me.”
I glanced up at her, feeling the tightness in my chest now that I had admitted the reason.  My hands were starting the shake, and I placed one of them over my pocket – trying to get some contact with Bella’s letters that lived there.  The same six had been in there for two months now.
“You haven’t received any more letters from Bella, have you?”
“Not since that last one.”  I swallowed hard, trying to keep my voice in check.
Since the first one I had received, I had gotten at least one from her every month.  The last one I received had been over two months ago, and the tone of it had changed drastically.  I still kept it in my pocket, but I never read it again.
“You still haven’t written to her.”
“No.”  I put my hands back on my thighs and stared at them.  “I still don’t know what to say.”
Pen tapping.  There was a lot of that going on recently.
“Do you want me to help you write it?”
I swallowed again – hard.  My hands clenched and unclenched, and I cleared my throat before speaking again.
“Would you?”
“I would be happy to.”
It couldn’t be that hard, right?
 __________________________
Chapter end notes:
Bella’s letter will be in the next chapter – promise.
A work about timeline – yes, we have jumped ahead a bit.  Edward is approaching the second anniversary of his incarceration.  He is making a bit of progress, don’t cha think?
There may be another update tonight – we’ll see.

106 comments:

  1. He's afraid that making the connection will result in the person leaving...so sad.

    YES...write to BELLA!!!

    And get some veggies... 

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  2. God, he makes me so sad. But yes, he is making progress.

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  3. Irina is a saint. Period.
    I like that she is making him connect to others and fill his existence with some sort of reason and purpose.
    I love that she is helping him write to Bella. I think if he makes it through writing that one letter, he won't be able to stop after.
    I wonder what her last letter said, why it was so drastically different in tone. Maybe she let her anger out at him not writing her back.

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  4. That is the crux of his whole problem.  What if he writes and doesn't say the right thing and Bella doesn't write back.  He is so lost!  God, I can't believe you have us all in Edward's - the sex slave buyer - corner.  That I've been here for a while, but nice turn-around since this story began. 

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  5. My heart's breaking for him... He's so used to being left behind, that he thinks everyone will just abandon him if he so much as says the wrong thing.  :( Oh doofus...

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  6. Wow, why cant he write her back? Gulit? Or what? He loves her so why? He needs to heal so much and so does Bella. Wondering is this where u always though the story would take you?

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  7. Seth is getting out? Who is going to protect Edward?

    He better write Bella before she starts to forget him. Thank goodness for Irina.

    Roshambo

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  8.  I hope there is another update today! 

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  9.  It just kills me how afraid he is, that he feels so inadequate even his pastor pen pal will abandon him because he can't say the right things.  I can't wait to see what he writes to Bella, though I am a bit afraid to know what she wrote to him that was so different in tone.
    Can't wait for the next chapter!

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  10. TWO YEARS and he's not written her once. Wow thats really fucked up. I would be so hurt about that and super angry if I were Bella. I have a feeling that's kind of what her letter said but I'm probably wrong. I can't see this ending well... :( I thought u said UP HILL!! Lol

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  11. Savage, you ask for trust and promise HEA.  For us, the readers, that generally means Bella and Edward together.  In Hide and Drink and Surviving bella, there was angst, there was doubt, but in the end, your characterization of Bella always came through as a steadfast unwavering young woman, determined and strong in her love for him, regardless of age.  The Bella in hide and drink ws the same age as the one in this story, and she stuck by him.  It sounds as though you are about to have her bail on him, at least in the end, or finish the story without them being together, but each healed.

    I trust your stories to be grief and turmoil and angst and heartbreak, but always with love winning out in the end.  real life has been so very harsh to me, I only read stories where the two of them are together happily in the end, strong in their love for each other.

    Please don't disappoint, or if for some reason you need this story to be different, please pm me.  I will tell no one, but my heart can not stand another break - and I am that invested in your story.

    Thanks, Victoria
    vickisan, fanfiction

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  12. It looks to me as if Irina is going to be his savior of sorts. She is helping do things, get things. My guess Bella's letter isn't a very nice one. Maybe telling him she is moving on? I can't see her saying it though. Maybe she bitched his ass out. I am curious to see. He loves her so much, even after all this time. He is sacrificing himself for. 

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  13. I'm not one to usually beg, but PLEASE update tonight! I totes understand you have RL and all, but PLEASE!!! :) Ok, I'm done...

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  14. So he finally is going rowdies her. I'm not surprised her last letter would have a different tone. She thinks the one she loves doesn't love her anymore.

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  15. you know, I'm so greatful for irina that even going to jail sound worth it. hse is really trying to help him so I love her. I wish I could write her telling how thankful I am. I'm so glad she'll help edward in his letter to bella. she must be wondering if he's not recieving her letters because he didn't write her back. I hope her thrapist is as good as irina. 

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  16. u made me cry again .. it's breaking my heart for Edward .. i sure see progress in him .. and i really want him to write her back .. i want him to send her a ticket so she can fly and see him.. i want to hold him so bad
    like hold him and tell him everything's gonna be ok and that Bella will never leave him or give up on him
    he's got a LONG way to go 

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  17. :( I thought things were going to go uphill now? Sounds like Bella has bailed. So glad that Edward is getting the help he needs and that Irina really is trying her damndest to help him.  My poor heart breaks that he can't even write a letter to his pen pal. Maybe its better if he forgets about Bella so he can move on in his life.

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  18. I'm interested to see what he's going to say to Bella.  Edward is like a lost child. He is a very sad soul.  I just want to hug him and tell him it will be all right....I'm crazy to feel that way, right?

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  19. are you .........are you like sad or depress or......angry? because this is getting soooo depressing!!!!!!!!, poor guy can even writte a fucking letter with out thinking the other person will abandom him, and the one person that show him she will not...........stop writting him. what else you want him to go through..........guys raping him in jail?, give him a break, or give us a break. Now this conection to irina...........is getting me worried 

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  20. Write Bella, glad Irina didn't discourage. He is making progress, but he does need to think more than Bella to be able to function once he gets out. I also hope Bella hasn't lost hope with him since she has now stopped writing.

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  21. If he doesn't do something about his fear of rejection soon, and doesn't tell Bella he hasn't given up on her either, she'll have moved on when he's out of prison.  How hard is it to just tell her he's thinking of her too? For a guy so smart, he's so retarded emotionally, it's downright frightening...it's like he's a little child, afraid mommy will punish him if he asks for something...
    Come on, he passed the GED from the first try, surely he can take that next step and learn to communicate with people...
    I'm afraid of Bella's letter...what if she says she's been ignored enough and will stop writing to him? She hasn't written anything in two months, so I'm pretty much sure that must be it...
    Please let it not be to late when he finally sends the letter Irina will help him write...
    Without Bella, I don't see him capable of having any kind of life outside of prison right now. And maybe that's his first problem. He must learn to deal with life the right way on his own, and not reduce it to the person he idolizes. Only when he's strong enough to be on his own, will he have enough strength to make it in a relationship with Bella...well with anyone for that matter.
    Thanks for the quick update, Shay! This is a fascinating story...

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  22. I feel so bad for big sexy Con-ward! I just want to grab him and kiss the hell outta him! Im really looking forward to here what Bella's letter said. 

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  23. TwilightmomoftwoMay 18, 2011 at 10:33 AM

    I am still hoping for a happy ending that brings E and B back together. He's slowly opening up to Irina, and telling her how he's really feeling. She is correct in her assessment that he needs to learn how to form relationships. The fear of abandonment is holding him back and won't let him even try. Bella's acceptance of him was a god-sent but he is going to lose that too unless he writes back to her. I'm interested to see what her last letter said. I hope she is not giving up on him.
    Thanks for writing.  

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  24. I need to see Bella's letter. I can understand her "change in tone." She's been writing to him for almost two years...and has heard nothing from him. She's probably driven Charlie and Renee mad with accusations of letter stealing and mail tampering. She is doubting him. Sure, she told him that she would never leave him, but she has to feel abandoned.

    He needs to write her and either give them both some closure by ending it (please...no) or write her and tell her SOMETHING. That he is sorry. That he appreciates each and every word she has written. That he is getting help for his "issues." That he plead guilty because he is guilty and he wants to pay his dues. That he thinks of her each and every day. That he wants to be a better man. That he wants to be worthy of love...her love, because he's never loved anyone or anything more than he loves her. (okay maybe not the last part) :)  Irina will help him figure out the right words.

    I love Irina. She's a saint. Please keep her that way ;)

    Thanks for writing...love it, so much.

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  25. How has the tone of her letters changed? Is she giving up? She has to feel at this point that he doesn't care.  

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  26. Edward is def making progress! He's so sweet really and sad....afraid to write back and say the wrong thing and then the pen pal (or Bella) won't write him again. They'll leave him again. Like everyone does. Poor baby. Can't wait to see what Bella wrote in her last letter.

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  27.  Did Bella give up on him? I wouldn't blame her if she did, he DID never write back. his abandonment issues are so deep, he's sweating about some random pastor "leaving" him *shakes head*. Yeah, Irina still has a lot of work with him. 

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  28.  I did it, I read it .... and I'm kinda hating you ;)  Make this right and soon, or else ...

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  29. It amazes me that even without all the action and hiding, that this story is STILL so captivating.  You have written Edwards tics, habits, and thoughts so well that I feel like he is sitting in front of me.  I can see the whole scene happening in my head.  With a lot of fics, the moment the action is over, I just want to speed through the rest of the "down-time" chapters until it starts getting good again.  With this story I feel myself hanging on to every word.  BLESS YOU SAVAGE, for giving me something to have as an "escape" from my every day routine!

    Don't tell my kids that I said that...

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  30. :( SO SAD no more sad stuff, 

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  31. It's very sad thY he is afraid to write the pastor back because he is scared he won't write to him again, he had some major issues going on. Poor Doofus! He is not the tough take charge guy anymore. Makes me want to hug him. A letter to Bella? Would love to read that and would love to read her reactions and thoughts when she gets it. Maybe a BPOV? Thanks for the update!

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  32. Loving Irina for pushing him to do things. If it was like that in RL some of these guys may have a chance. It must be torture for Bella wondering how he is and wondering if he got her letters!

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  33.  He is such a controversial guy, tough while so afraid and scared at the same time. He has built such a strong shield around him and he is terrified it may brake. Edward has faced rejection too many times to keep track through his life, it's understandable he doesn't want to experience it anymore. I truly think he needs to take this leap. If he does, he will be in the right path to heal.
    Irina has been amazing and her offering to write is a magnificent idea. Can't wait to see that letter, and Bella's of course.

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  34.  I think he is doing well.....and I think it might help Edward & Bella if hse heard from him. She probably still cares, you know he does.

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  35. He is so scared of being rejected even by people he doesn't know like the pastor. So he feels even more insecure writing to Bella...where is going to send it the library maybe?  Yes he is making progress and Irina is correct in him needing to learn how to deal with people   Good chapter! 

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  36. Oh Doofus... my heart keeps breaking.. how many more pieces... I'm glad he found Irina..

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  37. I just pray to god or whatever higher being out there that you won't make Bella move on from Edward and abandon him, because it's the "only way she will heal".  I really fear what would that do to him. Poor Doofus, I still root and hope for the HEA.

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  38. Just wanted to say that I think you are doing a FUCKAWESOME job with this story! I haven't been so invested in a Fic in a long time. Every chapter brings out a new emotion in the reader. The reader  FEELS every high and low this Edward goes through. Your descriptions of him and what he's doing or going through make it so easy to visualize every moment. I literally can't wait for your updates! 

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  39. God. I'm crying at work. he is so much like a scared little boy

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  40. New Moon gives me hope she'll understand and won't have given up on him. Her letter might be saying something around the lines of "you may have forgotten me... but I've not moved on from you... I'll always be waiting but I can't write anymore... it's too difficult .. " or... this isn't Bella in the sense that she has no other similar qualities to the "real" Bella, besides looks and gives up on him. I doubt that, since she forgave him earlier.
    See, he's not an idiot. Passed the GED in one try. He's just so sheltered. He's no doofus.

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  41. He was afraid to write because he was afraid of saying the wrong thing and her leaving him... not writing to him again. Amazing insight, revelation he got there. Brilliant... never thought of that. It was breaking my heart the thought of her not writing to him anymore... of Edward being left behind again. Thank-you for having Irina help him. Hope he includes a drawing. Thanks for all the updates since he has been in prison. Hope Edward  gets his letter written tonight? Please and thank-you again.

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  42. I am still waiting for the uphill. These chapters have me so depress that I keep crying well after I am done reading and reviewing. Poor Doofus saw a veggie wrap and it was like he saw gold; that broke my heart into tiny little pieces.

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  43. I think I'm going to go have a little cry for Edward and send him lots of hugs from me please.  Is it weird that i can identify with him? 

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  44. Oh I really don't want to hear what Bella wrote in her last letter ... it would be heart braking... the fact that it could have been the last. How about her next letter that she writes after she receives Edward's letter... that ought to be more positive and heart warming even uplifting, right? I want to hear that one. 

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  45. WTF is in Bella's last letter??? I hope you post that today, please????? Based on him saying it takes a different tone, I'm scared it pretty much says she hasn't heard from him and is giving up and moving on with her life! That would really suck... JS. Edward's been abandoned enough in his life. He doesn't need the one person he's given up everything for (not to keep her but because he loves her) to abandon him too.

    And I feel so bad for Edward. He feels so unworthy and fearful of being abandoned or having others reject him. He can't even write a letter to someone he doesn't even know because he's scared he'll say the wrong thing and be "abandoned" again. No wonder he hasn't written Bella! He treasurers her letters so much that he's afraid if he writes her back and says the wrong thing he'll no longer get letters from her. How sad! If he's ready to write her there's got to be something in her last letter where he no longer feels writing to her is a risk. One of those "she's not writing to me anyway" so what could one letter hurt?


    Savage, you know I love you but I have to admit, I am really struggling with this story. You always end up with an ExB HEA (even in SB and I wasn't sure that would be possible once they were rescued) but this one is so much more evolved in terms of the emotional development of the characters that I don't know how you're going to get a HEA where they are together. It's like any personal growth they make is logically going to push them apart. I can see him writing to her and I can see Bella forgiving him as part of their healing, but to have a "normal", functioning romantic relationship between them??? If you can realistically pull that off, you're a writing magician.

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  46. :( savage please tell me if bella and edward see each other again:( real want to know if if this has move to edward become a better without bella person story or will she be back in the story soon,

    how soon if yes how many more chapter till then dont like sad alone edward just want to jump in the story and give him a hug.  you wright skill are real good as i have been real sad and cry over the last few days, all becouse of this story i know i will get happer when he is, and show sing of be real true happy.

    oh god i sound so sad fell like start on of those thing were people sing there name on it you know like GET EDWARD OUT OF JAIL NOW! sing below if you agree lol i turn on to a cary person

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  47. I adore Irina.  My heart continues to bleed for Edward, and Bella, wherever she is.  I'm afraid to read Bella's letter, but whatever it is, I guess I need to read it, right?  I hope he writes to Bella.

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  48. I know what this is like...
    It's like watching a train wreck!!!

    You're devastated by the trauma and despair but you're too entranced to look away!

    That's how I feel reading these chapters. Each one makes me cry and Edward almost seems more desperate for love in every chapter. Each update is actually painful but I just can't quit looking for the next chapter post!!!

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  49. Why Edward has not received more letters from Bella? And Seth will go free in six months? Edward is going to be alone there?  o_O

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  50. I've started the petition for vegaterian meals in the pokey....

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  51. God, I just want to give Edward a big hug and tell  him he is a good person under all that stuff he is carrying around. He is worthy. Can't wait to find out what "tone" was in Bella's letter that was different.  

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  52. No matter how much good is happening, he's still in a jacked up situation.  I hope good things do come to him at some point. 

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  53. Last comment... (on this chapter)...
    Someone asked about rape and the punishment in the US. This is set at the state level. In 4 states, the age of consent is 18 which means if Edward and Bella were in California when she gave him that blow job, he was in fact guilty of statutory rape. However, the punishment in those 4 states is mild compared to others... California would be 1-4 years incarceration for that offense. If Edward and Bella had been on Texas (where the age of consent is 17), it would not be statutory rape and if bella said the blow job was consensual, it wouldn't be rape. However, if the district attorney felt like Bella had been taken against her will and was forced to give the blow job in fear of her life... They could easily pursue a charge if sexual assault which is a 2nd degree felony and punishable by 2-20 years in prison. In other words, the don't have to take bella's word that it was consensual and in this story, there are enough factors in play that I have no doubt the prosecutor would have made a SA charge stick.

    Savage played her hand very well with this, especially where she's going with character development. She could have gone with human trafficking which carries a much higher penalty than sexual assault. However, all of his other indiscretions could have been worse legally but they would not have had the same importance or meaning for this story. His unintentional violation of Bella is very key to this story... His rape in prison (as pissed and horrified as I am about that) is also paramount to the plot. Edward has experienced a small part of what Bella did all because he wanted a virgin brunette that didn't cry too much!

    Okay, I'm done ranting and researching now... Hurry YP and post the chappie with the letter miss Shay!

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  54. I love this story and can't wait for more ;)

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  55. Okay, it's official now, I love Irina. She has to be one of the most awesome counslors ever. Getting Edward to do things he probably would have never done in a million years. And look how smart he really is. Passing the GED on first try. Too bad his self esteem is in the basement. Still feeling like he will always be abandoned. (Even by pastor pen-pals). Still amazing to me how addicting your stories always are. Your writing is like an addicting drug. We always have to have more and more..Scary when I have to almost remind myself this is a fictional story..

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  56.  I'd like to get a few things straight right away.
    1. I don't generally read het. Not got anything against it, just doesn't grab me. Clear?
    2. If I do read het, I don't generally read ExB. Dull dull dull. Got that?
    3. I most definitely don't read stories that don't have lots and lots of smut. No point. Are you getting my drift?
    4. I just read all 94 chapters in less than 24 hours. I think I need psychiatric help.
    5. I'm now going to hold my breath until you update and if I die it's all your fault.
    Well I'm glad I got that out of my system.
    <3

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  57. oh man how we take shit like that for granted social life me and you him and her dang :'(

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  58. Wah! Sniff! He's even afraid his penpal will 'leave' him. It's so sad. It's pathetic.
    I really like Irina and I'm glad E finally has someone who wants to help him & seems to care.
    Curious about Bella's letter of course. She was so young when she was with Edward, still at High School. Now that she's a couple of years older, making new friends at college, has she grown out of what she maybe thinks of as a schoolgirl crush on Edward? Or is she angry because she's never heard from him or just plain angry? I don't know. Have my hankie ready though.
    Sorry I don't get to comment every chapter. Living in europe updates often come when I'm at work or asleep. Doesn't mean I don't value & appreciate every word.

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  59. Wow, and I thought I had abandonment issues!  This poor guy is so socially inept, and closed up, it makes me cry!  I think it is excellent that he trusts Irina and is following her advice.  God, I hope you don't have her transferred out or something....he really needs her! 

    Looking forward to reading the letter to Bella......

    xoSus 

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  60.  i love all the twists in your story, I wasn't expecting Edward to be someone I could sympathizes with, or for Bella to try and understand him, or for him to go to jail, or for her to write to him. I love how you took two (slightly predictable) characters and changed all my expectations. 

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  61. sneaky  with getting him to eat lunch.

    I am just fascinated with where you are taking this, as it is far deeper than I could have imagined.

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  62. Gee, this just makes me want to find some poor unfortunate soul in prison to write to. I can understand how Bella's "tone" may have changed during the course of almost two years. She's probably feeling like he has left her instead of the her leaving him. I can also understand how Edward may be afraid of saying the wrong thing but damn, how can he expect her to try to hold it together on her own with no input from him whatsoever. She doesn't even know if he wants her to keep writing. Hopefully Irina is being genuine in helping him and will get him on the right track. What's interesting is that even though they were only together for a short period of time, what time they did have had such a profound effect on both of them and here they are almost two years later missing each other like crazy. Maybe that's why Irina is willing to help him write to her, and she feels like Bella deserves some kind of response. Thanks Savage. Updates make me smile. ;)

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  63. I'm so glad he's finally going to write to her (Irina is awesome for helping him).  Bella must be questioning herself at this point, wondering if she imagined his attachment to her.  I'm looking forward to reading her letter in the next chapter, to see what you mean by a drastic change of tone.

    And god, now I'm really worried about what happens to him once Seth gets out.  I mean, he at least has Irina for support, but she can't do anything about prison brutality.  Maybe now that he's not the 'new boy' they will leave him alone (not too hopeful about that, though).

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  64. Okay, Seth is out in 6 months? Does this mean trouble for Edward? I hope not.

    I'm still liking Irina. Her bringing the veggie wrap was great. Like I said before though, I hope she doesn't end up fucking him over.

    Yes, it is sad that Edward is afraid to make connections with anyone out of fear that he'll say the wrong thing and they'll leave him... really sad actually, but learning to push throught that fear is awesome.

    I'm a little anxious about Bella's letter, but looking forward to Edward's response.

    I'm still absolutely inlove with this story and looking forward to what you have instore for us! Thanks for the update! 

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  65. I feel like crying, reading how Edward can't part with Bella's letters and feels as if they are a live part of her, but thinks that it will be better for her to forget him, how he waits for letters, but is afraid to respond. OMG, it is heartbreaking, that he doesn't write to Bella and the pastor, because he doesn't know what to say and is afraid that they may stop writing to him! Edward thinks that he has nothing interesting to say - they won't like his letters, and that he can always say something wrong and piss them off. He feels unable to make any closer contact with other people. He is so lucky that Irina is there for him! She makes him talk to her, gets to his issues and finds ways to help him. She makes him be more active, make it better for himself (arrange vegetarian meals, get a HS diploma), deal with his problems. I am so glad about the letter to Bella! Looking forward to it! 

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  66. I just feel so much empathy for Edward!  And if Bella abandons him, I think I might be sicker than he will be...oh please, I'm going to dissolve if she gives up on him.  I think he might give up on himself if she leaves him like she promised that she wouldn't!  But I just want to shake Edward for not writing Bella back...what is she to think if he never responds is two friggin' years!  Dammit all to hell! 

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  67.  Poor Edward.. He has been alone for so long.. He is afraid to let anyone in. Bella really is his life. And he's afraid of loosing her.

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  68.  and one last thing.  Where is Edward?  Where is the man Bella fell in love with?  I know he is in jail, but he is still a person.  Why hasn't she put him on antidepressants if he is so catatonic that his entire persona is gone?  Where is he - the man who ran 4 companies, one legit, made a fortune - based on his personality and charms?   This is just starting to be so depressing without any hope.  Two years already?  Why no medication for him to motivate him to get a ged, work out in a gym, write, draw, work in the prison system?  

    And how is he ever going to get Bella back at this point?   He is a shell of who he was - the man she fell in love with.   Can't he get out on parole by now?  Get a new attn?  He should have a good case for overturning his sentence.  Bella is 20 now, going on 21 - she's had a chance to get over him if it was S.Syndrome.  If she still wants him, he should get his sentence overturned.  Is this going to go on for 8 years?   Get him some help, some real help, with his depression. 

    I mean really, what did he do that was this awful?  A blowjob?  Isn't two years enough for that?  He didn't kidnap her, he freed her, killed her kidnappers, saved her life.  It's enough punishment already for him.  Enough is enough.  I'm losing hope that  you care about him or her. 

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  69. I want to bail.   I can't take it anymore.   Its just too sad.   I can't quit crying.  Two yeasr?  and he hasn't written Bella?   And writing to Pastor Lee?   For what?  I don't get that. At all.  He would be better off making a friend in prison.  This is really turned out to be so depressing.  I don't see any way out at this point.  I won't bail of course, but I want to.  I can't stand to be this depressed.  you didn't warn us.   There's just no light or hope or anyting.  Just more depression and  more tears.

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  70.  I read the other comments and I would like to add  that this isn't angst for the sake of the angst, this is just the way things are with Bella and Edward at the moment. It is sad, at the same time I am happy that this is a believable, insightful story, a rare thing for fanfic. Edward can't communicate, he can't have friends in prison, he has just started therapy, he is away from Bella and is afraid that if he writes to her, he may make it worse. However, Edward is making progress - he trusted Irina, opened up to her, listens to her advice and she is there for him. For the first time (except for Bella) he is connected with someone, who has his best interests at heart, a friend. He is in jail, it could have been much, much worse than that. Edward has to deal with his problems, otherwise even if he is with Bella, it won't work out. 

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  71. Huuuuge progress in my mind. That he admitted he is worried that if he writes a letter a total stranger that they won't write him back? Big.
    You can't fix the problem until you can't identify the problem and that is pretty hard when you are looking at yourself and you are a hurting and damaged unit.

    He's still got his damnable charms though:."Set sarcasm to kill."

     

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  72. its my birthday can i get another one purlease!! i'll love you forever!!!

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  73. i lost so many chapter because of my exam!! and now i read 8!!! i m happy that edward is progressing but its sad to see he is still afraid -no scratch that, terrified- about someone leaving that he even things the guy from the church might abandon him. Why did Bella stopped? I thought she knew him enough not to...
    oh and i liked the drawing!!

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  74. Okay, so Bella's letter next chapter...my first question was how did the tone change?  If she is giving up on him...well I do not even want to go there.  But I do realize he needs to write her, or she will think he does not care.  Two years is a long time to hear nothing.  But the truth came out I guess that the reason he does not write her is he is afraid he will say something that causes her to quit writing.  But maybe if he writes she will really transfer schools to be near him?  I have been worried about Seth leaving.  I know these are not happy times, but everybody needs hope in their life.  I still think Irina is helping him, but hope is still a stranger.  How long until he feels some hope?  I kind of need it too. 

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  75.  He is making progress, but Bella is loosing hope.  WRITE TO HER DOOFUS!  

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  76.  Awww, he is getting adorable. Even through all the swearing and insecurity he is adorable. I see that little boy carrying around those two cups and a washcloth. He is so afraid! I do hope Irina can help a bit here. Anyways. Are we going to read about Edward's entire incarceration? I know that is a stupid question. Anyways. I can't wait to see what will happen next!

    ~Jessi

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  77. I think this is the first time I have ever like the character Irina. I think Edward is making progress in baby steps which will be good for him. 

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  78. see that is where my heart goes out to him.  everyone leaves him.. no wonder he is so screwed the f up.  even the people he paid to do business with em, jas, alice, and rose just left him with nothing.  i know everyone is going to say he deserved it but not all that... i just feel soo bad for him... 

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  79.  This is depressing. I don't want to read any more of this. But I want to see wtf is gonna happen... to Doofy... to Bella.... to them as couple..... Damn you Savage. >:(

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  80. ah! what did she say? must read next chapter! 

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  81. Yay Edward!  Hard work is always rewarded, right?  ;D

    Glad to see he's not tempting Murphy's Law so much with his little internal questions.  lol

    Thanks!!

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  82. Oh man.  Don't just blow her off Edward!  She's obviously infatuated with you but if you don't at least respond you're going to make her feel unworthy, not needed.  

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  83. Poor, vulnerable Vegward. I'm so glad that Irina is getting him to branch out. He needs to learn to do things for himself, on his own. Without the help of guns or money or violence. I'm excited for the letter.

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  84. well it's about frickin time he decided to write to bella. it's so sad that he feels so inadequate and fearful about so much stuff. i hate that he's still in that fucking hell hole!! 

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  85. OMG......i tearin up here. Ppl hav l;eft him his entire life dat he's evn fearful for the fact that if he says sumtin wrong *which he usually does more than often enuff* evn a Pen Pal wil leav him!!! Hw fcukin sad iz dat!!!!! This is really depressing......But at least Bella hasnt given up on him or left him, I mean dat has 2 count 4 sumtin rite?!?!


    I swear the same ting happens in UC.....I write a late comment an den the chapt after iz almost as if u read my review n took a hint sumwhere in there when i kno u wrote the chap b4 my review....hahahaaaaaaa. Its gud dat she wud help him!!!!!! Its about time sum1 does sumtin for da kid. Anxious to see both wat Bella has written & exactly hw Irina wil go about assistin Eddie 2 write his letter........WAW, we're in 4 a treat or sorts

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  86. If this is one of those stories that everything goes right on the last fucking 2 chaps i'll be so pissed 

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  87. Awe, my heart is breaking for him here. 

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  88. The fear that Edward has about writing both Bella and the Pastor back make me realy feel for him. I understand how he doesn't know what to say to either of them because he doesn't know how to communcate properly with anyone. I don't think Bella would care what Edward wrote back as long as he wrote her something. Hopefully Irina can help him put the pen to paper. 

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  89. I was hoping to read Bella's last letter....to eager to know what was different in it...Off to next chapter.

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  90. I'm still left with nothing but a sinking feeling... :(

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  91. Still such a little boy! I'm glad he has Irina and I hope she helps him.

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  92. Please don't let Bella give up on him too!!!

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  93. I'm dying to know what's in Bella's letter! Did she realize she shouldn't be in contact with Edward? Did she have some kind of breakthrough in therapy? Did she meet a nice boy and start moving on with her life?

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  94. Please tell me he gets to see Bella soon and that he is getting out of prison soon too.

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  95. Linda CullenboyzJune 25, 2011 at 9:57 PM

    Ow, it hurts.

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  96. I love this story and can't wait for more ;)

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  97. I've started the petition for vegaterian meals in the pokey....

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  98. New Moon gives me hope she'll understand and won't have given up on him. Her letter might be saying something around the lines of "you may have forgotten me... but I've not moved on from you... I'll always be waiting but I can't write anymore... it's too difficult .. " or... this isn't Bella in the sense that she has no other similar qualities to the "real" Bella, besides looks and gives up on him. I doubt that, since she forgave him earlier.
    See, he's not an idiot. Passed the GED in one try. He's just so sheltered. He's no doofus.

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  99. It amazes me that even without all the action and hiding, that this story is STILL so captivating.  You have written Edwards tics, habits, and thoughts so well that I feel like he is sitting in front of me.  I can see the whole scene happening in my head.  With a lot of fics, the moment the action is over, I just want to speed through the rest of the "down-time" chapters until it starts getting good again.  With this story I feel myself hanging on to every word.  BLESS YOU SAVAGE, for giving me something to have as an "escape" from my every day routine!

    Don't tell my kids that I said that...

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  100. I'm not one to usually beg, but PLEASE update tonight! I totes understand you have RL and all, but PLEASE!!! :) Ok, I'm done...

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  101. God, he makes me so sad. But yes, he is making progress.

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