Author’s notes:
I am not my own
For I have been made new
Please don’t let me go
I desperately need you
Owl City – Meteor Shower
“I never told you anything.”
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Chapter 97
Three days on suicide watch at a local hospital wasn’t really all that bad, except that I was under constant surveillance by both the hospital staff and a prison guard. I was cuffed to the bed, which also sucked, big-time.
Bella wasn’t allowed to visit.
Irina came to talk to me every day though, and she told me sometimes it took a giant step backwards in order to be able to move forward again. She didn’t hide the fact that she was still pretty ticked off at me for considering what I had tried to do…well, not really tried…thought about…whatever.
I didn’t know if I really would have pulled the trigger or not. Everything was kind of a blur in my memories – at least until Bella was there.
Irina also gave me a little detail of what happened that day. She had been walking out of the building and heading home when she heard someone arguing with the front desk about visiting Edward Cullen. She recognized Bella from the media accounts of my trial, though I hadn’t known Irina had ever looked any of that up. Irina went up to Bella to talk to her, and to find out why she was coming to visit me. Once Bella received my letter, she realized our messages had gotten crossed in the mail. She pawned the wedding ring I had given her all that time ago to get a plane ticket to come and talk to me in person. While they were talking, Irina was called about me being in her office with a gun. She took the chance, and brought Bella in with her.
After my little ordeal in Irina’s office, Bella had to be taken out of the inmate’s area while I was placed back in cuffs. It just about tore me in half. I was about five seconds from being sedated when Irina reminded me that people did get visitors here, and if I wanted to be able to see her again I’d better shut the fuck up and start cooperating.
“Soon,” Bella whispered against my cheek. “I love you.”
“I love you,” I replied, surprised at how easily the words came now – like the tiny hole in the dam that suddenly gives way to the flooding waters.
After the hospital stay, I was put on anti-depressants and my therapy sessions were increased to twice a week. I also had to spend a week in solitary.
No visitors there, either.
It was kind of strange how anxious it made me feel not to be able to see anyone except Irina, when the day before all of this happened I hadn’t cared about visitors at all. I didn’t even are about seeing other inmates, but I found I was missing the presence of both Seth and Embry, and not just because I could trade food with them.
Irina was still allowed to conduct our session from solitary, at least, but the guard had to be in there with us, so there really wasn’t much point. I didn’t really want to talk about shit in front of that guy, and Irina picked up on that pretty quickly. She kept our talks about what I was eating, if I was taking my medication when I was supposed to, and whether or not I still felt like I wanted to die.
My goals for getting out of prison were going to become the focus of the rest of my therapy – where I wanted to be, where Bella wanted to be, and how we were going to work together to make that happen. Obviously, when the two of us were trying to deal with it alone we were not very successful.
After I was brought back into the normal prison population, I was allowed visitors on Wednesdays and Sundays. Bella was there the first day I could see her. It was only through Plexiglas, but I would take it.
I picked up the little handset on the pegboard wall, and Bella did the same.
“I love you,” we both said at the same time. Bella’s cheeks turned red, and I couldn’t help but smile. It made my face feel weird – I don’t think I had done that in a while. For the longest time, we just looked at each other, but it wasn’t awkward at all – it just felt good.
“I’ve got a long way to go,” I finally said. “But I’m going to do it, okay? I swear to you, I’m going to be better when I’m out of here.”
“I will be, too,” she responded. She took a deep breath and wiped a tear from the corner of her eye. “It’s not going to be easy, is it?”
“Nothing worthwhile ever is,” I said. “At least, that what Irina keeps tell me.”
“She’s your counselor,” Bella said with a nod. “I like her.”
“I do, too,” I responded. I reached up and ran my hand through my hair. I didn’t want to hold anything back. Irina said that was important – I needed to tell her everything. “Um…she had the doctor put me on some pills. For the depression.”
“Good.” Bella’s hand reached forward and her fingers pressed against the Plexiglas. I raised my free hand up and placed my fingers on the other side, lining up with hers.
“How are you?” I asked, and then had to kind of laugh at how lame the question was. “I mean, really? I know I must have…scared you. Being like that. With everything you said in your letter…shit, Bella – I had no idea-”
“I know you didn’t,” she said with a nod. “How could you if I never told you?”
“I never told you anything.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You’ve already apologized, Edward. You don’t have to apologize for it again every time it’s brought up. At some point, you have to let go.”
“Now you sound like Irina.” I smiled and pushed my fingertips against the glass a little harder.
“It’s what Sue keeps tell me,” Bella said. “She’s my counselor.”
“Figures.”
We just looked at each other for another minute, which was when the guard came up and give me my five minute warning.
“Bella…” My voice trailed off as I took a deep breath. “I’ve still got a long time in here. I’m not going to ask you to put your life on hold to wait for me. It’s not fair to ask you to do that. I have pretty much nothing to offer you as long as I’m here, and by the time I get out…shit, Bella – you could be thirty by then.”
“I know you aren’t asking me to,” Bella said. “That doesn’t mean I won’t do it anyway.”
I took a breath, and it felt like my lungs were actually working correctly for the first time in a very long time. I was still torn – the selfish part of me that wanted her to wait, and the other parts that wanted to say I wasn’t good enough for her.
But I was going to be.
I was going to make sure I was the kind of man she needed me to be before I got out of here.
“You still have to do what you need to do for yourself, too,” I told her. “You have to finish college and have a life outside of me.”
“I know.” Bella sighed. “I’ve been trying.”
“I’ll try to help you,” I promised. “Anyway I can – just tell me what you need from me.”
“Don’t close me out,” she said immediately. “Don’t do what I did, and sugar-coat everything. I want to know how you really are.”
“You too, right?”
“Right.” Her eyes locked with mine, and I was captivated by her gaze. I could have just looked at her for the rest of my sentence. No problem.
“Time’s up, Cullen.” The guard tapped the edge of the wall.
“What do we do from here?” I asked her.
“What do you want to do?” She really did sound like a fucking therapist.
“I want to figure out what I need to do to still have you in my life when I leave here,” I told her. “If you want me to be, anyway.”
“I do,” she responded immediately. “How do we make it work?”
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “But I’m going to figure it out.”
Where there’s a will there’s a way, right?
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Chapter end notes:
They are both learning, right?
Scooby snacks all around!
100 chapters is still my target. Not sure if that will be the exact number, but it calls to my OCD. Nice, round number…mmmmm….
