Sunday, May 1, 2011

CBWR? Chapter 67

Author’s notes:
You can reply to other reviews now, in case you haven’t noticed.
Finally saw Water for Elephants.  I liked it, but I still think it should have been called “Whiskey for Elephants” instead.
You are beautiful like this.
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Chapter 67:
It felt like my brain was vibrating. I didn’t think I had ever gone so long without sleep, and I would have expected it to happen faster, but I didn’t just drop into unconsciousness like you would think.  I just lay next to Bella concentrating on the scent of her neck and the feeling of her hand on my face.
When her voice floated into my ears, I figured I must have fallen asleep.  Her soft words felt like they were caressing my neck and jaw on their way up to my ears.
“I don’t know what to think of you sometimes,” I heard her say.  “You must be the most bizarre man to ever live.  You’ve done simply horrible things, but inside it all it’s like you are just a little child looking for his mommy.  Why aren’t you angry with them?  They left you with nothing, but it doesn’t even occur to you that what they did was wrong.  Even when they were there, it doesn’t sound like you were ever given what you needed when you were little.”
The backs of her fingers ran over my neck.  The tingling in my skin seemed to match the tingling in my brain.  Everything felt warm. 
“You don’t even know what you are missing.  I don’t think you have any idea what it is like to care for someone, or to have someone care for you.  You wouldn’t even know it if it was happening.  You don’t know it when it’s happening.  No wonder you thought you had to buy yourself someone to be with you.”
“I want to hate you.”  Her voice was so soft in my dream, I could barely hear her.  Even though the sound was muted, the words still slammed into me like a wrecking ball.  “And I did, at first, but then I just thought you were the lesser of the evils in front of me.  Once I understood…really understood that you all but hand-picked me…”
Under my cheek I could feel her take a deep breath and let it out slowly.
“I hated you again.”  Her hand stopped moving on my cheek, and then it was gone from my skin entirely.  “If my mom had…if she had died...I would have killed you in your sleep the first chance I had.”
My dream had certainly turned nightmare, but there didn’t seem to be any way out of it.  Just like Bella had no way out of her nightmare…it would always be there, lurking in the back.  It didn’t matter if I could return her to the normalcy of her parents and her school friends; it would always haunt her existence.
“You look so peaceful when you are sleeping,” she said, and the strange dream took on yet another tone.  Her fingers started running over my face again, and I hoped this meant the nightmare was over.  “So much younger and…I don’t know…different.  Like maybe this is how you were supposed to be – the way you would have been if you had been raised right.  You are beautiful like this.”
I heard her sigh.
“I always thought you were the most attractive man I had ever seen.  It didn’t matter – not at first.  You were still ugly to me then.  But now…after everything you are trying to do for me…even though you know there’s nothing you can really do to make it right…it’s different now.  Somewhere inside of you is someone who could be caring and loving, if he only knew what it meant.  When I look at you now, I think maybe you really could be beautiful.”
“Bella…” I tried to get some words out, but like most dreams, I couldn’t make myself do what I wanted to do.  Her name came out as a breathy, sleep-filed whisper, and nothing more.  I tightened my grip around her waist, holding her close to me.
“Shh…”  I felt her hand cupping my cheek and her lips against my forehead again.  “Don’t wake up…shh…sleep now.”
As she said the word sleep this time, I felt my mind letting go, and I slowly drifted completely out of consciousness, with no more dreams to interrupt my rest.
It was all just a dream, right?
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Chapter end notes:
I always had a thing for that whole “what you hear when you are supposed to be asleep” thing from Eclipse.  Love that bit.  Not sure if I’ve worked it into every story, but certainly a lot of them!
More today?  Don’t know yet.  Maybe.  We’ll see.

77 comments:

  1. Eclipse is my favorite of the series. I love canon stuff ;)

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  2. Wow..powerful stuff..she's as conflicted as Doofy is about her feelings and who Edward is inside. I think it's right that she hated him at first...and that she would have tried to kill him had her mother died. The 'hearing her talk while he was almost asleep' really worked. I loved hearing her thoughts..it's the first time we really know how she feels about him.

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  3. Wow, she gets it! In a really bit way. I hope she can help him understand, cause she's right he has no idea what he missed.

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  4. Loved "hearing" Bella's thoughts! She is fierce and astute and awesome.

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  5. LOL! I always had a thing for that part too! I still think Bella was pretending to be asleep...but still...
    I totes would have pretended too...

    This was a great chapter! Little insight into B. I'm glad she said she wanted to kill him in his sleep...I think that is a healthy reaction. I would be like her though. Totally fall for the last person in the world I should fall for....
    I can relate...especially in my youth.

    I'm older and wiser now....heeheehee....

    Thanks!

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  6. Aha! Finally we get to hear Bella's thoughts! Good job on that! they were both thinking "it could be worth, right?" in the beginning :) I liked the "I want to hate you" part. It means she doesn't.

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  7. I'm glad Edward got to hear her say all that, even though he thinks he's asleep, and probably doesn't understand half of what she was saying to him!

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  8. Yes :-) I love the dreaming yet awake sequence too. What a fun way to show what the other main character is thinking without having to change the POV. You did a great job with this chapter.

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  9. So sweet and poetic...love it!

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  10. can you believe it? Wow, chapter 67.

    and still going...

    i am glad nothing happened to bella`s mom. i always knew that if something had happened to her, then, there would have been not future for this two.

    thanks for the update, shay.

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  11. I loved that part of Eclipse as well, and I was thinking of it as I read this chapter. I love how she was more honest than she's been thus far, admitting that she did hate him at times, and still wants to. It is part of Bella's character to care about others before herself, so it doesn't surprise me that she can take all of this being dished out to her, but would have sought revenge had her mother been killed. You hit all the right notes in this chapter; well done.

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  12. You're forgiven! Except...

    There was nothing to forgive. RL gives us the $$$ to fuel the fantasy, but not the time.

    Bella is wise beyond her years.

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  13. She hates him :(

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  14. I ♥ it!...Can't wait till the next chapter!

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  15. had a feeling if b's mom was hurt, she would never forgive him. looks like b is learning to work through her emotions regarding e and what he did to her and the conflict she feels. she empathizes with him so much and understands how damaged he is. no one has taken the time to really look at him before and care

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  16. poor wee edward think she slow full in love with him, but trying not to

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  17. It was nice to hear some of Bella's thoughts! It's funny how she has grown with the story. When it first started out she really didn't seem to have any thoughts or opinions at all. Her character has grown A lot! Looking forward to Edward waking up!

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  18. This was a wonderful chapter to read, just to get a little insight of what B is feeling and thinking. I been craving for this since the very beginning of the story.

    But why do I get the feeling she is trying to fill the role of a mother? That maybe she believes that if she cares for him, he will change and become what he was supposed to be, a good human being.

    In regards to E/B relationship I still think they shouldn't start anything until all the danger is gone and she is back home. But knowing them makes me think they won't wait.

    Thank you for updating.

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  19. I like that whole talking/dreaming thing, too. Probably because I've had conversations that way. Though... I always remembered them when I woke up. Not necessarily right away... but eventually.

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  20. i was so relieved that nothing happened to her mom cos i think there wouldn't have been a continued story!lol! and yes edward does need to see that someone cares for him. looking forward to the next chapter.

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  21. Very important and insightful chapter. To hear Bella's thoughts this way was brilliant. I knew that if her Mom had died she'd fell that way. Who wouldn't. There would be no redemption, ever. She is wise beyond her years and understands why Edward thinks the way he does because of never having anyone who cared about whether he lived or died, ate or thrived. There was never any nurturing in his formative years. Many times that breeds a sociopathic nature. And even though Edward thinks nothing of killing when he thinks it's necessary, we can see that there is a kernal of kindness, a strong sense of protectivness toward Bella and a deep abiding need for love in his soul. I hope they can get that damn chip disabled soon. As usual you have blown me away with this story and I wait and I want another update sooner rather than later.

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  22. wow a little insight to bella .. almost like a bpov you are a tricky tricky lady!!! love the story thanks for the bella words of wisdom!!

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  23. It was really a very good thing nothing happened to her mom. Neither would have been able to cope with that.

    Thanks for writing this chapter like you did. Finding out what you probably weren't supposed to hear is interesting. It can go both ways, you might like or hate what you hear. In this case... it's hard to say what Edward should think about it, what Bella wants to say and probably clear up in her own mind.

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  24. Okay, I just got to cheat here and say "ditto" to Nancym5's review. She said everything I wanted to say so why just repeat it? LOL !

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  25. you know I love your story, i mean i want to have your story's babies kind or love, but this chapter right here, I could have cheat on your story with it. I have been wanting something from Bella. I mean by this point I would have already 'exploded' on him on how a feel, what I think of him, and what I think about his life. This was perfect!!!

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  26. Such a great story it's eaisily becoming one of my favorites. Up there with H&D and SB. Can't waiit to see where u take us. Update soon.

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  27. Finally, a little little insight into Bella. It still doesn't quite explain why she wants him though. Great idea!

    I was craving this do much that I started rereading SB last night.

    Roshambo

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  28. It's refreshing to hear from Bella. I love it. Than you thank you.

    Stephanie

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  29. Wonderful chapter, giving us a glimpse inside Bella's mind, so that we know she's not just falling into some kind of Stockholm Syndrome. Her feelings for Edward are as conflicted as his own but she's aware of what's happening. She has hated him, for all the right reasons, and would, of course, have been justified in wanting him dead if her mother had not survived. But equally, she is now starting to care deeply for the man she thinks he could have been, and still, perhaps, could be with the right incentive and with love in his life. But it's a long, hard road to redemption for Edward and until he can truly free her and let her go then he'll never be able to keep her ... if you know what I mean!

    Every time I see an alert for this story I have to stop whatever I'm doing or reading - it's just that good. It's late now here in the UK - gone 2am - but it's a holiday tomorrow so I don't mind being up late, and if there's another chapter in the next half an hour I will probably read it rather than sleep (and then have to read it again in the morning to remind myself lol!)

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  30. AustenbrontemeyerMay 1, 2011 at 6:16 PM

    The tables are turned when he is so vulnerable. I love that she is holding him, awwww...

    He is so humorous in his reticence to even speak when he is awake. So as not to screw up further he blusters about strong-arming and stoic, just listening for her cues because he is so out of his element.

    He does not believe he is indeed good enough for her but will his subconscious do his bidding for him; a nightmare about his childhood or B being hurt or an episodic dream of something yummier in his sleep which she will wake upon hearing.

    In TWLT, E was irrevocably changed upon hearing her speak his name in her sleep and was astonishingly affected by that moment. She has already garnered some insight into his early life and it has intrigued her, piquing her protective instincts toward him. We feel her becoming his safe place in the train wreck which is his life.

    Here again in your work we are unwittingly swept away by a softly flowing undercurrent which is suggestive without being overtly leading. Nice!

    Happy to see you are less stressed by all of that silly insanity too. : ) Enjoy the soccer schedule while they are little. It seems they are born, you blink and they are driving, blink again and they are driving off to college.

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  31. I love this chapter! It's so sweet : )

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  32. greatchapter!
    you incorporated the hearing things not supposed to while sleeping into UC too xD

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  33. thanks muchly for the update.... such an addicting story... Pam B.

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  34. This story is amazing.... Its always a pleasure to know that there's a new chapter !

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  35. AustenbrontemeyerMay 1, 2011 at 6:57 PM

    Turn that Nutella jar around and check out the hundreds *exaggerates-but not by much* of grams of sat. fat in that chocolate/hazelnut confection! So who's lickin it off who or who r you finding to lick it off OF?-
    That tatt guy is a very god (oh sorry) good choice?- Wait you could make it a fundraiser lmao

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  36. Hey wait a minute!!! You can't bring Nutella Tweet talk in the comments, can you? Oh wait...I guess you can. That shit is nasty, that's all I have to say. I have no problem with certain people licking it off me, but I'm not eating that stuff!

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  37. Yay! We finally know, Bellas feelings towards Edward. I'm excited to see what their future looks like. Thanks.

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  38. What a lost soul Edward is.......Can Bella put all the bad stuff aside and love that beautiful soul deep down? can she change him? I guess we will see.

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  39. I like what Bella shared with Edward while he was 'sleeping'. I hope that some of it sticks. He needs to know these things.

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  40. Oh my gosh... the last two chapters... just tug at my heart why don't you. How do you write such compelling stuff?

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  41. AustenbrontemeyerMay 1, 2011 at 9:16 PM

    Yeah, me neither although I might lick it off that tatt guy on Twinklings -for charity sake : )
    Seriously, jeez... now that would make it edible.

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  42. A www. Soooooo. Sweet. You explained how Bella could fall in love with her captor. And now, alright, let's get to the sexing!!!!! He he he.

    Seriously, beautifully written words by Bella. So sweet, so loving. And I love how Edward responds, holding her tighter, thinking it must be a dream, oh, just too sweet.

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  43. AustenbrontemeyerMay 1, 2011 at 9:48 PM

    Alas, the page is gone- bye tattoo god :(

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  44. Yeah, this is one of my favourite parts in Eclipse :)
    And here it's just beautiful. Glad to finally know some of the things Bella thinks and feels.

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  45. Awww, such a sweet moment :) I love how she wanted to kill him if her Mom was dead that was awesome. But it's so sweet I wonder if he will remember what he heard i the morning :)

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  46. i'm seriously bumed she is still going to leave him. i mean really she is getting his hopes up.

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  47. Make him learn what it means to care, make him truly beautiful, Bella!

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  48. awwwwwww ... i think it's perfectly normal what she's feeling
    though i thought her feelings for him were stronger than this .. it's like she's still discovering how she's feeling .. sigh
    poor Edward

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  49. You have found a creative way to show Bella's POV and it was very interesting to read how she feels about Edward. If her mother had been abused and died, she wouldn't be able to be with him - I didn't think about that before. I like how Sarah connects Bella's attitude with canon in her review - really "It is part of Bella's character to care about others before herself" and is in character for her to try to understand Edward and to empathize with him. Your Bella is thoughtful and mature as canon Bella, she tries to sort out her emotions and her attitude. Though she has lived very differently from Edward, she knows that the emotional coldness, the neglect, and the total lack of communication and closeness in his family could lead to his being self-centred, not interested in social contacts, not able to make them. It is astute that Bella notices that he isn't angry at his parents - I think that he has suppressed the pain, which he felt, when he was neglected and later abandoned, because he didn't know any better, and because it was less painful to not care. I guess that together with his parents' neglect the suppression of these negative emotions has contributed to his emotional coldness.
    The critical situation, in which Bella and Edward are together, makes her feel very close to him and appreciate everything, which he does for her . She sees that he has conscience and feelings, suffers from his guilt, cares for her, and struggles to change, and this draws her to him. "When I look at you now, I think maybe you really could be beautiful.” - this line says it all for me.

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  50. I love it. I can't wait for the next chapter.

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  51. Love this, it's such a good story. I love how he is changing. He needs someone to love him could that be Bella? HMMMMM.

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  52. I loved that part from Eclipse too!
    Maybe it's not the right time yet, for Bella to tell him what she thinks of him when he's fully awake, but I'm sure that, even if he consoles himself with the idea that it was just a dream, he got her message, right?

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  53. The chapters only get better and better! LOVED how you gave us a glimpse into Bellas head without changing the POV. Can't wait to see whats next!

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  54. I don't get why she wants to consumate her marriage, as it seems she has not fallen for him... she feels sorry for him I think.

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  55. Wow! - Bella's confessions!

    I think these admissions were monumental for Bella's. It shows her thought process and that she is not after all crazy. That she's not falling victim to him. That she's not just suffering from a bad case of Stockholm Syndrome.

    The only crazy she is, is crazy in love w/ the ever clueless, ever endearing Doofy.

    Nice Savage, I knew I could trust you w/ this story. :)

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  56. We're getting another UD today Amirite?? :D #GreedyDoofyh00r

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  57. Edwards EternalMay 2, 2011 at 7:43 PM

    Oh Bella.. I so hope he can be what you see in him. He is a complete idiot but he deserves happiness and you can show him how to be better.

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  58. I love this glimpse of Bella's mind. It really explains so much that she semi-revealed already but the sleep thing really enhances it. Like maybe Edward will believe these words more in his heart because he knows he wasn't supposed to hear them. Great job on this!!

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  59. Kind of like when you are coming out of surgery.  

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  60.  Gr8 stuffffffffffffffff!!!!!!!!! I was definitely tinkin about that tent scn wile readin this chapt..........loveddddddddddd it. Glad we're gettin into Bella's mind evn tho this is nt in her POV......its gr8!!!!!!! Glad she feels the need to b there for him but i worry about her goin home!!!!!!! Cant help but tink about that time she said she'll TAKE CARE OF HIM 2!!!!!!! Poor Eddie.....really hope things wrk out for da guy. His commitment 2 make tings rite for her really made a difference, however if her mom had really died, i mite've driven a bullet up his AZZ for her....dat wudve been tragic. thnk God dat wasnt da case..........Hope tings end well

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  61. Interesting 'dream', *snickers*

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  62. Really really good chapter.  You are so insightful in your writing, you seem to know what your reader wants just before they want it!!! It's also really nice to get in Bella's head as we don't get to see her side a lot and can only guess at what she's feeling!!!

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  63. Dreams while awake are powerful and surprising.

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  64. Ooh, she wanted to kill him but now....not somuch, huh? I also love the "dream scene" ala Eclipse, well done.

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  65. Ooh, she wanted to kill him but now....not somuch, huh? I also love the "dream scene" ala Eclipse, well done.

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  66. Yay! We finally know, Bellas feelings towards Edward. I'm excited to see what their future looks like. Thanks.

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  67. Such a great story it's eaisily becoming one of my favorites. Up there with H&D and SB. Can't waiit to see where u take us. Update soon.

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  68. Finally a little insight from bella's view

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  69. I love the tenderness, the sharing of feelings, the recognition of the real Edward. It is a real gift for him for her to open herself totally after all she has been through. He is beautiful, and its wonderful that he heard that someone recognised that in him. He needs it., the lost and lonely child needs some acknowledgement and healing.

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