Sunday, April 24, 2011

CBWR? Chapter 55

Author's Notes:
One last "Easter Egg" for ya today.  Things are starting to get...interesting.
And nothing I did now would ever, ever change that.
 



Chapter 55


I really, really didn’t want to talk about this. Not at all. But when I looked at Bella and saw the earnestness on her face, I couldn’t deny her anything.


“I don’t think I’ll ever know,” I finally said. “I mean, not really. I have enough of an idea that I feel like…well, I’d say I feel like shit, but that doesn’t even begin to cover it.”


Bella bit down at her lip and kept her gaze on me.


“They took me because of what you asked for,” she said, and I nodded in response. She already knew, so it was only confirmation anyway. “If you hadn’t asked for someone who looked like me, what would have happened?”


“They were there to pick up another girl,” I told her. The conversation with the one hostage at Aro’s place ran through my head. “If it wasn’t for me, they would have picked up someone else, not you.”


“Did they ever pick up that other girl?”


“I don’t think so,” I said. “He said they were full and drove back after getting you.”


She sat back a little and seemed to contemplate that information. I wondered what she thought about that other girl – the one that was targeted but not picked up. Did she wish the other girl had lived through what she had? Or was she glad the other girl was okay?


I wanted to say I wished it was the other girl, because then Bella would never have had all that shit happen to her. But if she hadn’t, I never would have known her. When it all came down to it, I was still a selfish bastard.


“Do you know why you did it?” She asked quietly.


“I’m a selfish bastard?” I tried to smile, but it didn’t work. I wondered if I was going to get the chance to go back into silent mode. Ever since Bella figured out she was going to go home soon, she had been peppering me with questions I felt like I had to answer. For every one I answered, two more unanswerable ones would show up in my head.


“That’s not why,” she said. Her tone was completely serious.


I felt her hand reach out and trace over my cheek. I looked over at her for a second, but I really didn’t have an answer for her. I wanted sex, but I had told her that before. I wanted someone who would obey me and do whatever I wanted. I still wanted all that…at least, I think I did. Sort of.


I wanted her. I wanted Bella. And the idea that I could ever have her – really, really have her, was as ludicrous as thinking your love life could be fixed by buying a sex slave. Because the only way I could – the only way I would even want to – was if she wanted it as well. Its why I couldn’t even masturbate to thoughts of her, because every time I did I felt like I was forcing her. Every image in my head would turn into her tears, and crying for me to stop.


Even though she never did – she never told me to stop.


I knew there was a lot of shit I was pretty inept at doing and understanding, but I wasn’t so stupid that I thought it made any difference. She couldn’t tell me to stop – she wasn’t allowed to.


“I didn’t know what I was doing,” I said. I wasn’t trying to make excuses – I just…wanted her to understand. “I never would have done it if I had known. I should have known – all those fucking questions. I should have known and thought about it and not been so fucking stupid.


But I didn’t.


And nothing I did now would ever, ever change that.


“I’m sorry, Bella.” I moved sideways on the bed so I could face her. “I’m so, so fucking sorry…I can’t make it right. I can’t ever take it back. I don’t know what I was thinking. I wasn’t…I wasn’t thinking, not at all…I just wanted…I wanted someone…someone who…who…”


I didn’t know how to finish. My head hurt, and everything inside of it was so jumbled up, I couldn’t think straight. I kept seeing that little toy piano smashed on the patio, and Mom’s car askew on the driveway. Then they were taking the trailer away, and when I went into my room inside, there was nothing to try to keep before they hauled the rest away. Then Tanya was walking away from me, telling me not to bother to ever call her again…and then it was Bree…and then it was Irina…and then it was Jessica…and then it was Zafrina…and then it was Kate…


“You were always left alone, Edward.” I looked away from her, no longer wanting to meet her eyes. I could still feel the tips of her fingers along my jaw, though. They felt like a line of tiny fires on my skin. “No one ever stayed with you. Not your parents or the teacher you liked. Not the women you’ve dated. You don’t have any friends to speak of. You wanted someone who couldn’t leave.”


“Why would they,” I heard myself mumble. I shoved myself up and out of the bed, grabbing the pack of cigarettes on my way out the patio door. Bella came out and stood behind me, and I remembered I wasn’t supposed to smoke. I cursed and threw both the pack and the lighter against the brick wall before I dropped down into the plastic chair with my head in my hands.


“You aren’t all bad,” Bella said.


I let out a sharp laugh. I leaned back in the chair and looked over to her. My breathing wasn’t right, and I could feel my heart pounding hard in my chest.


“Yeah, at least after I fuck someone’s life up I try to fix it,” I snorted, then back-pedaled. “Actually, even that is a first for me. Usually when I fuck someone up they end up in the morgue.”


“Edward,” Bella sighed my name.


“What, Bella?” I snapped. I didn’t just snap at her verbally – I actually felt like something inside me had snapped completely. I started yelling at her. “You going to tell me how it all would have happened anyway? Tell me how you could have been sold to someone else, someone worse? Worse than me, the fucking arms dealer with a thing for oral? Because we both know that isn’t true. If no one ever eats the fucking burger, the cow gets to live!”


I punched the brick wall, and besides the serious scraping of my knuckles, I was about ninety percent sure I cracked a knuckle.


“Fuck!”


“Edward!” Bella was at my side an instant later, taking my hand between hers, then dragging me into the house and washing off my bloodied knuckles.


“Don’t do this,” I said over and over again. I didn’t try to stop her, but I didn’t want her helping me out when I was being a jackass, either. “I’m fine. It doesn’t fucking matter.”


Bella’s eyes swiveled quickly from my hand to my face, and the fire in them actually cause me to step back a little.


“Shut up,” she said. I flinched again. “I mean it, just shut the fuck up. It does matter. You matter.”


“Oh yeah?” I growled back. “To who, huh? Who gives a flying fuck?”


“I do!”


I laughed again – a short, sharp and humorless sound. Bella’s eyes continued to glare at me, and I couldn’t hold her look for very long. She went back to cleaning up my hand, and I didn’t protest any more. After she washed it all off, she put some ice in a little baggie, dragged me to the little couch and held the ice against my hand. As we sat there in silence, her eyes lost their fire and eventually she was looking at me with what I guess was just…I don’t know…pity or something. I preferred her anger.


After the required twenty minutes, Bella lifted the bag of ice from my hand and examined it. It seemed okay, though it still hurt like a mother when I tried to make a fist. Bella ran her fingers over mine, stroking them slowly up and down and over my hand. It felt…nice.


Then she pulled my hand up and kissed the back of it.


I froze – completely unable to move. Bella dropped my hand into my lap as she looked up at me. Her fingers reached out and traced over the edge of my jaw, reminding me that I hadn’t shaved in a couple of days. Still motionless, all I could do was watch as she closed the short gap between us. Her fingers twitched, scratching slightly over my jaw as she moved. I watched her tongue dart out and moisten her lips as she paused, barely an inch from me.


“You aren’t all bad,” she repeated, and then her lips touched mine. I kept my own eyes open as I watched hers close. Her lips were touching mine, and they were warm and soft.


And they were willing.


She had to be out of her mind, right?



Chapter End Notes:

As if this shit wasn't complicated enough already!
Poor Doofus...you just about experienced an actual emotion there.
Stop by the twilighted thread and say hi and/or post your theories.


Next update will probably be tomorrow.  I dunno.  I'm kind of on a roll.

70 comments:

  1. Yes she is completely out of her mind!

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  2. AHhhhh!!!! This made me so happy. Doofusward was a bad boy, but he's trying to do some good. Throw that boy a bone! :-)

    Loved it!!! And, totally feeling spoiled with all of the updates today. You are just seriously rocking my Easter socks off!!!

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  3. It's such a quandry, he did a really stupid thing, but she's absolutely right, the man has no one who cares, or ever cared. I don't think he knows what he's missed out on. Thanks Savage.

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  4. OMG! I had just finished 54 and went to the thread and you mentioned 55 was up!! I might have squeed.. I can't neither confirm nor deny!! please... keep the roll going... BEST EASTER PRESENT!!!! ... oh, sweet Doofus.. - MoniNP

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  5. i agree with Heather aka ADaywithJake, i feel very spoiled with all of the updates today. i can not weight until the next chapter is put up!!!!!!!

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  6. I agree this is the best easter present!!!!!!!!!!
    she's not out of her mind at all. bella gets him, she really sees where he came from. and she can see all the good inside him.
    kikabr

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  7. Wow, what an Easter gift - three chapters! Thank you.
    This was a real tour-de-force for Edward. Having to dissect and deal with his childhood is probably something he didn't expect to happen. I liked that he actually showed some emotions, even if it was anger. As for Bella, I like that she is getting under his skin and that she is doing it deliberately. I wonder how far she will go. If Edward is smart, he will let Bella lead the way and just follow. I'm very much looking forward to the next chapter and Edward's reaction.

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  8. *squeeeee* I KNEW IT! Just call me Alice.. ;) I was re-reading to see if I could find the chapter where I though that Bella said she wouldn't leave him and saw this update. Sooo excited to see what Edward will do with this new revelation.

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  9. Though he's a complete jerk, I can understand what Bella sees in him. A boy/man lost and abandoned all his life. Somewhere in the back of his mind he figured if he had a slave he would always have someone to come home to and wouldn't have to feel alone. Still doesn't make up for his bad decision, but you can totally see how he got there.

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  10. Looks like Bella is developing a Stockholm Syndrome....
    Thanks for all the updates!

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  11. yeah yeah no she not developing stockholm syndrome:P she like him she kissed him yeah yeah duh on the he want something that could not leave poor wee soul :( we can gruds him on wanting someone to be with he how would not leave a sub can leave a whore can too a savle can not does not make it right for him to have done it but other do for wronge reason than that still hoping that she will go back to him after she leave him couse we all know she going to go home right the story a bit like beauty and the beast:) but for all us big people if you look at how beauty came to me in his house and how she change him kiddy of the same story here/! loving it anyway just scared that wee edward going to get hurt he has a crapy life so much hurt there he need the good stuff now its his turn, wish i could jump in to the story abd give him a great big hug i for one am in love with this edward you have done a great job at righ him:) weekitty

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  12. hard to learn to care for someone when you've never had anyone to care for you and you have never had anyone else to care about other than yourself, and you don't care highly for yourself either... Glad he admits to not thinking through things clearly. The caring person inside Bella wants to help even if he's been and continues at times, to be an ass..... thanks for the trifecta updates..wow

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  14. I don't really know if I would qualify this as Stockholm Syndrome... I would say it's more being 19, stupid and having that "I can fix him" state of mind. I can sooo relate to that. Yes, it's extremely dysfunctional...but if you look closely at Twilight...that is a pretty dysfunctional relationship too...

    It would really be ok with me if you continued to be on a roll...just sayin.

    (Happy Easter Lady Savage)

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  15. (Sorry, I had some major typos in my last comment, hence the delete...)

    So great to get three chapters today! I loved this one. Bella had to be the one to make the first move, and she did. What will Doofus make of this? She gets his problem better than he does—that he needs someone who will stay, someone who will take care of him. What happens now? What a mess they're in...

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  16. Great chapters! Edward is coming right along. Bella is such a strong person to put with Edward! Thanks so much!

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  17. What an awesome Easter surprise - 3 new chapters! Of course you left us with a bit of a cliffie. How will Edward respond? Will he kiss her back? I still have faith that somehow she will fix him. If not, maybe you can at least send him a Dream Bella or a Sand Bella so he's not all alone (again).

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  18. Finally...it was about time! Beauty has feelings for the beast I can tell...hopefully ;)

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  19. BEST CHAPTER EVER!!!!! Looking forward to the next update!

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  20. Bella wants to help Edward and to take care of him. She sympathizes with him and is attracted to him, but as you say, this is so complicated that Bella kissing him is like taking chances against all odds.

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  21. You can't leave it there! I am greedy and I want to know his reaction ;)

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  22. Gosh, what a treat to get these 3 chapters today. I didn't get any email alerts but did see them in my Google Reader when I went to look something up, so that was a great bonus to have all 3 to read one after the other.

    As for Bella, well it is pretty stupid, but she's clearly attracted to him physically and, despite the fact that it was his fault she was kidnapped in the first place, she can see how much he has tried to put things right. Plus, she recognises that what he did came from a truly dysfunctional mind in terms of his ability to relate to people generally and women in particular, and her inherent empathy and goodness makes her want to reach out to him, maybe even to try and fix him - but this would mean staying with him, because she has acknowledged that everyone else left him. Bella obviously wants to go home, so how will she reconcile these two opposing needs?

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  23. Well I understand what Edward did was wrong but he had such a horrible childhood and he is so messed up. He is trying to make it right. Bella sees that he is messed up but he is doing everything to take care of her.

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  24. ok, my computer sucks, widows 7 sucks, my keyboard is heading toward the garbage can now.

    I love the story, but all the stuff above are against me and are not letting me type.

    sorry only smiley faces from now on.

    :)

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  25. shes taken the time just as he has to know him. She may have fallen for the broken boy inside of doofus!

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  26. He's in so much pain. Did he even realise this before Bella. I don't think so. I understood before, somewhere along the line, but now i really get it. This is a story of redemption. i may not comment every chapter, but I just want you to know that I am reading. I really want to see how this plays out. So many unanswered questions. Will Charlie kill him when he finds out? and more.

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  27. LET THE WORDS ROLL!!! I can understand that feeling. I love where this is going, but I'm wondering how it will get there. Daddy's a sheriff -- hubby's a weapons dealer? I wait, with anticipation, for each and every chapter.

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  28. OMG! She kissed him! Oh and he just slipped there, he told her what he really does...

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  29. wondering how this is going to work out. e is still an arms dealer and a murderer. is he just going to give up everything illegal? will b put up with him if he doesn't?
    tff000

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  30. Wow. Wasn't expecting THAT.

    Thanks for the triple, Savage. Better than chocolate!

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  31. Wow! It's like your giving us an easter basket full of awesomeness with all these chapters :)))

    Hope you had a great Easter! :)

    Awww I felt so bad for Edward I can't wait to see what happens after the kiss :)

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  32. Wow... I'm very happy with where this chapter was headed. She doesn't hate him.
    RoryCullen

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  33. omg! she just did that! what will eddy boy do about it?

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  34. Holy crap! SHE kissed... HIM???

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  35. Well, Bella knows him better than he knows himself. She can see how much he despises himself, always thinking he doesn't matter. I think she may be in love with him....

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  36. OMG OMG OMG OMGGGGGGGGGG
    YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS

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  37. Dude. You're friggin' ahhhwsome w/ all these updates, you know that? :)

    As for the ch?
    Holy....
    Did not expect that! Bella's makin' the moves on Doofy! Woohoo! :)
    She may be a lil crazy. But mostly crazy in love ;P.

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  38. Bella just put doofus "on the couch" meaning that she just gave him a little dose of something called therapy. Yeah after his background came out, I knew it too. He wanted someone that wouldn't leave him alone. And Bella foes not have Stockholm syndrome or some type of savior complex for Eddie. I think she truly sees the potential behind the broken man.

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  39. What is it about women that always want to "save" a guy? I mean, even if the guy is Doofusward and incredibly hot and all that. *cough* Ihavenverdonesomethinglikethatever* *cough*

    Keye

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  40. I don't think our Doofus is going to survive Bella leaving...

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  41. She is so right, it's not only scary but painful. She sees all that he has been through and feels for him. I wouldn't say it's just pity, there's more. She cares for him. She realizes what he did was .... I can't put the words, but you get it. He can't believe someone, especially Bella can care for him. Poor guy. What's he going to do when she's gone?

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  42. Oh wow, I didn't think I'd see that happening in this story. Although when Bella gaped at half-naked wet Edward in last chapter, I noticed that she was attracted to him, but i didn't think she'd actually act on it. Go Bella! :)

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  43. Mixed feelings while I understand bella gets why he did what he did think it would be hard to forget it

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  44. I love how insightful she is and how much true grace she possesses. Now, more than ever, I see the chance of a HEA. Of course, Edward has to fuck up a bunch more times and Bella will need to set him straight, but this is developing very nicely. Looking forward to more.

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  45. WOW, she kissed him! Not expecting that at all. I hope he doesn't screw up. Who am I kidding, of course he will screw it up.

    Stephanie

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  46. awwwww she kissed him!! how sweet and i think it really needed to come from her first! he wanted a sex slave cos he was sick of trying to do relationships cos he didn't know how! he just wanted physical release! it still saddens me when he thinks about his past! poor edward! he really is sorry about what he's done and very much trying to make amends! that's gotta count for something right?!!lol! excellent writing!

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  47. oh ed what are you going to do and does bella really feel for you or is it that stokholm syndrome? i still feel something bad is going to happen

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  48. She is so right, it's not only scary but painful. She sees all that he has been through and feels for him. I wouldn't say it's just pity, there's more. She cares for him. She realizes what he did was .... I can't put the words, but you get it. He can't believe someone, especially Bella can care for him. Poor guy. What's he going to do when she's gone?

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  49. LET THE WORDS ROLL!!! I can understand that feeling. I love where this is going, but I'm wondering how it will get there. Daddy's a sheriff -- hubby's a weapons dealer? I wait, with anticipation, for each and every chapter.

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  50. ok, my computer sucks, widows 7 sucks, my keyboard is heading toward the garbage can now.

    I love the story, but all the stuff above are against me and are not letting me type.

    sorry only smiley faces from now on.

    :)

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  51. Bella wants to help Edward and to take care of him. She sympathizes with him and is attracted to him, but as you say, this is so complicated that Bella kissing him is like taking chances against all odds.

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  52. Though he's a complete jerk, I can understand what Bella sees in him. A boy/man lost and abandoned all his life. Somewhere in the back of his mind he figured if he had a slave he would always have someone to come home to and wouldn't have to feel alone. Still doesn't make up for his bad decision, but you can totally see how he got there.

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  53. OMG! I had just finished 54 and went to the thread and you mentioned 55 was up!! I might have squeed.. I can't neither confirm nor deny!! please... keep the roll going... BEST EASTER PRESENT!!!! ... oh, sweet Doofus.. - MoniNP

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  54. I knew there was a lot of shit I was pretty inept at doing and understanding, but I wasn’t so stupid that I thought it made any difference. - he's way ahead of most of the guys i know.

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  55.  hahaahahahahaaaahaha.............GO BELLA GO BELLA!!!!!!!!! hahahahahaaaaa.........i hope she's not doin out out of sheer pity tho!!!!!! Cuz alot of tings about him are bein revealed n her heart kinda feels for him, i mean who's wudnt........DoucheWard's been thru ALOT!!!!!!!! this shit iz really complicated nw!!!!! WWDD?!?!? lmao

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  56. Very interesting development. Wonder how freaked out Edward will get next chapter.

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  57. Poor Bella does he have it in him to give back? 

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  58. Oh.My.God. I think this was my favorite chapter yet. It was so raw and emotional. 

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  59. Yummy stuff in this chappie!  

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  60. See? I told you she would surprise him!!

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  61. Ok, I was getting rather emotional in that chapter. Have a nice lump in my throat now.

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  62. Awwww, this made me tear up. You have to feel badly for him. I'm so happy Bella sees his innocence. Stupid yeah, but she seems to know if given some love, he's savable....

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  63. Bella's making some moves!!!

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  64. Love is so powerful. It can move mountains.

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  65. It's about time!!! Poor Doofus, he just needs a woman who won't leave to show him how to love!!

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  66. Soemone cares about you Doofusward! He actually has a good sense of what he's done, and how it has changed him.

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