Monday, May 2, 2011

CBWR? Chapter 68

Authors notes:

It's late.  Considering all the extremely important Nutella talk that was deemed necessary on Twitter, I'm lucky I got any of this done.  The original chapter met with a big ole delete key, becasue it sucked.  That happens sometimes.  You got this one instead. :)

Do not look up at puppy dog eyes…do not look up at puppy dog eyes…
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Chapter 68
I sat against the wall by the bed, my knees drawn up close to my chest, cigarette dangling from my fingers, and generally feeling wretched.
Nothing like a little realism to completely destroy what I thought had been a pretty nice evening.
We’d had dinner in the hotel restaurant because I didn’t want to venture out in the open.  Bella had protested a little, but eventually gave in for the same of her safety and my sanity.  She wanted to see the sights of Paris, but I needed a little more intelligence gathered on my late night visitor and at least one, mostly incompetent stalker.
Dinner went well, all things considered.
I drank a little too much, which probably didn’t help the rest of the evening.
Bella didn’t drink anything, which probably didn’t help the rest of the evening, either.
I might have admitted to myself later that I was brooding a bit.  I had promised Bella a wedding night, and I had no idea what that should entail.  I thought I’d get someone at the hotel to help me come up with ideas and whatever of shit to do, but I overslept. 
Maybe if I had gotten my shit together that night it would have gone better.  Probably not.
“I’m glad we came back to Paris,” Bella said as she swirled a spoon around in her dessert.  “I just hope you’ll at least let us get out a little bit.”
“I will,” I said, hoping I could keep my promise.  I took a swig of my…fourth?...fifth?...scotch.  “We should have the rest of the information we need sometime tomorrow.”
“Perfect!” Bella smiled.  “Then you can take me out for my birthday.”
Shit.  I had forgotten about her birthday.
“It’s tomorrow?” I asked.  I felt my hand tugging at the ends of my hair.
“The day after,” she corrected.  She raised an eyebrow as she peered over her glass at me.
Oh good…some time to prepare…um…something.  A cake?  Did they even make birthday cakes in Europe?  Fuck if I knew.  There was only one thing she really wanted, and I couldn’t give it to her.
“Sorry I couldn’t get you back to your family by then,” I told her, then immediately regretted mentioning it.  Bella’s eyes dropped to the table.
“It’s all right,” she said in a voice that made it damn clear it wasn’t right at all.  “I do wish you would let me call them, though.”
“No way,” I said.  “Not until it’s time for you to go home.”
“What difference does it make, Edward?”  Bella’s eyes glanced up at mine.  “If I could just tell them I’m okay, then they wouldn’t spend my whole birthday wondering if I’m dead.  I could just tell them not to worry…and that I’ll be home soon.  Edward, please.”
Do not look up at puppy dog eyes…do not look up at puppy dog eyes…
“No,” I repeated.  I couldn’t look at her, because the look that was bound to be in her eyes would tear me up.  I wanted to give her what she desired, but I couldn’t give her that.  It wouldn’t be safe for either of us.  I took a deep breath and tried to change the subject.  I clinked my scotch glass against her water.
“Here’s to the few short days we have left,” I said stoically. 
“We’ll still be able to see each other afterwards, Edward,” Bella said with a little smile that did not touch her eyes.  She was obviously a little pissed about the phone call thing, but we had that conversation at least once a day.
“Yeah, sure we will,” I mumbled.  I slipped enough to cover the bill and tip and started to stand.  My legs were a little shaky, and walking was not my forte at that precise moment.  “We should go back to the room.”
Bella stood as well, dropping her napkin down on her plate.
“Why can’t I call?” Bella continued to push as we entered the elevator and listened to the hum as it rose into the air.  “I won’t tell them where we are, just let them know I’m okay, and…”
“No!” I finally yelled.  I was sick of the whole conversation.
“Why not?” she yelled right back at me.
“Because I really don’t relish the idea of Cop Daddy showing up here!” 
Bella’s face went pale. 
I stomped out of the elevator and down the hall to the last room.  When I opened it, the Eiffel Tower lights were sparkling in the darkness.  I heard Bella walk in behind me and the click of the door as it shut.
“You didn’t tell me you knew,” she said softly.
“You didn’t tell me your dad was a cop,” I turned and quipped at her.  My head was definitely fuzzy.
“What difference does it make if you already know?” she snapped back.
“So you were intentionally keeping it from me,” I challenged.  Again, this was very likely the single malt talking here.  Fuzzy-schmuzzy.  I was drunk.
“Are you saying that you thought I was keeping it from you, and you turned around and kept it from me, too?”
Something about the overly serious look on her face – or again, the single malt – made me laugh.  I stumbled a little, too, but mostly I laughed.
“Pot, meet kettle!” I said with a smile, pointed first at her, then at myself.  I was feeling warm and snarky, and pretty sure I was making a damn funny joke, regardless of the look on Bella’s face.  “Kettle, meet pot!  Pot, kettle…kettle pot!”
More laughing.  I was kind of waiting for her to join me, but she didn’t.
“Do you think,” I was definitely slurring at this point, “when he meets me, your dad will want to shoot me straight in the face, or will he prefer to blow my balls off first?”
I laughed again.
Then I tried to figure out why the side of my face was stinging so bad.
And next, I tried to figure out why Bella had tears in her eyes, and then why she was locked in the bathroom.
It all happened so quick, and even when I kind of came to my senses – either from the slap across the face or from the slam of the bathroom door, I wasn’t sure – I still didn’t really understand what had just transpired.
Visions of a half dozen women walking out on me after a apparent fight that I didn’t understand was happening danced through my head.  Kate walking out of my office, Jessica walking out in the middle of a restaurant, Tanya leaving me on the dance floor at the fucking prom.
I’d fucked it up.
I didn’t know what I had done, but I had definitely fucked it up.
She was going to go.
She was going to leave me.
I was going to be alone again.
And unlike the other times, the thought wasn’t just bringing me back to a state of normalcy.  This time the very idea crushed down on my chest and I felt like I was drowning.  I couldn’t get enough air, and I started panting just to get oxygen.  Not long after that, I dropped to the floor, unable to keep my feet underneath me.
Once my little hyperventilation attack was over, I crawled over to this place next to the bed and started chain smoking.
This was a smoking room, right?
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Chapter End Notes:
Well, you know they had to fall apart eventually, right? I mean...he's done some good here, but a drunken doofuds is definitely a doofus.
Next update - tomorrow. 
I finished the Unexpected Circumstances Outtake for Fandoms fight Tsiumani.  Go to the site todonate and get your copy, along with a ton of other wonderful one shots and such for abotut 300 writers!

63 comments:

  1. Oh boy, doofus- I *might* feel a little sorry for him...smokingbroom- everything is 'smoking' in France!

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  2. Thank you for the update - even though he messed up big time. Hopefully he will sober up and make up for it on her birthday

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  3. A drunken Doofus is beyond a Doofus... He's an ignoramus!!! I don't like drunken Doofus because nothing he's saying is "for the good of Bella". He's just being a total ass!

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  4. finally update!!!!!!!!!!!! question here...after 68 chapters...are we going to get some lemons at some point.....or this is a pg 13 story?

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  5. Their time together is coming to an end...and he's struggling with that...poor doofus :(
    That chapter made me teary eyed....great stuff..thanks :)

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  6. I can't believe I might have teared up a bit for Edward. Wait, yes I can. I understand why he won't let Bella call her parents. Poor Edward. Of course she's leaving...eventually. But this? I think under normal circumstances it would have blown over...what he said wasnt all that bad, and really - it was a legitimate concern on his part. Bella's just upset and worried about her parents.

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  7. Poor Edward - he's really backing himself into a corner.
    I can totally get Bella's urgency and insistence about phoning home - I could see myself pushing hard if I were her. But Edward's trying SO hard to keep her safe, and she just doesn't get it!
    Then he had to go pull Charlie into the topic of discussion. Doofus.
    I really am worried to see how you're going to end this. I really can't see a HEA ending, because I really can't see the two of them staying together for a fun life. And I really don't want to see him be abandoned again. I have a horrid feeling you're going to kill him off to save Bella.
    I hope this story goes on for 100 more chapters - it'll stave off unpleasant endings.
    Thanx - a lot - for all the continuous updates. You really should take a week's break, but I am selfishly hoping you won't.
    Thanx for tonite's fun! - annah

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  8. Edwards EternalMay 2, 2011 at 7:50 PM

    Oh Doofus... one step forward , six steps back... you do fuck things up well without even trying overly hard to do so don't you. You need to learn the words Please forgive me
    and fast.... and please don't go... 6 words E just 6 little words...

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  9. Doofus screwed up... take away the scooby snacks.... I am so looking forward to the outtake of UC for the Fandoms fight tsiumani..

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  10. i feel bad for Edward, he is running out of time.

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  11. The pressure of her imminent departure seems to get to Edward... Now I more than ever think that Charlie is either dead or terminally ill. TeamDeadCharlie! (I know I'm awful, but what can I do? I want Edward to have a chance)

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  12. his heart is breaking and he doesn't understand it

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  13. Oh Doofus...what are we going to do with you? He'll figure it out, I hope.

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  14. Fuck CopDaddy! I don't know him, but I already don't like him.

    And I have no freaking idea what all of these fancy new button are right above this comment box. I'm honestly afraid to click on them. If I click will my car not start tomorrow? FML.

    Poor Doofy. You are tearing him a new one.

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  15. You know what to do with him? Because I don't!
    And him is driving me crazy.
    Poor Eddie!

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  16. I don't get why she slapped him? It is a logical conclusion that Charlie is going to want to kill him or arrest him or have him killed while in custody or something along those lines. Why would she slap him? I don't know why he doesn't level with her about the danger to her parents and to them if she calls prematurely... alerts her parents that she is alive... they will behave differently tipping off others, you know. Why can't he explain this to her... it is not just because he wants to save his own hide. She mentioned that she thinks they will still be able to know/see each other after she goes home... is she crazy? Or perhaps just 18 and naive? Or will she just make up some story as to how they know each other? Something tells me she has no intention of the latter. I wonder too why she seems to have been held back a year at school? Is she sick or was she sick? She is too smart to have failed? I bet there is something else "up your sleeve" as to why you put this into the story.

    I really hope they talk/work this fight out in the next chapter. I can't take it. I really want him to tell her that he is worried about her leaving him and that he doesn't want her to go. I really don't want Bella to leave him. I don't want Edward's wee heart to brake.

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  17. awe poor doofus. watch him be in a non smokeing room HILARIOUS

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  18. Doofus + a few drinks + previously unaddressed sticky issue = bad night.

    Yes, it’s a dose of reality for the pair of them. I think Bella kind of knows how difficult it will be to somehow include him in her life, but she wants to believe it’s possible anyway. I think it IS possible, provided he makes some changes. And I think he is capable of making those changes if he believes it means keeping her as a part of his life. It wouldn't be easy, it wouldn't be a smooth transition, and it probably wouldn't be right away. But it can happen.

    I'm curious to see what will happen when he comes out of his stupor and realizes that Bella hasn’t left him (yet).

    BTW, I totally get his perspective about not letting her phone home yet. It ISN’T safe at this point. In fact, if you ask me they still have some loose ends to figure out before she even thinks of going back, because those guys who are after them could easily find out where she lives and cause trouble. (This is all provided they’re from the crime world and not just cops or something, mind you...)

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  19. I wonder how Bella plans to see him afterwards. I guess if they never figure out she was with Edward then they could pretend to meet and then go out. OR the story could be that Edward rescued her.

    I somehow don't think it will be that simple or easy.

    Roshambo

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  20. Aw Doofy why'd ya have to go and get drunk? geezlouise, this poor dude just can't really sink much further. oh can he? Ugh I really feel bad for him

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  21. Actually, he had a point there. Yes, he was drunk, but I'm not sure I would have slapped him. I think she's mostly embarassed that he figured out her dad was a cop, AND was right. Oh well... I know your stories don't have "traditional" HEAs, but I hope these two figure out a way to make it work, eventually (probably after a boat-load of therapy!).

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  22. Shoot me, but I don't think what he said (this time) was so bad. Honesty he has the worse timing, delivery, and choice of words, but what man doesn't?

    Besides, I think those two scenarios are plausible. I vote balls blown off first.

    No more nutella convos if they are going to interfere with my reading pleasure. Your tweets with Icy entertained me while I was waiting for Son1 to get out of rehearsal.

    xx

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  23. Does that number on the bottom of the page just blow you away?

    I must admit...I think about 90,000 of those visits are mine...checking to see if you've updated...(heeheehee)

    Eddie is gonna get sloppy if he doesn't start sleeping and laying off the booze.

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  24. poor Edward. he so lost and trying so hard to do the right thing.

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  25. As much as I knew this was coming I still feel bad for Doofy ;)

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  26. You are so, so very mean to my sweet Edward!!!! Jeez! He is trying and now his heart is breaking that the first person he has ever loved is going to leave him!!!! How can you be so cruel to him????? I am disappointed in you savage. Really disappointed. How can u sleep at night?

    Now, update tomorrow and fix this shit. And don't ask me how, I have no clue how u can fix it, but I know you will. U fixed Boobward and you fixed the ship ward, what was his name? Heheh I forgot!!!! Ok, fix dufus. I am in love with him. Seriously in love and I can't stand that he is hurting!!!!!!!!!! Dufus!!!!! I love you!!!!!

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  27. Well, he screwed up again, eh? Why did he get so drunk? That wasn't very smart!

    Let's see what happens next! LOL!

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  28. AustenbrontemeyerMay 2, 2011 at 10:39 PM

    5 Scotches! It is truth time and the train wreck which is his past is about to plow right into his psyche. Can he handle it? His id, or his instinctual drive is in full protective mode; he loves her unconsciously. His super ego or conscience on the other hand is so concerned with societal norms that he cannot help but feel disgusted with himself. Finally his ego is trying somewhat unsuccessfully to integrate the two thereby creating conflict and ultimately, his upheaval at the moment.
    I once waited outside a bathroom door when a man decided to take a gun and lock himself in after getting rather polluted. The alcohol had allowed him an unhindered glimpse into the absolute reality that he did have attachment and sensitivity issues along with others which had precipitated his wife and children leaving him, causing him to drink in the first place. Up until then he had successfully enveloped abusive childhood memories devoid of nurture, manifesting in a very cold and emotionally distant personality; his protection.
    With this wall down he felt unprotected for the first time. He grabbed a handgun and locked himself in the bathroom for over an hour before someone phoned. He absolutely destroyed the room and his hands and then cried until he passed out. When all the while I thought he was a suicide risk, he was simply left so alone and unprotected as this hardcore persona lifted enough to let him see what he had lost and what he had become, he was terrifed and fell apart. When they finally forced the door they found this big tough guy lying there on the hard tile floor with his hands bleeding and the gun still clutched in his arms like a child would clutch a teddy bear, fully passed out. He ultimately did undergo successful self-actualization therapy and is happily remarried, a more loving and considerate man.
    Your E is just beginning to accept that what happened to him in childhood was wrong and absolutey not his fault. He is entitled to be angry about it and in directing that anger toward the adults who should have been loving him.

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  29. "Did they even make birthday cakes in Europe?" LOL
    And the part about him never understanding why they left was sad... Will Bella realize she has to explain to him? Slowly, when he's sober?

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  30. One the bright side, at least one elephant is out of the room. But getting drunk when one really has to watch out what one's saying is never a bright idea. Add to that, that Bella was probably expecting a wedding night and now feels unwanted and undesirable again. And when she finally walks out, she will be in a bedroom full of 2nd hand smoke, if Edward hasn't set the room on fire by then for falling asleep with a cigarette. She is going to be pissed all over again. Doofus will have some serious making up to do. Flowers won't be cutting it.

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  31. Excited about getting the UC outtake! :)

    Well, Bella's crying bc Charlie is not longer alive.. right? TDC! (TeamDeadCharlie) I know I sound evil. Oh the things that I support in the name of Doofy.

    It kills me to see Doofus in pain.

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  32. Lux, Your TDC theory does have merit. It would make sense why she hasn't mentioned him, and why she slapped him. I hiink you are right.

    Roshambo

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  33. I think it's more due to a Dead Mother Complex than anything else. Ed's whole personality organization as well as his primitive defenses are derived from this cathexis.

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  34. AAAWWWWW! Poor Edward. When will you get yourself together?

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  35. Maybe Bella reacted this way, because Edward's words together with his laughter sounded as if he was joking with her father's feelings. Or maybe we still don't know the reason why she was so upset.
    "... women walking out on me after a apparent fight that I didn’t understand..." - it is so sad to see how confused, helpless and resigned Edward was. He didn't try to understand his girlfriends and he didn't even thought to ask. He accepted that he always failed and didn't think about it, he just let it go as something normal for him and went back to being alone, which was also his normal way of life. With Bella it was the first time that he was really interested how she felt and what she thought and guessed that he could ask her.
    Chain smoking - Edward reacted just like me, I do it every time I am upset.

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  36. Could you explain a bit more about this, please!

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  37. Poor Edward I love you! I don't get Bella at this point, at all. Their time together is now coming to an end and he is not going to take it well :(

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  38. shit .. poor Edward .. why did Bella slap him .. i mean he didn't insult her or her dad or anything ..
    how can she leave him there having a panic attack .. shit
    what's gonna happen she's not gonna truly leave him i know
    2moro seems so far away

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  39. WTH? Why did Bella slap him? He was just stating facts (even though he could have cut the snark). Also, why would she be mad because he didn't state that he knew Charlie was a cop? He found them online and it would have said that Charlie was Chief so why would he need to tell her he knew? She should have told him long before now. Like back when she was telling him what Renee did. I think they both are seriously stressing over the fact that she will be going home soon and I think she wants Edward to ask her to stay with him, but the thought won't even occur to him b/c he feels like he doesn't deserve her anyway. COMMUNICATION PEOPLE! Geez!

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  40. I'm kinda surprised Bella didn't come out when he fell to the floor. Drunk Edward is not a good Edward. That is for sure. Surely Bella see's that the separation is gonna mess him up severely. She knows that that's what he needs, wants. Someone who doesn't leave. She's naive to think the will see each other again after she goes back home. *sigh*

    Stephanie

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  41. he's actually handling it better than i thought he would. i think we keep forgetting how screwed up he actually is and that this is all so different for him. can't compare him to "normal" standards right now

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  42. Ooooh, YUP! How they are is how they will be -- in spades! No excusing him, but I think I can see where she'd go in her head (seeing her part in the fight), and neither of them is communicating very well. ass-U-me :D

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  43. Im only getting alrets every thrid chapter! Its pissing me off! Then again, there's no waiting for updates this way. Okay love dthis chapter. He;s such a guy, even though he';s socially, emotionally and relationship-ly (?) retarded.

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  44. oh ed.... you did it this time. i so wonder how this is going to work out. I am also wondering how charlie is going to take him, how she really feels about him, and what he is going to do when he is all alone after she goes home!

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  45. Yes, please; please. I'm dying for Edward here, he's such a tragedy.

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  46. austenbrontemeyerMay 3, 2011 at 5:47 PM

    They do need some further safeguards or she will be open to vengence by any of Aro's goons who remain or rival crime interests who believe he did if for the territory making him a target as well

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  47. Bless his heart...........he needs in a class in Women 101 or something like that.

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  48. omg poor edward he's really put his foot in it this time!! i think he's rather pissed about the fact that he won't have bella for much longer and it's no wonder he got drunk!!

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  49. So the cat is out of the bag (or should I say the cop?) and they both know that Bella hid from him that her dad is a cop. But I don't believe this to be the only reason why he doesn't let her call home. It's just not safe enough, and a simple call wouldn't make Bella's parents stop worrying anyway, since they both know she was kidnapped.
    I so feel for this Edward...he wants her to stay so badly, and yet he never knows exactly what to say or how to act around her. Good thing that at least she seems to understand him, better than he understands himself or her, for that matter. He has so much to learn on how to handle and show his feelings for her...

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  50. aw, he's not spending their last couple of days together well.

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  51. Briefly, it's a psychological theory having to do with a mother that is physically present but dead inside for one reason or another. Sometimes always dead inside, other times dying happens at some point in child or infant hood. It is different from the flat mother - one who has no affective response. The dead mother maybe be appropriately responsive, and all looks okay from the outside, but in her heart and soul, there's no life. This has a very powerful impact on the child as they opt in to the agreement to be numb/dead inside just like the mother (mother is largely intolerant of lively, life bringing things like loud laughter and play), so the child becomes quiet to please the mother while also doing all in his or her power to feed the mother to bring her back to life. Tends to cause strong isolation loner and/or withdrawing tendencies as well as self-suffiency in both genders combined with major challenges in intimacy/relationships - they literally don't know how to relate or make connection on any other than an intellectual level. Secure cases have no connection to their emotions at all. It also generally creates an odd blend of passivity with dominance/anger.

    Hope that helps. There's a fair amount online if you google it. And yes, there is a corresponding Dead Father Complex as well.

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  52. Well, ouch! He really shouldn't have been so drunk, what if someone was tailing them again? Not smart, on so many counts.

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  53.  Geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez Eddie, this chapt takes u str8 bk 2 DoucheWard!!!!!!! Damn, men are jerks wen they're drunk!!!!!! Arrrrrrrrrrrrgh, afta all dat hard wrk 2 try 2 at least build a relationship wid 1 woman who actually seemed to care, evn a lil bit.............nothin like a few drinks 2 wash it all down!!!!!!! SMH


    Poor Eddie...........my heart hurts for ya!!!!! but u gotta get a grip on urself n stop fcukin tings up maynnnnnnnnnne. These last few days shud take a lil EXTRA from u if u wanna keep her around!!!!!! U can do it.....i hav FAITH in ya. u were doin quite well for a wile there

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  54. I still have this feeling Charlie is dead. 

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  55. And the Douche Award go to...Edward, duh. Seriously, was there a  good reason for getting drunk, what if someone attacked? Ooops!

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  56. Me too... I hope you were wrong... I really wanna know!!!!

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  57. Bella needs to pull up her boot straps and reign Edward back into what reality can look like.

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  58. So why was she keeping it from her?

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  59. He is still learning how to interact, he has never even made the effort before, so are we surpirsed he fucked up? NO! Poor Edward, he really needs a little help here.

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